George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

SIR PATRICK [with a grunt) And what did he say to that?

SCHUTZMACHER Oh, he began trying to persuade me that he was one of the chosen people — that his artistic faculty shewed it, and that his name was as foreign as my own. He said he didnt really want £50; that he was only joking; that all he wanted was a couple of sovereigns.

B. B. No, no, Mr Schutzmacher. You invented that last touch. Seriously, now?

SCHUTZMACHER No.You cant improve on Nature in telling stories about gentlemen like Mr Dubedat.

BLENKINSOP You certainly do stand by one another, you chosen people, Mr Schutzmacher.

SCHUTZMACHER Not at all. Personally, I like Englishmen better than Jews, and always associate with them. Thats only natural, because, as I am a Jew, theres nothing interesting in a Jew to me, whereas there is always something interesting and foreign in an Englishman. But in money matters it’s quite different. You see, when an Englishman borrows, all he knows or cares is that he wants money; and he’ll sign anything to get it, without in the least understanding it, or intending to carry out the agreement if it turns out badly for him. In fact, he thinks you a cad if you ask him to carry it out under such circumstances. Just like the Merchant of Venice, you know. But if a Jew makes an agreement, he means to keep it and expects you to keep it. If he wants money for a time, he borrows it and knows he must pay it at the end of the time. If he knows he cant pay, he begs it as a gift.

RIDGEON Come, Loony! do you mean to say that Jews are never rogues and thieves?

SCHUTZMACHER Oh, not at all. But I was not talking of criminals. I was comparing honest Englishmen with honest Jews.

One of the hotel maids, a pretty, fair-haired woman of about 2 5, comes from the hotel, rather furtively. She accosts RIDGEON.

THE MAID I beg your pardon, sir —

RIDGEON Eh?

THE MAID I beg pardon, sir. It’s not about the hotel. I’m not allowed to be on the terrace; and I should be discharged if I were seen speaking to you, unless you were kind enough to say you called me to ask whether the motor has come back from the station yet.

WALPOLE Has it?

THE MAID Yes, sir.

RIDGEON Well, what do you want?

THE MAID Would you mind, sir, giving me the address of the gentleman that was with you at dinner?

RIDGEON (sharply] Yes, of course I should mind very much. You have no right to ask.

THE MAID Yes, sir, I know it looks like that. But what am I to do?

SIR PATRICK Whats the matter with you?

THE MAID Nothing, sir. I want the address: thats all.

B. B. You mean the young gentleman?

THE MAID Yes, sir: that went to catch the train with the woman he brought with him.

RIDGEON The woman! Do you mean the l a d y who dined here? the gentleman’s wife?

THE MAID Dont believe them, sir. She cant be his wife. I’m his wife.

THE MAID I could run upstairs and get you my marriage lines [156] Informal marriage certificate. in a minute, sir, if you doubt my word. He’s Mr Louis Dubedat, isnt he?

RIDGEON Yes.

THE MAID Well, sir, you may believe me or not; but I’m the lawful Mrs Dubedat.

SIR PATRICK And why arnt you living with your husband?

THE MAID We couldnt afford it, sir. I had thirty pounds saved; and we spent it all on our honeymoon in three weeks, and a lot more that he borrowed. Then I had to go back into service, and he went to London to get work at his drawing; and he never wrote me a line or sent me an address. I never saw nor heard of him again until I caught sight of him from the window going off in the motor with that woman.

SIR PATRICK Well, thats two wives to start with.

B. B. Now upon my soul I dont want to be uncharitable; but really I’m beginning to suspect that our young friend is rather careless.

SIR PATRICK Beginning to think! How long will it take you, man, to find out that he’s a damned young blackguard?

BLENKINSOP Oh, thats severe, Sir Patrick, very severe. Of course it’s bigamy; but still he’s very young; and she’s very pretty. Mr Walpole: may I spunge on you for another of those nice cigarets of yours? [He changes his seat for the one next WALPOLE].

WALPOLE Certainly. [He feels in his pockets]. Oh bother! Where — ? [Suddenly remembering] I say: I recollect now: I passed my cigaret case to Dubedat and he didnt return it. It was a gold one.

THE MAID He didnt mean any harm: he never thinks about things like that, sir. I’ll get it back for you, sir, if youll tell me where to find him.

RIDGEON What am I to do? Shall I give her the address or not?

SIR PATRICK Give her your own address; and then we’ll see. [ To the maid ] Youll have to be content with that for the present, my girl. [RIDGEON gives her his card]. Whats your name?

THE MAID Minnie Tinwell, sir.

SIR PATRICK Well, you write him a letter to care of this gentleman ; and it will be sent on. Now be off with you.

THE MAID Thank you, sir. I’m sure you wouldnt see me wronged. Thank you all, gentlemen; and excuse the liberty. She goes into the hotel. They watch her in silence.

RIDGEON [when she is gone] Do you realize, you chaps, that we have promised Mrs Dubedat to save this fellow’s life?

BLENKINSOP Whats the matter with him?

RIDGEON Tuberculosis.

BLENKINSOP [interested] And can you cure that?

RIDGEON I believe so.

BLENKINSOP Then I wish youd cure me. My right lung is touched, I’m sorry to say.

BLENKINSOP [putting his, fingers in his ears] No, no: it’s no use. I know what youre going to say: Ive said it often to others. I cant afford to take care of myself; and theres an end of it. If a fortnight’s holiday would save my life, I’d have to die. I shall get on as others have to get on. We cant all go to St Moritz or to Egypt, you know, Sir Ralph. Dont talk about it.

Embarrassed silence.

SIR PATRICK [ grunts and looks hard at RIDGEON ] !

SCHUTZMACHER [looking at his watch and rising] I must go. It’s been a very pleasant evening, Colly. You might let me have my portrait if you dont mind. I’ll send Mr Dubedat that couple of sovereigns for it.

RIDGEON [giving him the menu card] Oh dont do that, Loony. I dont think he’d like that.

SCHUTZMACHER Well, of course I shant if you feel that way about it. But I dont think you understand Dubedat. However, perhaps thats because I’m a Jew. Good-night, Dr Blenkinsop [shaking hands ] .

BLENKINSOP Good-night, sir — I mean — Good-night.

SCHUTZMACHER [waving his hand to the rest] Good-night, everybody.

B. B. repeats the salutation several times, in varied musical tones. SCHUTZMACHER goes out.

SIR PATRICK It’s time for us all to move. [He rises and comes between BLENKINSOP and WALPOLE. RIDGEON also rises]. Mr Walpole: take Blenkinsop home: he’s had enough of the open air cure for to-night. Have you a thick overcoat to wear in the motor, Dr Blenkinsop?

BLENKINSOP Oh, theyll give me some brown paper in the hotel; and a few thicknesses of brown paper across the chest are better than any fur coat.

WALPOLE Well, come along. Good-night, Colly.Youre coming with us, arnt you, B. B.?