Hanif Kureishi - The Black Album

Hat and Tahira lead in the chant ‘Friend of Asia, friend of Asia, Asia’s best friend!’ as they continue to circle the aubergine .

RudderYes, and I’ll be rewarded in heaven, no doubt. The Seventh Day Adventists have expressed deep satisfaction, and, it is said, mention my ailments in their prayers. Rastafarians shake my hand as I walk my dog. I am East London’s one true Anglo-Saxon friend! ( To Riaz and Brownlow .) Naturally I have been generous enough to use my influence, against very racialist opposition, to open a private house in this way. But you are also smart enough to know, Riaz — and you are a smarty — that it can’t last for ever.

RiazWhich is why, Councillor Rudder, we have been thinking so much about the Town Hall for the preservation of the sacred miracle in public.

Brownlow( taken aback ) Y-y-yes, the T-T-Town Hall.

RudderThe Town Hall?

RiazIs there a reason why not?

Chad( while continuing to circle the aubergine ) Rudder, Rudder, Rudder — he’s our Asian brother!

Crowd picks up the chant .

RudderYes, yes, perhaps the Town Hall. There’s plenty of room. Most of it between the ears of the people who work there.

RiazIt will have to be in the foyer. There is already hanging there a picture of Nelson Mandela. We must not be ghettoised.

ChadNo! No! No! Ghettoisation — no!

Crowd picks up the chant .

RudderLet me first witness this phenomenal example of God’s signature.

They part to allow him to enter .

( Aside, to Brownlow .) Of course, revelations are faith’s aberration, an amusement at the most. But whatever helps the Labour Party get re-elected mustn’t be scoffed at. Let’s hope they curry this blue fruit. Brinjal, I believe it’s called. I could murder an Indian, couldn’t you?

He proceeds to a viewing of the Miraculous

Aubergine. Music. All disperse .

Shahid returns to his computer. Night .

Deedee enters, carrying her bag of books and notes .

Shahid( excited ) I wasn’t sure you’d come, Deedee.

She sees ‘the miracle’ on the salver .

Deedee( laughing ) God in a pulpy vegetable!

ShahidIs Prince culture? Or just what you think we darkies understand?

DeedeeI’m prepared to include voodoo as a subject of study because it’s part of the culture of some Caribbean Blacks, but that doesn’t mean I have to believe in it.

ShahidPlease, Deedee. I’ve got to make up my own mind about things! I don’t always want to be on the outside.

DeedeeDon’t ask me to believe in a communicating vegetable — and nor am I going to compete with one either. I’d heard books were on the way out, so now Riaz will want libraries to be replaced by greengrocers.

ShahidIt doesn’t matter any more! The Iranians are involved. They want to ban the book! I need help, Deedee.

Deedee starts laughing .

What is it? Deedee?!

DeedeeGive me your aubergine. Stick it in my earth and let me bless it with my holy waters.

ShahidI’ve forced Riaz into an open debate tomorrow.

DeedeeWhat are you going to say?

ShahidGive me a precis? I haven’t got time to become educated first.

He gathers his notebook and stands ready .

DeedeeRight then. There’s nothing new in wanting to ban a book. We’ve been down this road before — with Joyce, Lawrence, Miller, Nabokov. They were all censored in their time. And what did it change? People still read the banned books. Censorship’s never been successful. The last time it was tried was during the Inquisition — and that led to the fall of the very Church it was trying to protect. Not what your friends really want, is it?

Shahid( impressed ) Can you take them on instead of me?

DeedeeAnd what will you do?

ShahidCook you dinner?

DeedeeI’ll pass on that. These are your people, remember?

ShahidI get confused sometimes.

She hands him a pile of books from her bag .

Will you stay?

DeedeeYou’ve got work to do tonight.

ShahidIt’ll help me focus.

DeedeeThe miracle and me aren’t meant to be in the same room.

She gathers her things and leaves .

ShahidFuck!

Shahid resumes working on his computer, flicking through the books. Chili enters with Strapper .

What’s he doing here?

ChiliThat’s Strapper –

ShahidI know who he is! I’m working, Chili!

Chili starts scrabbling about on the floor, hunting for his stash .

StrapperCome on, Chili!

ShahidWhat the fuck’s going on?

ChiliDidn’t think you’d met my partner.

He finds the stash he’s hidden in the copy of Satanic Verses that Deedee had given Shahid

Ah, there you are, my beauty!

StrapperCome on, Chili, I’m dying here.

ChiliPatience, Strap-boy, there’s an art to satiating hunger.

He carefully unwraps the coke, cuts it up on a page and snorts .

Shahid( to Chili ) Your closest brush with literature, ever.

Chili( passing the score to Strapper ) There you go, Strap — you gotta trust me.

Strapper snorts .

( To Shahid .) Got a drink?

ShahidFortunately not.

ChiliBeen to evening prayers?

ShahidGo home, Chili. If you can’t, just leave me be. I got things to do.

Suddenly, two Heavies burst in. Strapper shrinks back in fear. Shahid is frozen in shock .

StrapperI told you! Chili!

Heavy 1( to Chili ) So?

Chili hands over the money. The man counts it, snorts derisively and takes a step forward. Chili hands over his keys .

Heavy 2He’s got brains.

ChiliThe Beamer parked outside. Full tank, too.

Heavy 1Pardon?

ChiliFull tank.

The Heavies look at each other, and kick Chili repeatedly. They leave. Shahid scrambles over to his brother .

ShahidWhat’s happening to you, Chili?

Chili pushes him away and goes to the still-whimpering Strapper .

Chili( knocks on Strapper’s head ) There’s someone in there. Oh, yes, I know there is.

StrapperChrist. They … they gone?

ChiliFor now.

StrapperRight. Phew.

Chili( to Shahid, as he lays Strapper down gently ) Floor’s very hard. Where’s your landlord?

ShahidWhat’s going on, Chili?

Chili( ignoring him ) I want to complain. He’s a fucker. ( Beat .) If Papa were alive, we’d be giving him heart attacks. Which of us, do you think, would he be more horrified by? I’d love to take a picture of you praying on your knees and send it to him in heaven. He’d probably say, ‘What’s my boy doing down there, looking for some money he’s dropped?’