John Bangs - The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces

Enter Mrs. Perkins, wiping her eyes.

Mrs. Perkins . How do you do, Mr. Barlow? and you, Mr. Yardsley? So glad to see you. Thaddeus will be down in a minute. He—ah—he forgot about the—the meeting here to-night, and he—he put on his dress-coat.

Yardsley . Bad thing to lift a piano in. Better be without any coat. But I say we begin—eh? If you don’t mind, Mrs. Perkins. We’ve got a great deal to do, and unfortunately hours are limited in length as well as in number. Ah! that fireplace must be covered up. Wouldn’t do to have a fireplace in a conservatory. Wilt all the flowers in ten minutes.

Mrs. Perkins ( meekly ). You needn’t have the fire lit, need you?

Barlow . No—but—a fireplace without fire in it seems sort of—of bald, don’t you think?

Yardsley . Bald? Splendid word applied to a fireplace. So few fireplaces have hair.

Mrs. Bradley . Oh, it could be covered up without any trouble, Bessie. Can’t we have those dining-room portières to hang in front of it?

Yardsley . Just the thing. Dining-room portières always look well, whether they’re in a conservatory or a street scene. ( Enter Perkins.) Hello, Thaddeus! How d’ y’? Got your overalls on?

Perkins ( trying to appear serene ). Yes. I’m ready for anything. Anything I can do?

Bradley . Yes—look pleasant. You look as if you were going to have your picture taken, or a tooth pulled. Haven’t you a smile you don’t need that you can give us? This isn’t a funeral.

Perkins ( assuming a grin ). How’ll that do?

Barlow . First-rate. We’ll have to make you act next. That’s the most villanous grin I ever saw.

Yardsley . I’ll write a tragedy to go with it. But I say, Thad, we want those dining-room portières of yours. Get ’em down for us, will you?

Perkins . Dining-room portières! What for?

Mrs. Perkins . They all think the fireplace would better be hid, Thaddeus, dear. It wouldn’t look well in a conservatory.

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