Hanif Kureishi - The Black Album

ChadHe a lion — my lion!

Riaz( complimenting Shahid ) Sher-e-Khan! Come, come, we must eat to mark the occasion!

Chad( to Riaz ) Shahid’s ammi sent some pakoras, brother.

RiazWhat better at this moment of triumph!

Chad( offering Shahid’s pakoras ) Right tasty, these aubergine pakoras.

Riaz( taking a pakora ) Nothing ever compares with mother’s cooking, eh, Shahid?

ShahidShe used to make them for Papa.

Chad( handing Shahid a plastic bag ) For you.

ShahidWhat is it?

ChadLook.

Shahid( extracting a white cotton salwar kameez ) It’s beautiful.

ChadYeah!

ShahidFor me?

ChadCourse. Put it on.

ShahidNow?

RiazYes, yes, come, Shahid — Tahira will turn her back while we help you change.

Shahid changes, helped by the others. Chad fits a white kufie (Muslim prayer cap) on him as the final act .

HatBrother, you look magnificent!

ShahidThanks, Hat.

ChadHow d’you feel?

ShahidA little strange.

ChadStrange?

ShahidBut good, good.

ChadWhat do you think, brother Riaz?

Riaz( complimenting ) Now our Shahid Hasan looks a proper Muslim saint! Do you see, Tahira?

Tahira demurely offers Shahid the pakoras .

TahiraMay our very own Sher-e-Khan continue to show wisdom and strength!

RiazHave some, to mark the occasion, from the hands of your own sister.

ShahidAfter you.

Hat takes a pakora from Tahira, followed by Riaz .

HatThese pakoras are better than my dad’s! ( To Tahira .) Hey, you think they like spinach for Popeye?

ChadYou a fool, yaar, if you think saag will give you strength like Shahid’s!

TahiraThat inborn, cos he is a Hasan, like the Blessed Martyr’s son!

Riaz looks at Tahira, then at the pakora .

Riaz( to Shahid ) Your ammi made these?

ShahidYes.

RiazAre you sure?

ShahidThe only thing Zulma ever cooked was Chili’s … you know what.

Riaz( expansive ) Mash-a-Allah! This is a miracle. The mother of Shahid Hasan is blessed! Chad, look, look at this.

He holds out the pakora on his palm for Chad and the others to consider .

ChadWhat am I looking at, brother? I mean — it’s a very well-made pakora.

RiazCan’t you see — there, running along the length of the pakora — from right to left. Tahira — can you see it?

TahiraYes! I can make something out — dark — coming through the batter.

RiazIt is aliph — the first letter of the holy language in which our blessed Koran is written. We have been granted a sign! Through Shahid here.

ShahidWhat sign, Riaz?

Riaz( urgent ) Dr Brownlow — we have a miracle in our hands! Allah has sent a message.

ShahidIs the message to carry on the vigil?

RiazThe racists all know now what to expect if they continue to abuse our friend.

ShahidThey might return with greater force.

RiazThen we shall be ready for them, insha’Allah . But news of this miracle will bring many more people to our side for the great work yet to come. The Iranians will hear of this. And then all will see how we stand strong when the wrathful sword of Allah slices through the air of injustice Mussulmans breathe everyday in this country.

ShahidI have to go — family business …

Riaz( expansive ) Of course, of course. Take Tahira with you. We will make all preparations to unveil this miracle before the unbelieving world. Chad, inform Moulana Darapuria we must meet urgently.

Shahid puts his jacket on and rushes out. Tahira follows him out. Strapper is lounging by the door .

TahiraWhere are we going?

ShahidPersonal business — family, you know. I’ll be back soon.

TahiraBut you mustn’t be alone at this time.

ShahidI will be all right.

TahiraI’m really not afraid.

ShahidBut I’d be afraid for you.

Tahira( simpering ) You are a true Hasan!

Shahid ushers her back in and walks off, followed by Strapper .

StrapperI could fix you up, you know.

ShahidI’m not buying anything from you.

StrapperWhy not? I fixed you up at the rave, didn’t I? Weren’t my shit the best you had? Straight up, we got suppliers that don’t do dirty.

ShahidListen, I got no charity, okay?

Strapper Zakat .

ShahidWhat?

StrapperThat’s what them Muslim brothers call it, giving charity to the needy.

ShahidYou don’t look needy to me and I’m not in the giving mood.

StrapperStop running from your own — they’s the only ones to depend on, when the shit hits the fan.

ShahidI’m not running from anyone. Except you.

StrapperNo need to insult, Paki.

ShahidI’m not a Paki!

StrapperCourse you are. We all are, those who’ve been left behind.

Strapper runs off, as Shahid heads to Deedee’s. Music, as he rushes through a wintry London night .

Deedee’s house. Deedee has prepared a candlelit dinner. Shahid rushes in .

ShahidSorry, sorry, sorry.

Beat, as Deedee looks at how Shahid is dressed .

DeedeeIn your pyjamas already?

ShahidYou don’t know what’s happening out there — urgent brother business! Chad was this close to carving some serious meat.

DeedeeNo surprise there — he wanted to chuck a bomb on his parents. That’s after he met Riaz, of course. Changed his name from Trevor Buss to Muhammad Shahabuddin Ali-Shah.

ShahidWhat? Chad?

DeedeeHe was brought up by white foster-parents. Foul-mouthed and racist to everyone but their son. No wonder he became a shooter. Riaz took him under his wing. Insisted everyone call him by his whole new name, even when playing football. His mates got fed up shouting, ‘Pass the ball, Muhammad Shahabuddin Ali-Shah — on my head, Muhammad Shahabuddin Ali-Shah.’ So he became Chad.

She offers some wine. Shahid makes a face .

Are there any pleasures you don’t eschew? Or is it only salted lassi you drink?

ShahidWhat about fighting racism?

DeedeeIs that what you think Riaz does?

ShahidHe is pure of purpose and risking his life guarding the flat of a persecuted couple right now.

DeedeeRiaz denounced his own father for drinking alcohol and praying in his armchair and not on his knees. He made you wear that, didn’t he?

ShahidWhat’s wrong with them?