George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

RIDGEON I will. Good-bye. [They shake hands]. By the way, you know, dont you, that tuberculosis is catching. You take every precaution, I hope.

MRS DUBEDAT I am not likely to forget it. They treat us like lepers at the hotels.

EMMY [at the door] Well, deary: have you got round him?

RIDGEON Yes. Attend to the door and hold your tongue.

EMMY Thats a good boy. [She goes out with MRS. DUBEDAT].

RIDGEON [alone] Consultation free. Cure guaranteed. [He heaves a great sigh].

After dinner on the terrace at the Star and Garter, Richmond. Cloudless summer night; nothing disturbs the stillness except from time to time the long trajectory of a distant train and the measured clucking of oars coming up from the Thames in the valley below. The dinner is over; and three of the eight chairs are empty. Sir Patrick, with his back to the view, is at the head of the square table with Ridgeon. The two chairs opposite them are empty. On their right come,first, a vacant chair, and then one very fully occupied by B. B., who basks blissfully in the moonbeams. On their left, Schutzmacher and Walpole. The entrance to the hotel is on their right, behind B. B.. The five men are silently enjoying their coffee and cigarets, full of food, and not altogether void of wine.

Mrs Dubedat, wrapped up for departure, comes in. They rise, except Sir Patrick; but she takes one of the vacant places at the foot of the table, next B. B.; and they sit down again.

MRS DUBEDAT [as she enters] Louis will be here presently. He is shewing Dr Blenkinsop how to work the telephone. [She sits]. Oh, I am so sorry we have to go. It seems such a shame, this beautiful night. And we have enjoyed ourselves so much.

RIDGEON I dont believe another half-hour would do Mr Dubedat a bit of harm.

SIR PATRICK Come now, Colly, come! come! none of that. You take your man home, Mrs Dubedat; and get him to bed before eleven.

B. B. Yes, yes. Bed before eleven. Quite right, quite right. Sorry to lose you, my dear lady; but Sir Patrick’s orders are the laws of — er — of Tyre and Sidon. [155] B.B.’s memory of the laws of Medes and Persians from the Bible (see Daniel 6:8-15) fails, so he improvises.

WALPOLE Let me take you home in my motor.

SIR PATRICK No. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Walpole. Your motor will take Mr and Mrs Dubedat to the station, and quite far enough too for an open carriage at night.

MRS DUBEDAT Oh, I am sure the train is best.

RIDGEON Well, Mrs Dubedat, we have had a most enjoyable evening.

MRS DUBEDAT [with a touch of shy anxiety] What did you think of Louis? Or am I wrong to ask?

RIDGEON Wrong! Why, we are all charmed with him.

WALPOLE Delighted.

B. B. Most happy to have met him. A privilege, a real privilege.

SIR PATRICK [ grunts ] !

MRS DUBEDAT [quickly] Sir Patrick: are y o u uneasy about him?

SIR PATRICK [discreetly] I admire his drawings greatly, maam.

MRS DUBEDAT Yes; but I meant —

RIDGEON You shall go away quite happy. He’s worth saving. He must and shall be saved.

MRS DUBEDAT rises and gasps with delight, relief, and gratitude. They all rise except SIR PATRICK and SCHUTZMACHER, and come reassuringly to her.

B. B. Certainly, c e r-tainly.

WALPOLE Theres no real difficulty, if only you know what to do.

MRS DUBEDAT Oh, how can I ever thank you! From this night I can begin to be happy at last. You dont know what I feel.

She sits down in tears. They crowd about her to console her.

B. B. My dear lady: come come! come come! [very persuasively] c o m e come!

WALPOLE Dont mind us. Have a good cry.

RIDGEON No: dont cry. Your husband had better not know that weve been talking about him.

MRS DUBEDAT [quickly pulling herself together] No, of course not. Please dont mind me. What a glorious thing it must be to be a doctor! [They laugh]. Dont laugh. You dont know what youve done for me. I never knew until now how deadly afraid I was — how I had come to dread the worst. I never dared let myself know. But now the relief has come: now I know.

LOUIS DUBEDAT comes from the hotel, in his overcoat, his throat wrapped in a shawl. He is a slim young man of 23, physically still a stripling, and pretty, though not effeminate. He has turquoise blue eyes, and a trick of looking you straight in the face with them, which, combined with a frank smile, is very engaging. Although he is all nerves, and very observant and quick of apprehension, he is not in the least shy. He is younger than JENNIFER; but he patronizes her as a matter of course. The doctors do not put him out in the least: neither SIR PATRICK’s years nor BLOOMFIELD BONINGTON’s majesty have the smallest apparent effect on him : he is as natural as a cat: he moves among men as most men move among things, though he is intentionally making himself agreeable to them on this occasion. Like all people who can be depended on to take care of themselves, he is welcome company; and his artist’s power of appealing to the imagination gains him credit for all sorts of qualities and powers, whether he possesses them or not.

LOUIS (pulling on his gloves behind RIDGEON’s chair] Now, Jinny-Gwinny : the motor has come round.

RIDGEON Why do you let him spoil your beautiful name like that, Mrs Dubedat?

MRS DUBEDAT Oh, on grand occasions I am Jennifer.

B. B. You are a bachelor: you do not understand these things, Ridgeon. Look at me [They look]. I also have two names. In moments of domestic worry, I am simple Ralph. When the sun shines in the home, I am Beedle-Deedle-Dumkins. Such is married life! Mr Dubedat: may I ask you to do me a favor before you go. Will you sign your name to this menu card, under the sketch you have made of me?

WALPOLE Yes; and mine too, if you will be so good.

LOUIS Certainly. [He sits down and signs the cards].

MRS DUBEDAT Wont you sign Dr Schutzmacher’s for him, Louis?

LOUIS I dont think Dr Schutzmacher is pleased with his portrait. I’ll tear it up. [He reaches across the table for Schutzmacher’s menu card, and is about to tear it. Schutzmacher makes no sign].

RIDGEON No, no: if Loony doesnt want it, I do.

LOUIS I’ll sign it for you with pleasure. [He signs and hands it to RIDGEON]. Ive just been making a little note of the river to night : it will work up into something good [he shews a pocket sketch-book]. I think I’ll call it the Silver Danube.

B. B. Ah, charming, charming.

WA LP O LE Very sweet. Youre a nailer at pastel.

LOUIS coughs, first out of modesty, then from tuberculosis.

SIR PATRICK Now then, Mr Dubedat: youve had enough of the night air. Take him home, maam.

MRS DUBEDAT Yes. Come, Louis.

RIDGEON Never fear. Never mind. I’ll make that cough all right.

B. B. We will stimulate the phagocytes. [With tender effusion, shaking her hand] G o o d-night, Mrs Dubedot. Good-night. Good-night.

WALPOLE If the phagocytes fail, come to me. I’ll put you right.

LOUIS Good-night, Sir Patrick. Happy to have met you.

SIR PATRICK ‘Night (half a grunt].

MRS DUBEDAT Good-night, Sir Patrick.

SIR PATRICK Cover yourself well up. Dont think your lungs are made of iron because theyre better than his. Good-night.