Marisa Santi - Dancing To Happiness

Despite my legs tremble I decide to knock on the door of Matthias’ bedroom.

<> he says with a calm tone of voice.

<> Matthias listens but he doesn’t look at me.

<>

<>

<> I ask, hoping of being able to bring back the smile on his beautiful face, but also to have some answers.

<>

I remain puzzled and disappointed that he doesn’t want to open himself up to me. I nod to let him know that I understand.

Finally he raises his wonderful eyes towards me, takes my hand and pulls me towards him. <> he says making me sit beside him on his bed.

Good Lord! Staying so close to him is a torture. I immediately move the mischievous thoughts away from my mind and breathing deeply I reconnect my brain. I came here because I wanted some answers and instead he clearly changes the subject to avoid me to make him other questions to which he doesn’t want to answer. He will certainly think that I’m nosy! I accept his discretion in keeping his thoughts to himself and answer: <>

<>

Why does he ask me it? I realized that I stiffened and pretending not to notice anything I answer without dwelling too much: <>

I don’t know why but I have a fucking fear of his answer. My blood is boiling and I would never have asked it. I’m an emeritus idiot! I’d rather crash to the ground than see Matthias with another woman, much less with my best friend!

<> Matthias answers looking down at the floor.

Suddenly I have a tachycardia attack. I can not even look at him, I just want to get out of this fucking bedroom.

Roberta is absolutely right; I fell in love with Matthias since the first moment I saw him. From the very moment he came into my life, I was enchanted by him and then little by little I began to feel something deeper. The only thought that he could be connected with another woman hurts me. I would have never entered into his bedroom. I try to hold on for not making anything leak. Without looking at him to prevent him from noticing my frame of mind, I spell out: <>

To avoid showing him my sadness, I say a trivial excuse to get out of this miserable situation: <>

<>

<> I whisper.

I go out the door, breath deeply and rush to my bedroom to suffer in silence and far from prying eyes.

I don’t know how many hours I’m locked here crying, I feel emptied, I have not even come down for dinner. Now that I have the awareness that I’m in love with Matthias I don’t know what to do. How can I get him out of my head? I can’t believe he loves another woman. Who’s she? Isabel, you are very idiot! How could you even think for a moment that a guy like that could not have someone? I realize that actually I know nothing about him. How could this happen? Why did I fall in love with him? He is so unattainable, incomprehensible and with a fluctuating mood. Look who’s talking! My mood also is unstable lately. I begin to understand the reason of my disquiet. In recent months I have not fixed points. Am I in love with Max? I don’t know... I’m attached to him but I have never felt with him what I feel when I look at or think of Matthias. Max has always been my friend. Can it really be that I have agreed to get engaged to him only because of exhaustion? At the beginning I was happy, at least I believe it. We were often in touch but it’s also true that most of the time it has always been him who bended over backwards for me. I like him physically, he has a wonderful smile and in the past he made me feel safe in his arms. I feel like shit towards him. I have to get Matthias off my mind! Come back on planet Earth, Isabel! You are engaged to a man who loves you and would do anything for you! Poor Max, I’m hurting his feelings. From tomorrow onwards I must avoid Matthias and I must only think about passing my last exams and realizing my dream.

VI

My parents have organised for me a surprise party to help me find some peace of mind and to gratify me for the efforts of recent months. They have invited all my friends, including Matthias.

I’m really surprised and happy. Fortunately in the last period it’s much better with Max. We are again so harmonious to make anybody envious, the classical perfect couple. I’m succeeding in calming down and in masking my feelings for Matthias. I have understand that we do not belong together and that nothing will ever happen between us. It’s not fair to think about or desire the man of another and above all it’s not fair to hurt the man who loves me. The more I look around me, the more I realize how much lucky I am.

Everybody seems to have fun and the party organised by my parents is taking place for the best; the food is great, my mother has prepared my favourite dishes and everybody is submerging me in affection and gifts.

<> Rossana urges, distracting me from my thoughts.

<> I say to her, knowing her curiosity.

The guys gave me a tracksuit and the girls gave me two sets of underwear: one is in black lace and the other is always in lace but pale pink and with a so narrow g-string that wearing it will not leave anything to the imagination.

A note draws my attention:

Watching you dance will always move me. You can make me enjoy the feeling of freedom, your every movement is poetry for me. Matthias

Reading it I panic for a moment. I open the box that accompanied the note to see what it contains and with amazement I find an iPod.

I look at Matthias and he tells me with a smile: <>

<> I say to him smiling shyly.

Amazing! He is a good observer. I think no one has ever paid attention to what I wear and what I use to listen to music when I go running.

I get distracted by the doorbell, someone is ringing the bell and I wonder who it is. Here’s my curiosity is rewarded: there are some unwelcome guests, the two thugs with whom Matthias was quarrelling long ago at the front door.

Matthias stiffens in their presence. He invites them to go out accompanying them to the door and he goes away with them, leaving the party without saying goodbye.

I am very worried about him, I have thoughts more and more confused. I wonder what he conceals and what those nasty people want from him.

I don’t want to make my concern leak and I try to laugh and to get involved by the happiness of the others even if I’d just like to be alone with my thoughts.

The party is coming to an end and there’s neither form nor shadow of Matthias. I continue looking at the door of the living room hoping to see him back and to make sure he is okay. I’m worried, I’d like to ask my mother, maybe she knows something about Matthias’ past. After I change my mind: no, it’s not fair! I want him to tell me everything.

Little by little everyone leaves, including Max who I hope didn’t notice my “not being there” I must do something to stay up as much as possible to wait for Matthias’ return, I need to make sure he is okay.

<> my mother asks me, distracting me from the confusion that I have in my mind.

<>

<>

<> I say, hugging her tight.

<> she asks worried.

<>

<> she says, accepting my fleeting answer.

<> although I want to be alone and immerse myself in my thoughts, I believe that helping my mother can help me to distract myself and to pass the time. Who knows, maybe in the meantime Matthias could come back and I want to understand what his mood is. He may need to let off steam. Matthias, where on earth are you?