George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

LOUIS Well, Ridgeon, if this is what you call being an honorable man! I spoke to you in confidence.

SIR PATRICK We’re all going to speak to you in confidence, young man.

WALPOLE [hanging his hat on the only peg left vacant on the hat-stand] We shall make ourselves at home for half an hour, Dubedat. Dont be alarmed: youre a most fascinating chap; and we love you.

LOUIS Oh, all right, all right. Sit down — anywhere you can. Take this chair, Sir Patrick [indicating the one on the throne]. Up- z-z-z [ helping him up: SIR PATRICK grunts and enthrones himself]. Here you are, B. B. [SIR RALPH glares at the familiarity; but LOUIS, quite undisturbed, puts a big book and a sofa cushion on the dais, on SIR PATRICK’s right; and B. B. sits down, under protest]. Let me take your hat. [He takes B. B.’s hat unceremoniously, and substitutes it for the cardinal’s hat on the head of the lay figure, thereby ingeniously destroying the dignity of the conclave. He then draws the piano stool from the wall and offers it to WALPOLE) . You dont mind this, Walpole, do you? [WALPOLE accepts the stool, and puts his hand into his pocket for his cigaret case. Missing it, he is reminded of his loss].

WALPOLE By the way, I’ll trouble you for my cigaret case, if you dont mind?

LOUIS What cigaret case?

WALPOLE The gold one I lent you at the Star and Garter.

LOUIS [surprised] Was that yours?

WALPOLE Yes.

LOUIS I’m awfully sorry, old chap. I wondered whose it was. I’m sorry to say this is all thats left of it. [He hitches up his smock; produces a card from his waistcoat pocket; and hands it to Walpole].

WALPOLE A pawn ticket!

LOUIS [reassuringly] It’s quite safe: he cant sell it for a year, you know. I say, my dear Walpole, I am sorry. [He places his hand ingenuously on Walpole’s shoulder and looks frankly at him].

WALPOLE [sinking on the stool with a gasp] Dont mention it. It adds to your fascination.

RIDGEON [who has been standing near the easel] Before we go any further, you have a debt to pay, Mr Dubedat.

LOUIS I have a precious lot of debts to pay, Ridgeon. I’ll fetch you a chair. [He makes for the inner door].

RIDGEON [stopping him] You shall not leave the room until you pay it. It’s a small one; and pay it you must and shall. I dont so much mind your borrowing ? IO from one of my guests and £20 from the other —

WALPOLE I walked into it, you know. I offered it.

RIDGEON — they could afford it. But to clean poor Blenkinsop out of his last half-crown was damnable. I intend to give him that half-crown and to be in a position to pledge him my word that you paid it. I’ll have that out of you, at all events.

B. B. Quite right, Ridgeon. Quite right. Come, young man! down with the dust. [160] Meaning “pay up”; a term derived from a mining practice of payment by gold dust. Pay up.

LOUIS Oh, you neednt make such a fuss about it. Of course I’ll pay it. I had no idea the poor fellow was hard up. I’m as shocked as any of you about it. [Putting his hand into his pocket] Here you are. (Finding his pocket empty] Oh, I say, I havnt any money on me just at present. Walpole: would you mind lending me half-a-crown just to settle this.

WALPOLE Lend you half — [his voicefaints away].

LOUIS Well, if you dont, Blenkinsop wont get it; for I havnt a rap: you may search my pockets if you like.

WALPOLE Thats conclusive. [He produces half-a-crown].

LOUIS [passing it to Ridgeon] There! I’m really glad thats settled : it was the only thing that was on my conscience. Now I hope youre all satisfied.

SIR PATRICK Not quite, Mr Dubedat. Do you happen to know a young woman named Minnie Tinwell?

LOUIS Minnie! I should think I do; and Minnie knows me too. She’s a really nice good girl, considering her station. Whats become of her?

WALPOLE It’s no use b l u f f i n g, Dubedat. Weve seen Minnie’s marriage lines.

LOUIS [coolly] Indeed? Have you seen Jennifer’s?

RIDGEON [rising in irrepressible rage] Do you dare insinuate that Mrs Dubedat is living with you without being married to you?

LOUIS Why not?

LOUIS Yes, why not? Lots of people do it: just as good people as you. Why dont you learn to t h i n k, instead of bleating and baahing like a lot of sheep when you come up against anything youre not accustomed to? [Contemplating their amazed faces with a chuckle] I say: I should like to draw the lot of you now: you do look jolly foolish. Especially you, Ridgeon. I had you that time, you know.

RIDGEON How, pray?

LOUIS Well, you set up to appreciate Jennifer, you know. And you despise me, dont you?

RIDGEON (curtly] I loathe you. [He sits down again on the sofa].

LOUIS Just so. And yet you believe that Jennifer is a bad lot because you think I told you so.

RIDGEON Were you lying?

LOUIS No; but you were smelling out a scandal instead of keeping your mind clean and wholesome. I can just play with people like you. I only asked you had you seen Jennifer’s marriage lines; and you concluded straight away that she hadnt got any. You dont know a lady when you see one.

B. B. [majestically] What do you mean by that, may I ask?

LOUIS Now, I’m only an immoral artist; but if y o u d told me that Jennifer wasnt married, I’d have had the gentlemanly feeling and artistic instinct to say that she carried her marriage certificate in her face and in her character. But y o u are all moral men; and Jennifer is only an artist’s wife — probably a model; and morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married. Arnt you ashamed of yourselves? Can one of you look me in the face after it?

WALPOLE It’s very hard to look you in the face, Dubedat; you have such a dazzling cheek. What about Minnie Tinwell, eh?

LOUIS Minnie Tinwell is a young woman who has had three weeks of glorious happiness in her poor little life, which is more than most girls in her position get, I can tell you. Ask her whether she’d take it back if she could. She’s got her name into history, that girl. My little sketches of her will be fought by collectors at Christie’s. She’ll have a page in my biography. Pretty good, that, for a still-room maid [161] Maid in charge of the room where liqueurs and cakes are stored. at a seaside hotel, I think. What have you fellows done for her to compare with that?

RIDGEON We havnt trapped her into a mock marriage and deserted her.

LOUIS No: you wouldnt have the pluck. But dont fuss yourselves. I didnt desert little Minnie. We spent all our money —

WALPOLE All h e r money. Thirty pounds.

LOUIS I said all o u r money: hers and mine too. Her thirty pounds didnt last three days. I had to borrow four times as much to spend on her. But I didnt grudge it; and she didnt grudge her few pounds either, the brave little lassie. When we were cleaned out, we’d had enough of it: you can hardly suppose that we were fit company for longer than that: I an artist, and she quite out of art and literature and refined living and everything else. There was no desertion, no misunderstanding, no police court or divorce court sensation for you moral chaps to lick your lips over at breakfast. We just said, Well, the money’s gone: weve had a good time that can never be taken from us; so kiss; part good friends; and she back to service, and I back to my studio and my Jennifer, both the better and happier for our holiday.