Hanif Kureishi - The Black Album

ChadDid you call me Trev?

ShahidYeah, I was trying to say –

ChadNo more Trev. Me a Muslim. Like Mohammed Ali. We don’t apologise for ourselves. We are people who say one important thing — that pleasure and self-absorption isn’t everything.

HatRiaz says it is a bottomless basket.

ChadAin’t that a wicked phrase? One pleasure — unless there are strong limits — can only lead to another. Until we become beasts. The people paint their faces.

ShahidWhat?

ChadThey wear aftershave. And they paint their faces. What happened to the clothes I gave you?

ShahidI was too cold.

ChadYou hear the Iranians planning to put the fatwa on the writer?

ShahidWhat’s a fatwa?

ChadThat when Allah take a cleaver against a sinner — like what I did against that racist.

HatOnly it green.

ChadWhat?

HatAllah is green, so his sword is green — you know, the colour of fertile land.

ChadYeah, Allah the first environmentalist. Anyway, it the law, once it passed by the Iranians. It legal then to take action against the blasphemer. And now there’s been a confirmation, no one can doubt it. It will force Iranians to issue the fatwa.

HatWhat confirmation?

Chad( stating the obvious ) We have been given a miraculous sign.

HatWe blessed! What sort of sign?

ChadAn arrow.

ShahidAn arrow?

ChadYeah, it’s an arrow pointing straight at the author.

HatWhat type of arrow?

ChadI’ll clip you upside your head! How many bloody type of arrows are there? You idiot. I’ll just say this. It’s an arrow in an eggplant.

HatHow can you plant an egg?

ChadYou fool, Hat, don’t problem up a brother! Moulana Darapuria has now given his confirmation that the aubergine wrapped in Shahid’s pakora is a divine symbol. And we’re exhibiting the righteous aubergine right here! Riaz wants a squad of us brothers to watch the door, make sure the crowds behave, and the press don’t turn hot lights on God’s message.

Tahira enters with the aubergine on a silver salver. She places it in the middle of the room and begins circumambulating, followed by streams of others .

TahiraGod has granted me the sight. Thanks to Shahid.

HatIt’s true, Shahid! You can see the arrow!

ChadPointing straight at Islington.

ShahidHow do you know it’s Islington?

ChadIt where the writer live.

ShahidMy room’s going to be wrecked by all these people.

Riaz enters, as the ‘pilgrims’ begin chanting .

Riaz As-salaam a-leikum , Shahid. You see how far-reaching is the power of Allah.

ShahidI didn’t realise Allah was vegetarian.

Riaz clocks Shahid momentarily, then laughs .

RiazYou have a good way with your words. ( Taking Shahid aside .) Our people, most of them are from villages, half-literate and not wanted here. These miracles give them a voice in this land of so-called free expression. We who are educated, it is our duty to give this miracle a shape. I understand the Ayatollah is getting ready to make a big announcement.

ShahidDo you know what the fatwa will say?

RiazIt is a call to all Muslims to defend the faith against blasphemers.

ShahidWhat does that mean?

RiazSurely it is obvious. The fatwa requires us to take whatever action is necessary. Just like the action we took against the racists. That writer insults us. To be against racism is to also be against blasphemers. I can see this troubles you, Shahid. Let us discuss this openly, like a family. I will tell all the brothers to assemble in your room early in the morning.

Brownlow enters, eager to talk to Riaz, who draws Shahid further away .

How is the typing coming?

ShahidI’ve had to change a few things in your poems.

RiazExcellent. Are you having to translate my work into current English?

ShahidNo, it’s more like –

RiazSmoothing out?

ShahidYes.

RiazGood. What did you think of my poem?

ShahidWhich one?

Riaz‘The Wrath’. ‘The Wrath’.

ShahidI — uh — haven’t got to that one yet.

RiazChad says you have had some work published.

ShahidIn a magazine. A while ago.

RiazWhat was it called?

Shahid‘Paki Wog Fuck Off Home’.

RiazDid they publish it?

ShahidThey were going to. Except my ammi tore up the manuscript. Said no one would want to read such filth.

RiazMuslims like us will never get accepted.

ShahidOh no, there’s nothing more fashionable than people like us. You, brother, could have a wide appeal if the media knew of you.

RiazThe media, yes. You must submit an article on this matter of blasphemy to the national newspapers.

ShahidIt’s difficult, with my room now a pilgrimage site …

RiazHow are you getting on with Tahira?

ShahidFine, fine. She’s a good brother — ( correcting himself ) sister.

RiazAn example to all our women. Modest. Obedient. She will make a good companion to a true young Muslim leader. And she wears no make-up.

ShahidWhat?

Riaz( reassuring ) Let me see what I can do about your room. ( Turning to Brownlow .) Welcome, Dr Brownlow to the site of the bona-fide miracle.

BrownlowI have arranged for Councillor R-R-Rudder to attend.

RiazExcellent, excellent. You see, Shahid, all the great powers in the community are gathering in support of our cause. Councillor George Rugman Rudder is Labour leader of the entire elected council here. Will you write down what he says? ( To Brownlow .) We need him to deliver a bigger place, Dr Brownlow.

Councillor Rudder enters, sporting a huge cigar. The crowd gathers behind Riaz and Brownlow, to welcome Rudder .

RudderHello there, people! Hello, all!

Riaz, Brownlow and Rudder shake hands while Hat takes a photo, and Shahid scribbles furiously .

RiazThank you for coming, Mr Rudder. We knew you would pay your respects.

RudderNaturally, naturally. What a marvellous crowd, worshipping the fruit of the earth! What a popular aubergine, top of the vegetable table! What a sound method of communication the miracle is! Thank God a Tory borough wasn’t chosen!

RiazMr Rudder, our sincere thanks again for letting us use a private house in this public way. We understand how illegal it normally is. The whole community is eternally grateful. You are a true friend of Asia.

Chad( while continuing to circle the aubergine ) Friend of Asia!

Hat( picking up the chant ) And of Southall!

TahiraAnd of Newham!

ChadAnd of Brick Lane — Asia’s best friend!