Hanif Kureishi - The Black Album

She stares at Tahira. A stand-off. Chad enters, carrying a copy of The Satanic Verses. A beat. He exchanges looks with Deedee. And sees the leaflets in Shahid’s hand .

( To Shahid .) Get as many students as you can, Shahid.

Deedee exits. Chad snatches the leaflets from Shahid and flings them after her .

TahiraIsn’t it funny that nudists always keep their shoes on?

ChadGive me the stick, Hat.

ShahidYou’re a joker, man, if you think you’re going to start beating people!

TahiraYeah, just what she needs!

Chad( to Hat ) The string, too! What you waiting for?

Shahid( to Chad ) Listen Chad, that man, whatever he’s done, he never called you Paki scum, did he?

Chad( wound up ) Shahid, I mean it — where are you spiritually, man?

Shahid( considers. Pause ) Chad, brother — I try never to do anything Prince wouldn’t do.

Chad( in his face ) Where’s the typing we entrusted you with?

ShahidI want to talk to brother Riaz.

ChadWe had a talk and you left with that air hostess! Brother Riaz more annoyed with you than ever.

ShahidWithout Riaz, you’re nothing.

ChadI agree with you.

ShahidYou’re a dog without a master.

ChadA dog, yeah?

Chad chucks the book to Hat and pulls Shahid down by the wrists .

ShahidA dirty dog.

ChadLeast I recognise that a master is required. Did I make the world? But I do know that I not a coward. Because you are always talking, never taking action! Because you always had a sitting-down life! That shit you told me the first day, you invent it to make yourself interesting! Actions will be taken!

ShahidMake sure they’re the right actions.

Tahira( intervening ) This isn’t the time for giving up, Shahid. Otherwise they’ll put us in camps and turn on the gas.

ChadDon’t forget the paraffin, Hat.

He pushes Shahid forward .

You in front with me.

He leads Shahid off into the courtyard. Hat has strung the book up and pours petrol on it. Riaz enters, followed by Brownlow, then Deedee .

DeedeeMy God. What is happening to us? Shahid! Andrew! What’s going on?

Brownlow’s stutter prevents him answering .

RiazFellow students!

DeedeeAre you going to burn that book, Riaz?

RiazIf you will permit me, in one moment I will explain.

DeedeeDo you even know what that means?

RiazIs the free speech of an Asian to be muzzled by the authorities?

Various cries from the crowd around Riaz: ‘No, no.’ / ‘Let the brother speak!’ / ‘His turn on the spot!’ / ‘Say it, brother! ’

You understand? This is democracy!

Deedee( incredulous ) Democracy!

RiazAre the white supremacists going to lecture us on democracy this afternoon? Or will they permit us, for once, to practise it?

Crowd cries: ‘Get off, white bitch! ’/ ‘Punk priestess! ’

DeedeeWhy? Just explain why, Riaz?

RiazTo uphold values in our new society.

DeedeeGod save us from values!

RiazYou see? You see how feeble Christians are? A religion that’s lost its hatred is not a religion — it is empty!

DeedeeThen hooray for emptiness! My emptiness is the value. We’ve had too many values in Europe already. Doubt is our greatest need.

RiazIt’s the sure road to filth! Filth like this book that people like you use to laugh at us. Well, it is time for your Western arrogance to understand it cannot interfere with God’s decree.

ChadJihad!

RiazCome, Shahid, take up your brother’s cry. Look — the TV-wallahs are here.

ShahidYou called the press?

RiazI listened to your advice.

As the crowd chants ‘Jihad! Jihad!’ a Cameraman and Reporter take up positions, filming the action .

Let loose the piercing sword of truth!

Chad Allah-u-Akbar!

Crowd Allah-u-Akbar!

ChadDon’t mess with Muslims and their religion!

DeedeeThis can’t happen!

Deedee rushes out .

Riaz( to Shahid ) Consign this filth to the fate it deserves! Let the whole world see we shall not be overcome!

Reporter( to Riaz ) Can you get a bit closer to the book?

Riaz complies. He signals to Chad, who tilts the book while Hat thrusts a lighter into the pages .

ShahidNo, Riaz!

Hat repeatedly tries to get the book to catch fire .

HatThe book too thick — he written too much.

RiazPut more paraffin!

ShahidNo!

Shahid rushes out, returning to his room, where he furiously starts pounding on his computer .

In the background, the book can be seen going up in flames. Police sirens are heard, and Riaz and the gang scarper. Deedee is seen dousing the burning book .

Shahid’s typing gains in volume .

Chili comes in, with Strapper in tow .

ChiliStill working, bro?

Shahid( flaring ) I’ve got to be free to do what I want!

ChiliJust a family enquiry, bro — chill. ( To Strapper .) Park yourself in the corner, Strap, and keep mum!

They lie down, spaced out. Shahid continues his work. We see him editing Riaz’s poem on his computer screen .

THE MARTYR’S IMAGINATION

by Riaz al-Hussein

The fire-swept pavement fizzes treachery in this green land,

Here Satan and Eve dance around the Martyr weeping into the setting sun.

Wet bodies and captivating tongues promise a paradise of pleasures,

But the curved green sword slices a curtain of certainty down on the sun.

Shahid’s digs. Evening. Chad, Hat and Tahira burst in. Shahid closes the document he’s been working on .

ChadShe against authority yet called police in! Brother Riaz has said that Osgood must be removed from her post for her attacks on minorities.

TahiraAnd today she prevented our free expression. Isn’t that racist censorship, Shahid?

ShahidYou got your moment on TV.

HatShe’s left her office.

ChadWith my usual genius I’ve thought of what to do. Tonight we visit her private home.

Shahid( alarmed ) What?

ChadIn order to learn, she must be taught a lesson.

Chad signals to Hat to get the disc from Shahid’s computer. Hat does so .

ShahidWhat are you doing?

ChadRiaz is waiting for us at the mosque.

He snatches the disc from Hat .

I’m returning his property.

Shahid( reaches for it ) It’s not finished.

ChadIt finished.

He tosses the disc to Hat .

Check it out. Go!

Hat leaves .