Hanif Kureishi - The Black Album

DeedeeDidn’t take you for a disciple.

ShahidCan’t I admire him for his courage?

The doorbell rings. Deedee opens the door to Chili .

ChiliWhat are you called when someone’s asking?

DeedeeDeedee. Deedee Osgood.

Chili( kissing her hands ) Tell me, Deedee Osgood, is my baby bro safe in your hands?

Deedee( appraising him ) You must be Chili.

ChiliAt your service.

DeedeeOne Hasan at a time is more than enough.

ChiliAre you sure?

Deedee laughs

A woman’s laugh — better than any rush known to man.

DeedeeQuite the priest. I can’t imagine you giving a sermon.

ChiliI could be a very Jesus in bed.

ShahidWhat you doing here, Chili?

ChiliI was concerned, bro. Thought that bad posse might have messed with you.

DeedeeThey have.

Chili( to Shahid ) Just say the word, and Chili will have a friendly chat.

ShahidI’ll take care of myself.

ChiliJust take her in your arms. Want me to demonstrate?

DeedeeI’m not clean enough for him. I’ve become a sort of pork chop.

ChiliBut his knees used to go weak at the sight of a bacon sarni. ( To Shahid .) If Papa were alive, he’d have a fucking heart attack seeing you dressed like Ali Baba.

ShahidThat’s who we are, bro! ( To Deedee .) We don’t sit swigging wine all evening!

DeedeeWhat alternative are you offering?

ChiliAnd you two not even married yet …!

He picks up a beer and leaves. Pause .

DeedeeIt’s very original, the way you weave Scheherazade into your story. The Arabian Nights in Sevenoaks. No one’s written like this about England — you have a voice and a future, Shahid.

Shahid is speechless .

This is the new literature — when stories from elsewhere slice into conventional England. Rushdie showed there’s a gap in modern writing that can only be filled by stories like yours. You could be the real deal. You could be published by Faber and Faber and go to literary parties, accompanied by me.

ShahidYeah?

DeedeeIf you don’t get distracted.

ShahidYou look ravishing, you do.

DeedeeThank you.

ShahidDeedee …

She slips his kurta off and sits him on her sofa. Puts on some music and starts applying make-up to turn him androgynous, à la Prince. She talks as she works .

DeedeeLondon was full of Arabs in the seventies. They thought they liked girls. Didn’t treat us badly but wouldn’t talk. So we’d sit in their apartments all night, snorting coke and waiting to be pointed at … Happiest day was being accepted for university. My old man said someone common like me didn’t deserve an education … Met Brownlow there. Off to picket lines, demonstrations and Greenham Common — activists together … When I think about how far I’ve come, I’m proud of what I’ve done.

ShahidWhy are you sad, then?

DeedeeAm I?

ShahidA little.

DeedeeThe price might have been too high … I gave up the possibility of children for what?

She invites him to parade .

ShahidNow?

DeedeeThere’s only now. Let’s see how well you know your Prince.

He parades to music from Prince’s Black Album.

Shahid( with a flourish, quoting Prince’s songs ) Aw! Lovesexy! Baby I’m a Star!

DeedeeStill like Prince? Your friend Chad?

ShahidU Got that Look …! Na — he’s Rockhard in a Funky Place.

Deedee( joining in the game ) I knew him with a Raspberry Beret on his head.

Shahid( concerned ) Condition of the Heart?

DeedeeNo. Sign o’ the Times. Purple Rain. He was a One Man Jam!

ShahidHot Thing! That’s action to the max. Like when you were on picket lines.

DeedeeOur cause was clearer then. We questioned. All authority. Religion.

Shahid( jibing ) Now you teach post-colonial literature.

DeedeeThatcher’s worn everyone down. ( Defiant .) So let’s just Dance to the Music of the World!

ShahidYou Can Be My Teacher, driving a Little Red Corvette!

DeedeeI Wanna Be your Lover!

ShahidLet’s do Le Grind!

DeedeeLet’s Go Crazy!

They dance .

ShahidCan’t stay tonight.

She stops .

DeedeeWhy?

ShahidBrother action, you know.

DeedeeNo, I don’t.

Beat .

ShahidRiaz has seen a miracle.

DeedeeFuck!

ShahidCan’t you just make me come?

Beat .

DeedeeYou know what you want — that’s something at least. Would your friends say you’re a hypocrite, coming here for a fuck after God’s shown Riaz a miracle?

ShahidI do want to be with you.

DeedeeThere’s quicker ways to get relief.

ShahidDon’t put me off, Deedee.

DeedeeWhy not? Do you really understand what’s going on with Riaz?

ShahidPlease, Deedee …

DeedeeYou want me — fine. What’re you going to do for me?

ShahidWhat do you want me to do?

DeedeeThinking for yourself will be a start. He’s using you for his own ends.

ShahidAren’t you?

DeedeeYou came to me with your writing, remember? Do you want Riaz to destroy your creativity?

ShahidWhy do you assume he’ll do that? He’s given me his poems to work on.

DeedeeI don’t trust him.

ShahidYou don’t like him.

DeedeeHe’s dangerous.

ShahidHe needs me — I’m going back.

He picks up his jacket and exits .

Deedee( shouting after him ) You’ve got to decide, Shahid — who really are your people?

Interval .

Shahid’s digs. Morning. Shahid is working at his desk. Chad enters, with Hat .

ChadHey, Shahid, brother Riaz had the delectation of meeting your brother in the hallway earlier. An’ you know what happened? There was an incident.

ShahidWhat incident?

HatChili threatened brother Riaz.

ShahidSorry?

HatHe claimed the brother wearing one of his shirts.

ShahidOh, no.

HatRiaz didn’t know what he was talking about.

Shahid( to Chad ) Did you tell Riaz?

Chad( pointedly ) It ain’t him nuisancing me right now.

ShahidWho do you mean?

ChadYou holding something back, Shahid?

ShahidListen, Chad — you know, brother, the first time we met, an’ I told you that as a Paki, I went through a lot of shit? I wanted to say to you, Trev –