Hanif Kureishi - The Black Album

( Hauling up the prone Strapper .) And you, Mr Strapper, you’re coming with us.

Strapper( in a daze ) What the — Hey, Trevor!

ChadI told you that’s not my truth.

StrapperWhere we going, man?

ChadTo sniff her out. Osgood — no good!

TahiraOsgood — no good! ( To Shahid .) You hear?

They leave. Chili stirs .

ShahidCome on, Chili — get yourself together!

ChiliWhat fucking mess you in, little brother?

ShahidWe need to get to Deedee’s.

ChiliNever chase women.

Shahid cleans him up and pushes him forward out of the room. Chili turns back into the room .

Tonight I want a human touch. Decent bed. Clean sheets. Let’s go to her place and party, toot sweet!

ShahidGot your knife?

Chili( flicks open his knife ) You don’t go round London without one.

Hat enters .

Hat( in a state, to Shahid ) What you do that for, brother?

ChiliRespect — that’s my brother you talking to!

ShahidWhere’s my disc, Hat?

HatYou know what you’ve done.

ShahidNo.

HatI converted Riaz’s poems on my printer.

ShahidAlready?

HatYeah.

ShahidI see.

HatI couldn’t believe it!

ShahidI hadn’t finished.

HatFinished?

ShahidThe poems –

HatHow d’you think brother Riaz will feel, standing so proud and all, waiting for his rhymes to come out printed and clean so he could hold it in his hands and show his friends?

ShahidThe original manuscript hasn’t been touched.

HatHim be shattered to pieces when he sees this.

ShahidIt’s a celebration. Of passion.

Hat( realises ) You been seeing that Miss Osgood, haven’t you? And collaborating with her all this time! You a raving evil spirit and a double agent!

ChiliFor being with a woman?! ( To Shahid .) What friends you call these, bro?

ShahidHat, did you like any of what I did?

HatI can be a bit dirty-minded myself, but that stuff … You a sewer rat. I don’t go and put an essay on girls crossing their legs –

ShahidAnd on the smell of their hair, and on the skin behind their knees –

HatYeah! The odours of their body and everything like that — people sniffing one another’s, you know, doo-dahs.

ShahidDidn’t God give us our doo-dahs?

HatI wouldn’t put them into print and mix it up with religious words, would I?

ShahidI want us to be friends, Hat.

HatWhy rape us then? Chad said that brother Riaz saved your life one time.

ShahidYes.

HatThat why you turn on him?

ShahidHat, please believe me. I was just playing with words.

HatOur religion isn’t something you can test out, like trying on a suit to see if it fit!

ShahidPlease, Hat, help me. I want to speak to Riaz alone. Just for half an hour. I want to explain everything. Will you talk to him without letting Chad know?

HatBrother Chad and all of us, we trusted you — apart from Tahira, who say from the beginning you an egotist with an evil smile. And then Riaz put his soulful words in your hands. It would have been a privilege for any of us! But he think you special. How can you think to bother Riaz right now? He busy planning.

ShahidWhat?

HatJust retributions.

ShahidLike what?

HatI can’t tell you.

ShahidWill you give me back the disc?

HatI can’t do that.

ShahidThen see you.

HatWhere you going?

Shahid pushes Hat out of the way. He falls. Shahid and Chili leave. Music, as they rush through London to Deedee’s .

Deedee’s house. Night. The TV is on. Shahid and Chili enter .

ShahidWhere’s Deedee? Where is she?

BrownlowThankfully, I no longer care. Probably making a list of a few more names to slip to the police.

Chili( brandishing his knife ) Where’s Strapper?

Shahid( pushing Chili away ) Have you seen her?

BrownlowFinished rogering my wife, Tariq? I imagined your religion frowned on such things. Or have you had enough of her? Wouldn’t blame you, sticking to your own. Especially with fiery cadre like Tahira.

ShahidIs Deedee all right?

Brownlow‘LBJ, LBJ, how many kids you burned today?’

ChiliWho’s burning kids?

BrownlowThat was our chant at Cambridge in the sixties when students were a united force, pissing on the gods of authority. Now you guys, in the most reactionary period since the war, have picked up the baton.

ShahidBut you’re out of it, aren’t you? You’re fucking off, leaving everything.

BrownlowWhat’s there to teach when there is no longer any knowledge to transmit? I’m off to Italy. Or France. Or maybe Spain. What does it matter? Everyone’s standing by their own miserable class or race. Rudder’s going to say the book’s an insult and call for it to be withdrawn. The Tory leader’s agreed to do the same.

ShahidWhat the fuck for?

BrownlowDon’t be naive, there’s a lot of Asian votes to be had round there. ( Ironic .) Up the revolution! Did I tell you, Riaz has been invited on Newsnight to give his opinion on the fatwa?

ShahidStop pissing me about!

BrownlowDon’t know who’s pissing whom.

ChiliAny booze in the house?

Brownlow( to Shahid, referring to Chili ) I see you’re enjoying a different class of friend, Tariq.

ChiliTosser.

Brownlow( to Shahid ) Riaz’s eyes went all bright when he heard. He’ll make a fascinating freak on TV. For a week or month. Just when you thought God was dead and buried, you realise he was merely awaiting resurrection! Every fucker’s discovering some god inside them now. Who am I to challenge this?

ShahidHelp us find Deedee!

BrownlowThere we were, right up to the end of the seventies, arguing about society after the revolution, and all the while it was being taken from us. The British people don’t want education, arts, justice, equality … Everything I believed has turned into shit.

ShahidYou’re a spineless bastard.

BrownlowI’ve been called worse, Tariq.

Shahid( pushing him ) My name is Shahid!

ChiliThat’s — manly — bro.

Brownlow( leaving ) Look — no stutter, see?

Brownlow exits .

Shahid( shouting ) Deedee!

ChiliAhh, soft, bro — always call a woman softly …

Deedee enters from the kitchen .