Sabine Bösel - Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart

Carla and Frederic are a couple. Whenever she asked him to do something, and he answered, “Sure, in a minute,” they argued. The reason? In Carla’s country, “Sure, in a minute” means, “right away.” But Frederic never fulfills her requests “right away.” In his country, “Sure, in a minute” has a different meaning. At their therapy session, he said: “I thought you knew when I say that, it’s my polite way of saying, ‘Not now. I’ll definitely do it, but only when it suits me.’” Two different worlds, two different customs.

It’s the many little arguments like these that cloud everyday life. How often does our partner react strangely or overreact to what we consider an innocuous statement, so that we are left wondering? But very seldom do we investigate the background for such a reaction. So, these situations are repeated again and again without being solved. In some cases, the misunderstandings become so vast that a crisis is inevitable.

Love is not a state but an activity. You don’t have to leave it to chance whether you’re lucky in love or not. You can take it into your own hands by actively shaping your relationship. These steps include engaging with your partner and trying to understand his or her world. In this book, you’ll find many suggestions. Here is one of the most important: Take a trip to your partner’s country.

Just imagine you’re taking a trip to a foreign country. How would you go about it? You’d try to make yourself familiar with the culture, language, and customs of that country. You don’t want to act like a bull in a china shop or get in trouble with the law. In your country, if you carelessly drop a candy wrapper on the ground, chances are no one will react. If, however, you do the same thing in Singapore, you can be severely punished; different countries, different rules.

It’s the same in your relationship. Your partner had different life experiences and learned different behavior patterns and views of life. Your partner had different parents and different caregivers than you did. That’s how his or her character formed, distinctively and individually, just as your character is your own and no one else’s.

If you don’t want to act like a bull in a china shop in your partner’s country, then why not take a voyage of discovery and learn about the culture, language, and customs? As we saw with Carla and Frederic, it’s not a given that every word and behavior has the same meaning to all people. Why is that? Let’s look at their background.

Carla came from a family that always made lots of plans, but no one ever took the first step to carry them out. Carla suffered through this, so, she subconsciously decided: When I grow up, if there is something that needs doing, I’ll do it right away.

In Frederic’s family, every plan was carried out to the last detail. Each family member had to help, and even as a child, he had little free time and hardly any breaks. He longed just to let himself go. He discovered that if he said to his mother, “Sure, right away,” he could at least take a short breather. He has maintained that behavior to this day.

The problem with conflicts and crises lies not in the issues themselves, but in the fact that they break the connection we have to one other. We wish that the other person would eventually turn into someone we’d like him or her to be, or that he or she would finally stop hurting us. But that doesn’t lead us anywhere. Such demands only lead to broken communication.

Imagine two people sitting opposite each other, but there is a curtain drawn between them, blocking their view of each other. They could move the curtain aside to re-establish contact, but they don’t do it. This is what happens in breakups. They don’t occur because one partner has a problem with the other one, but because they have lost contact with each other. That’s the fundamental realization you need to move forward. Lend each other your ear, even if sometimes it isn’t easy.

Martina and Gregor went to an Imago Couples Workshop, and a few days later to couples therapy. They had already set a divorce date, but wanted to understand why things had gone the way they did. They had three children and wanted to navigate the breakup successfully. They wanted to utilize the time before the divorce properly, or, as they said, spend the time having constructive conversations.

At the beginning of the session, both were quite tense, angry at each another, and desperate. We asked them to engage in a dialogue with each other. Martina expressed her great fear of divorce and of being treated unfairly. Gregor was irritated at first, but was eventually willing to listen. When Martina spoke about her childhood, how her father always demeaned her and she always felt like a fifth wheel, Gregor’s eyes filled with tears because he now saw his wife in a different light. The connection was restored, and at that moment, there was no talk of divorce.

Half an hour later, we asked Martina to listen to Gregor. He told of his fear that Martina would throw him out if they kept arguing. That situation reminded him of his childhood, when he was sent to boarding school because his parents had major conflicts. There was no place for him in the family, and he still felt the same way.

“All I want is to feel safe with you and have my place. I don’t even understand how the subject of divorce came up.”

To travel through the other person’s country and keep discovering new things requires a lot of attentiveness and openness to the fact that something surprising might arise at any time. Even if you have been married for twenty years or more, there’s still a lot to learn about each other. We often think we know our partner well. On the other hand, we believe the other one knows what our needs are without having to say a word about them. Some people even think that not knowing your partner’s wishes is evidence of a lack of love. But that’s one of the biggest mistakes.

Talking to each other in everyday life can have many facets. Sometimes you listen more closely, other times less so, and you’ve probably caught yourself letting the other one talk while your mind is somewhere totally different. Our world is full of communication. We’re constantly giving and receiving information. So, we think: “Oh, I just can’t listen anymore, I’ve already heard enough!” Or: “How many times do I have to say the same thing over again?”

While our partner tells us something, we are already thinking: do I agree with that? How can I argue against it? How can I answer? What story from my own life does that remind me of? In effect, we are only listening with half an ear. We’re not visiting the other person’s country, but remaining in our own while we look for answers. So, we’re missing a lot of valuable information that could bring us closer to our partner’s country.

Especially when we’re distressed or when it’s a difficult topic, it’s hard to listen attentively. As therapists, we then ask our couples to be fully aware when attending to one another. We offer them a couples dialogue. Similar to a visit to a foreign country, the dialogue ensures the necessary openness and appreciation to get closer to one another. The dialogue is designed so that only one person speaks at a time, and the other one pays attention, without assessing what was said or considering an answer.

Actively shaping your relationship means that you keep extending invitations to each other: “Please lend me your ear for fifteen minutes, I want to tell you something.” Or the other way around: “You look worn out. Do you want to tell me about your day?” Maybe you’re thinking that’s what you do regularly, anyway. But honestly, when your partner starts talking, do you really listen? Or do you let her talk for a while and then say something yourself, without really responding to your partner’s story? Of course, that’s also an option, but be aware of the fact that at the time, you weren’t actually visiting your partner’s country. You might have heard about her experiences, but not about what she felt and why she reacted this way, and not differently.