Sharon Perkins - Dad's Guide to Pregnancy For Dummies

Egg donation is not a simple process, at leasy not compared to sperm donation. The egg donor has to take powerful ovary stimulating medications, usually by injection, for 10 days or so, sometimes longer, depending on the clinic’s protocol. The egg donor must undergo a number of ultrasounds, and her blood word must be monitored frequently to make sure she’s producing the right number of eggs — not too many and not too few. The ins and outs of in vitro fertilization are beyond the scope of this book; check out “Pregnancy for Dummies” if you want to know exactly what egg donation involves.

Some fertility clinics have an egg-donor program and can match you up with a donor. As with a sperm donor, you can choose someone who has characteristics similar to yours — or exactly the opposite, if that’s what you’re looking for. There are also businesses that will match you with an egg donor, if your clinic doesn’t have a donor program. Anonymous egg donors and the companies that find them for you both need to be paid, usually in amounts in excess of $10,000. If you’re using a known donor, you might have to pay for her medical expenses, if she isn’t covered for fertility treatment.

The term surrogate usually refers to a woman who is genetically related to the child — that is, her eggs are used — who also carries the pregnancy. Whether you’re asking a family member or looking for someone you don’t know to act as a surrogate, it’s vital to know your state’s surrogacy laws before getting too far into the process. Being a surrogate involves a nine month commitment that can include taking medication to assure a healthy pregnancy, coordination of her menstrual cycle with that of the egg donor, frequent monitoring, and dealing with an anxious parent-to-be (you).Some states don’t allow surrogacy or offer no legal protection if a legal battle ensues down the road. The following states are, in 2022, not surrogacy-friendly:

Michigan

New York

The following states allow compenstated surrogacy and are generally considered surrogacy-friendly:

California

Connecticut

Delaware

District of Columbia

Maine

New Hampshire

Nevada

Oregon

Rhode Island

Washington

The rest of the states have more complicated regulations, some of which may be favorable in some aspects of surrogacy and some not so favorable. In any case, a lawyer well-versed in reproductive law is essential to this road of parenthood. They’ll be up on the most recent changes and can advise you accordingly. The American Academy of Adoption and Assisted Reproductive Technology Attorneys (AAARTA) maintains a list, found at www.aaarta.org .

Having one side of the family more involved than the other in your baby-making project can have consequences down the road. Keeping boundaries in place in such an emotional situation can also lead to problems, sometimes for years to come. Families, unlike friends or acquaintances, are generally around for the long haul, and your child will likely be involved with them for most of their lives. However, families can and do make this work, and it can be the best of all possible worlds if the stars align and your relatives are all solidly behind you.

If you’re a gay couple, both of your family’s genetics can be in the mix if one of you has a sister willing to donate the egg. (Obviously, the guy whose sister donates the egg doesn’t donate the sperm.) This would be the best-case scenario — everyone has a genetic claim — but altruistic sisters may be in short supply in your families. Or the whole idea might just not sit right with one of you.

Monetary issues can also complicate the issue of using a family member; do you offer them a financial stipend or will your relative or friend simply want to do this out of the goodness of their heart? How “legal” do you need to be in terms of a contract? It’s always advisable to draw up a legal document to protect all parties down the road, no matter how unnecessary it seems at the time or how close you are to your family member. Life circumstances change, the question of whether or not to disclose all the details to your future child or other people can suddenly become important, or the donor who thought she’d have no problem giving away her eggs discovers after the baby is born with her eyes and nose that it matters way more than she thought it would.

Both egg-donation and surrogacy programs generally require physicals and possibly genetic testing. Some also require a mental health consultation. Unexpected issues can be uncovered during testing, which could eliminate your potential family member or friend as a donor or carrier.

Asking a friend to go through egg donation or even to be your gestational carrier is another possible option, whether you’re single or partnered. The plusses include having a known entity to work with over the next nine-plus months — although this can be a good thing or a bad thing — and having more access to the pregnant person than you will likely have with a paid surrogate. Having a friend rather than a family member might also add a useful extra layer of emotional distance between you and the surrogate if things start to get complicated. After all, it’s much easier for a friend to keep their emotional distance than it is for a family member, who’s at hand for every major holiday and birthday.

If you’re involving a friend — even a really good friend — in your future child’s creation, it’s very important to make sure all your legal Ps and Qs are in order. Friends break up more often than families do, and keeping this part of your friendship as more business than sentiment is essential.

Acting as a gestational carrier requires a huge time commitment, as well as a possible loss of income for a time period. Asking someone you know to be a carrier is asking a lot, but even so, a friend or relative who loves being pregnant — it’s really best if your carrier has already had a child — may jump at the chance.

If you want to have a paid egg donor or gestational carrier, that is, someone that you don’t know, you’ll need to find an agency to work with. In some cases, this could be a local fertility clinic. Additionally, some agencies are devoted strictly to matching egg donors with recipients, or finding gestatonal carriers or surrogates. Lawyers who specialize in reproductive law may also work with certain agencies to find intended parents the right match. You can also look into agencies that work in other countries with women who donate eggs, act as gestational carriers, or serve as surrogates. Although this may be cheaper than working with an agency at home, a greater number of risks may be involved. In such cases, doing your research and having a solid legal plan in place is essential.

The agency you choose to work with may already have a lawyer that handles all their legal paperwork. Although that makes things simpler, it doesn’t mean you can’t also have your own lawyer look over the contracts. Some issues that the contract should cover include, among others:

Monetary compensation

Insurance coverage, yours and the carrier’s

Contact information, including whether you’ll be able to be present at doctor’s appointments, the delivery, or other times during the pregnancy, in the case of a carrier or surrogate.

Creation of an escrow agent to handle money transfers between you.