John Bangs - The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces

CHARACTERS:

MR. ROBERT YARDSLEY, an expert.

MR. JACK BARLOW, another .

MR. THADDEUS PERKINS, a beginner.

MR. EDWARD BRADLEY, a scoffer.

MRS. THADDEUS PERKINS, a resistant.

MRS. EDWARD BRADLEY, an enthusiast.

JENNIE, a maid.

The scene is laid in the drawing-room of Mr. and Mrs. Thaddeus Perkins , at No. – Gramercy Square . It is late October; the action begins at 8.30 o’clock on a moonlight evening . The curtain rising discloses Mr . and Mrs. Perkins sitting together . At right is large window facing on square . At rear is entrance to drawing-room . Leaning against doorway is a safety bicycle . Perkins is clad in bicycle garb.

Perkins . Well, Bess, I’m in for it now, and no mistake. Bob and Jack are coming to-night to give me my first lesson in biking.

Mrs. Perkins . I’m very glad of it, Thaddeus. I think it will do you a world of good. You’ve been working too hard of late, and you need relaxation.

Perkins ( doubtfully ). I know that—but—from what I can gather, learning to ride a wheel isn’t the most restful thing in the world. There’s a good deal of lying down about it; but it comes with too great suddenness; that is, so Charlie Cheeseborough says. He learned up at the Academy, and he told me that he spent most of his time making dents in the floor with his head.

Mrs. Perkins . Well, I heard differently. Emma Bradley learned there at the same time he did, and she said he spent most of his time making dents in the floor with other people’s heads. Why, really, he drove all the ladies to wearing those odious Psyche knots. The time he ran into Emma, if she hadn’t worn her back hair that way she’d have fractured her skull.

Perkins . Ha, ha! They all tell the same story. Barlow said he always wore a beaver hat while Cheeseborough was on the floor, so that if Charlie ran into him and he took a header his brain wouldn’t suffer.

Mrs. Perkins . Nevertheless, Mr. Cheeseborough learned more quickly than any one else in the class.

Perkins . So Barlow said—because he wasn’t eternally in his own way, as he was in every one else’s. ( A ring is heard at the front door .) Ah! I guess that’s Bob and Jack.

Enter Jennie.

Jennie . Mr. Bradley, ma’am.

Perkins . Bradley? Wonder what the deuce he’s come for? He’ll guy the life out of me. ( Enter Bradley. He wears a dinner coat .) Ah, Brad, old chap, how are you? Glad to see you.

Bradley . Good-evening, Mrs. Perkins. This your eldest? [ With a nod at Perkins.

Mrs. Perkins . My eldest?

Bradley . Yes—judged from his togs it was your boy. What! Can it be? You! Thaddeus?

Perkins . That’s who I am.

Bradley . When did you go into short trousers?

Perkins ( with a feeble laugh, glancing at his clothes ). Oh, these—ha, ha! I’m taking up the bicycle. Even if it weren’t for the exhilaration of riding, it’s a luxury to wear these clothes. Old flannel shirt, old coat, old pair of trousers shortened to the knee, and golf stockings. I’ve had these golf stockings two years, and never had a chance to wear ’em till now.

Bradley . You’ve got it bad, haven’t you? How many lessons have you had?

Perkins . None yet. Fact is, just got my wheel—that’s it over there by the door—pneumatic tires, tool-chest, cyclometer, lamp—all for a hun.

Bradley ( with a laugh ). How about life-insurance? Do they throw in a policy for that? They ought to.

Perkins . No—but they would if I’d insisted. Competition between makers is so great, they’ll give you most anything to induce a bargain. The only thing they really gave me extra is the ki-yi gun.

Mrs. Perkins . The what?

Perkins . Ki-yi gun—it shoots dogs. Dog comes out, catches sight of your leg—

Bradley . Mistakes it for a bone and grabs—eh?

Perkins . Well—I fancy that’s about the size of it. You can’t very well get off, so you get out your ki-yi gun and shoot ammonia into the beast’s face. It doesn’t hurt the dog, but it gives him something to think of. I’ll show you how the thing works. ( Gets the gun from tool-box .) This is the deadly weapon, and I’m the rider—see? ( Sits on a chair, with face to back, and works imaginary pedals .) You’re the dog. I’m passing the farm-yard. Bow-wow! out you spring—grab me by the bone—I—ah—I mean the leg. Pouf! I shoot you with ammonia. [ Suits action to the word.

Bradley ( starting back ). Hi, hold on! Don’t squirt that infernal stuff at me! My dear boy, get a grip on yourself. I’m not really a ki-yi, and while I don’t like bicyclists, their bones are safe from me. I won’t bite you.

Mrs. Perkins . Really—I think that’s a very ingenious arrangement; don’t you, Mr. Bradley?

Bradley . I do, indeed. But, as long as we’re talking about it, I must say I think what Thaddeus really needs is a motormangun, to squirt ammonia, or even beer, into the faces of these cable-car fellows. They’re more likely to interfere with him than dogs—don’t you think?

Perkins . It’s a first-rate idea, Brad. I’ll suggest it to my agent.

Bradley . Your what?

Perkins ( apologetically ). Well, I call him my agent, although really I’ve only bought this one wheel from him. He represents the Czar Manufacturing Company.

Bradley . They make Czars, do they?

Perkins ( with dignity ). They make wheels. The man who owns the company is named Czar. I refer to him as my agent, because from the moment he learned I thought of buying a wheel he came and lived with me. I couldn’t get rid of him, and finally in self-defence I bought this wheel. It was the only way I could get rid of him.

Bradley . Aha! That’s the milk in the cocoanut. eh? Hadn’t force of mind to get rid of the agent. Couldn’t say no. Humph! I wondered why you, a man of sense, a man of dignity, a gentleman, should take up with this—

Perkins ( angrily ). See here, Brad, I like you very much, but I must say—

Mrs. Perkins ( foreseeing a quarrel ). Thaddeus! ’Sh! Ah, by-the-way, Mr. Bradley, where is Emma this evening? I never knew you to be separated before.

Bradley ( sorrowfully ). This is the first time, Mrs. Perkins. Fact is, we’d intended calling on you to-night, and I dressed as you see me. Emma was in proper garb too, but when she saw what a beautiful night it was, she told me to go ahead, and she—By Jove! it almost makes me weep!

Perkins . She wasn’t taken ill?

Bradley . No—worse. She said: “You go down on the ‘ L.’ I’ll bike. It’s such a splendid night.” Fine piece of business this! To have a bicycle come between man and wife is a pretty hard fate, I think—for the one who doesn’t ride.

Mrs. Perkins . Then Emma is coming here?

Bradley . That’s the idea, on her wheel—coming down the Boulevard, across Seventy-second Street, through the Park, down Madison, across Twenty-third, down Fourth to Twenty-first, then here.

Perkins . Bully ride that.

Mrs. Perkins . Alone?

Bradley ( sadly ). I hope so—but these bicyclists have a way of flocking together. For all I know, my beloved Emma may now be coasting down Murray Hill escorted by some bicycle club from Jersey City.