Hanif Kureishi - The Black Album

DeedeeWhat more do you want, Andrew …? ( Sees Shahid and Chili .) What’re you doing here?

ShahidWe’ve been looking everywhere for you.

DeedeeDid Andrew let you in?

ShahidForget it. Chad and the others know where you live.

DeedeeWhat?

ShahidThey’re out for revenge. They’re coming for you. Me too, now.

DeedeeWill you talk sense!

ShahidYou called in the police and I fucked around with their master’s words.

Deedee looks at him quizzically .

I rewrote some of Riaz’s poetry. Didn’t mean to. I was just playing as I was thinking of you — to see where it would take me. I was going to change it back. Riaz and the gang think it’s blasphemy.

DeedeeThey’re coming here?

ChiliAny booze in the house? I need a pick-me-up. Booze and a little nap, yeah, just a little sleep.

Deedee( to Shahid ) And you’ve brought him — ( indicating Chili ) — to help?

Chili puts his arms around Deedee and whispers. Deedee laughs .

Shahid( tetchy ) Chili.

Deedee( to Shahid ) Your big brother wants to put my tits in his mouth.

ChiliIt’s worth trying.

ShahidChili!

ChiliI’m lonely, all right? Tonight I want a human touch. To feel warm skin. Is that too much to ask? ( To Shahid .) All right, all right. ( To Deedee .) Any drink in the house, Deedee Osgood? Then I’m ready to take on any fucker who comes to annoy you. Me and my bottle will stand guard on the stairs. That’s where the enemy will come in, through the upstairs windows!

ShahidMake sure you lock it — and the back door.

ChiliToot sweet, bro, toot sweet. — Where’s your back door, Deedee?

DeedeeFuck it if they’re going to make me a prisoner in my own house. I’m going to cook. ( Taking Chili .) Come on, let’s find a bottle for you.

Deedee takes Chili off. The door rattles .

Strapper( off ) It’s only me, Strapper, the Strap. Official visit, man.

Shahid opens the front door. Strapper strolls in .

ShahidI thought you were with your old pal Trevor.

StrapperChad’s a religious type, he see everything from underneath. You just wanna be white and forget your own. ( He shouts .) You and your bro just wanna shag the white bitches! That why he don’t go for you no more.

ShahidI wish I hadn’t let you in.

StrapperHow were you gonna keep me out, cunt? Hey, don’t touch me, man.

ShahidGet out of here.

StrapperThe brothers burned the book, right? Funny how you people get into more of a state about a book than about the suffering people.

Shahid( pushing him towards the door ) You’re making me suffer now, Strapper.

StrapperI wouldn’t get heavy. Thing is, brown boy, your Chili owes me money. Where’s he hiding round here?

He suddenly jumps and holds the front door wide open .

( Shouts in a military voice .) All clear!

Chad, Tahira and Hat enter .

ShahidYou bastard!

Chad grabs Shahid in an armhold and offers him to Hat, while Strapper looks on .

ChadHere’s the scum, as expected — holed up with his bitch. So obvious. Now, brothers, get to work on the spy, the infidel, the traitor! Go on. Go on.

HatBut me papa will be looking for me!

ChadYour father? What’s he got to do with this?

HatI can’t stay.

ChadBeat him! This idiot hates us and he hates God! Give Satan one!

TahiraSatan! Satan!

Tahira knees Shahid in the crotch and repeatedly boots him .

ChadThe evil spirit has gone down!

Shahid staggers up. Tahira kicks him again. Deedee runs in .

DeedeeLeave him!

Chad( bars her way ) He belong to us now. Let us take him, bitch, and there’ll be no trouble for you! We’re going to deal with the spy.

TahiraHe deceived and spat on his own, wallowing in filth.

DeedeeLet go of him!

ChadEye for an eye — that so hard to understand, Miss Post-Colonial Studies?

DeedeeVery cute, Mr Trevor.

Chad( raises his hand to strike her ) Don’t use that name on me!

Deedee( jibing ) What’s wrong, Mohammad Shahabuddin Ali-Shah?

Riaz enters .

ChadHere he is. Sick, sick, sick as you prophesied.

TahiraMore sick now.

ChadWe’ve captured both of them! What now, brother? What action to take immediately? Which step do you want? Shall we take him away? Or finish him here?

Riaz( to Shahid ) You’ve pierced my heart, Shahid … Do you want to stand always alone? Or be one with the ummah that is your heart’s only family?

ShahidI’ll find my own ummah , thanks.

RiazBring him for interrogation! We will purify those who cannot purify themselves. He must be shown the raging fires of hell.

He turns to lead them out .

Hat( in horror ) Brothers! It that maniac!

Chili stands on the stairs above them, brandishing his knife .

ChiliHello, all. Robert De Niro’s waiting.

StrapperChili-boy!

ChiliO ye of little faith, Strap!

Strapper( jigging furiously ) It’s going up, it’s going up! Fuck everything! Fuck you all!

ChadRight! We’ll halal them all now.

He squares up to Chili .

ChiliYeah? I don’t like kosher meat.

Chili flies into the gang, knocking Chad, Tahira and Hat out of the way and grabs Riaz, holding the knife to his throat .

( To the others .) Now fuck off, all of you! Or else this brother gets halal-ed.

Riaz( terrified ) Go, go.

ChadLeave him! Or you get it!

Chad takes a step forward, Chili touches Riaz with the knife and Riaz bleeds. Chad stops .

Chili( to Riaz ) And get this fucking shirt off! I told you it were mine, man, now give it back.

Riaz, confused, looks to Chad .

Now!

Riaz takes off the shirt .

ChadI’ll halal you for this, I swear.

ChiliYeah, yeah. Bigger boys than you have tried to take on Chili. ( To Riaz .) Pants too.

Riaz complies .

ChadYou an evil spirit — how can you make brother Riaz change in front of women?

ChiliHe got something he ain’t proud of? ( To Riaz .) My fucking socks as well!

Riaz is forced to complete the undressing .

ChadYou goin’ straight to hell!

ChiliJust the place I want! Care to join me there? Now fuck off out of here with your poodles! Then I’ll release this one!

ChadThere are hundreds like us, hundreds and thousands!

ChiliWhat you waiting for — bring them on!