George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

SIR PATRICK [takes the drawing from him and grunts approvingly] Thats rather good. Dont you think so, Colly?

RIDGEON Yes. So good that I should like to have it.

SIR PATRICK Thank you; but I should like to have it myself. What d‘ye think, Walpole?

WALPOLE [rising and coming over to look] No, by Jove: I must have this.

LOUIS I wish I could afford to give it to you, Sir Patrick. But I’d pay five guineas sooner than part with it.

RIDGEON Oh, for that matter, I will give you six for it.

WALPOLE Ten.

LOUIS I think Sir Patrick is morally entitled to it, as he sat for it. May I send it to your house, Sir Patrick, for twelve guineas?

SIR PATRICK Twelve guineas! Not if you were President of the Royal Academy, young man. [He gives him back the drawing decisively and turns away, taking up his hat].

LOUIS [to B. B.] Would you like to take it at twelve, Sir Ralph?

B. B. [coming between LOUIS and WALPOLE] Twelve guineas? Thank you: I’ll take it at that. [He takes it and presents it to SIR PATRICK]. Accept it from me, Paddy; and may you long be spared to contemplate it.

SIR PATRICK Thank you. [He puts the drawing into his hat].

B. B. I neednt settle with you now, Mr Dubedat: my fees will come to more than that. [He also retrieves his hat].

LOUIS [indignantly] Well, of all the mean — [ words fail him]! I’d let myself be shot sooner than do a thing like that. I consider youve stolen that drawing.

SIR PATRICK [drily] So weve converted you to a belief in morality after all, eh?

LOUIS Yah! [To WALPOLE] I’ll do another one for you,Walpole, if youll let me have the ten you promised.

WALPOLE Very good. I’ll pay on delivery.

LOUIS Oh! What do you take me for? Have you no confidence in my honor?

WALPOLE None whatever.

LOUIS Oh well, of course if you feel that way, you cant help it. Before you go, Sir Patrick, let me fetch Jennifer. I know she’d like to see you, if you dont mind. [He goes to the inner door]. And now, before she comes in, one word.Youve all been talking here pretty freely about me — in my own house too. I dont mind that: I’m a man and can take care of myself. But when Jennifer comes in, please remember that she’s a lady, and that you are supposed to be gentlemen. [He goes out].

WALPOLE Well!!! [He gives the situation up as indescribable, and goes for his hat].

RIDGEON Damn his impudence!

B. B. I shouldnt be at all surprised to learn that he’s well connected. Whenever I meet dignity and self-possession without any discoverable basis, I diagnose good family.

RIDGEON Diagnose artistic genius, B. B. Thats what saves his self-respect.

SIR PATRICK The world is made like that. The decent fellows are always being lectured and put out of countenance by the snobs.

B. B. [altogether refusing to accept this] I am not out of countenance. I should like, by Jupiter, to see the man who could put me out of countenance. [ Jennifer comes in]. Ah, Mrs. Dubedat! And how are we to-day?

MRS DUBEDAT [shaking hands with him] Thank you all so much for coming. [She shakes WALPOLE’s hand]. Thank you, Sir Patrick [she shakes SIR PATRICK‘s]. Oh, life has been worth living since I have known you. Since Richmond I have not known a moment’s fear. And it used to be nothing but fear. Wont you sit down and tell me the result of the consultation?

WALPOLE I’ll go, if you dont mind, Mrs. Dubedat. I have an appointment. Before I go, let me say that I am quite agreed with my colleagues here as to the character of the case. As to the cause and the remedy, thats not my business: I’m only a surgeon; and these gentlemen are physicians and will advise you. I may have my own views: in fact I h a v e them; and they are perfectly well known to my colleagues. If I am needed — and needed I shall be finally — they know where to find me; and I am always at your service. So for to-day, good-bye. [He goes out, leaving JENNIFER much puzzled by his unexpected withdrawal and formal manner].

SIR PATRICK I also will ask you to excuse me, Mrs Dubedat.

RIDGEON (anxiously] Are you going?

SIR PATRICK Yes: I can be of no use here; and I must be getting back. As you know, maam, I’m not in practice now; and I shall not be in charge of the case. It rests between Sir Colenso Ridgeon and Sir Ralph Bloomfield Bonington. They know my opinion. Good afternoon to you, maam. [He bows and makes for the door].

MRS DUBEDAT [detaining him] Theres nothing wrong, is there?You dont think Louis is worse, do you?

SIR PATRICK No: he’s not worse. Just the same as at Richmond.

MRS DUBEDAT Oh, thank you: you frightened me. Excuse me.

SIR PATRICK Dont mention it, maam. [He goes out].

B. B. Now, Mrs Dubedat, if I am to take the patient in hand —

MRS DUBEDAT [apprehensively, with a glance at RIDGEON] You! But I thought that Sir Colenso —

B. B. [beaming with the conviction that he is giving her a most gratifying surprise] My dear lady, your husband shall have Me.

MRS DUBEDAT But —

B. B. Not a word: it is a pleasure to me, for your sake. Sir Colenso Ridgeon will be in his proper place, in the bacteriological laboratory. I shall be in my proper place, at the bedside. Your husband shall be treated exactly as if he were a member of the royal family. [MRS DUBEDAT uneasy, again is about to protest]. No gratitude: it would embarrass me, I assure you. Now, may I ask whether you are particularly tied to these apartments. Of course, the motor has annihilated distance; but I confess that if you were rather nearer to me, it would be a little more convenient.

MRS DUBEDAT You see, this studio and flat are self-contained. I have suffered so much in lodgings. The servants are so frightfully dishonest.

B. B. Ah! Are they? Are they? Dear me!

MRS DUBEDAT I was never accustomed to lock things up. And I missed so many small sums. At last a dreadful thing happened. I missed a five-pound note. It was traced to the housemaid; and she actually said Louis had given it to her. And he wouldnt let me do anything: he is so sensitive that these things drive him mad.

B. B. Ah — hm — ha — yes — say no more, Mrs. Dubedat: you shall not move. If the mountain will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet must come to the mountain. [165] Proverbial saying that derives from English author Francis Bacon’s essay “On Boldness” (from Essays, 1625). Now I must be off. I will write and make an appointment. We shall begin stimulating the phagocytes on — on — probably on Tuesday next; but I will let you know. Depend on me; dont fret; eat regularly; sleep well; keep your spirits up; keep the patient cheerful; hope for the best; no tonic like a charming woman; no medicine like cheerfulness; no resource like science; good-bye, good-bye, good-bye. [Having shaken hands — she being too overwhelmed to speak — he goes out, stopping to say to RIDGEON] On Tuesday morning send me down a tube of some really stiff anti-toxin. Any kind will do. Dont forget. Good-bye, Colly. [He goes out].

RIDGEON You look quite discouraged again. [She is almost in tears]. What’s the matter? Are you disappointed?

MRS DUBEDAT I know I ought to be very grateful. Believe me, I am very grateful. But — but —

RIDGEON Well?

MRS DUBEDAT I had set my heart on y o u r curing Louis.

RIDGEON Well, Sir Ralph Bloomfield Bonington —

MRS DUBEDAT Yes, I know, I know. It is a great privilege to have him. But oh, I wish it had been you. I know it’s unreasonable; I cant explain; but I had such a strong instinct that you would cure him. I dont — I cant feel the same about Sir Ralph. You promised me. Why did you give Louis up?