Pieter Hintjens - The Psychopath Code - Cracking the Predators That Stalk Us

❂ She’s playing nice, offering attention and gifts. She is trying to make someone else jealous. She wants something from you. Refuse the gifts. Tomorrow she’ll be abusive again.

❂ She thinks you are against her. She will try to intimidate you with a violent monologue. Then she will make peace and offer you a token present. Then she will demand that you do things for her. Then she will ignore you again.

A good subtitle explains Mallory’s motivations and makes predictions about the outcome. The listener can then use this to build their own model of Mallory’s behavior. You cannot assume everyone has read this book.

As you begin to inhibit and disable him, Mallory becomes more hostile. He realizes what you are doing, and guesses the worst. He is paranoid. He decides you are a real threat, and so he attacks you.

He starts to slander you with detailed stories of your crimes. When he tells these stories to an unaware audience, they believe him. You find people upset with you for mysterious reasons.

In extreme and rare cases Mallory accuses you of criminal acts. He gives the police detailed statements to try to incriminate you. You find yourself questioned. Such accusations and situations are frightening. Yet most police forces do not give unsubstantiated accusations much weight. There are troubling exceptions in some regions. A woman’s claim of abuse against a man may be taken as "true by definition" in some places. Be aware of this risk.

You must expect such attacks and remain calm if they happen. Take it as a sign of progress. The stakes are rising, and Mallory is taking more risks.

Material evidence is your insurance. You have proof that Mallory is a consistent liar. You have proof that he is a persistent rule breaker.

Your next action is to teach Mallory one simple lesson. It is: if he misbehaves, you will create consequences for him.

Keep in mind that Mallory has no fear of punishment or authority. He has always charmed and lied his way out of trouble. "You will get into trouble" is not a significant threat. He bluffs when he makes threats, and if you make a threat he assumes you are bluffing too.

So you must act, not threaten. You must create a cost for Mallory, and prove that you can and will repeat this as long as needed. The cost must always be a consequence of his behavior. That leaves him the choice of actions.

The consequence that hurts Mallory the most is exposure. Yet recall what I said about shouting "psychopath." Do not diagnose. Provide others with concrete evidence, and let them reach their own conclusions. Let them think of others they’ve known in the past. Let them paint Mallory with their own dark memories.

When you respond, do so with care and provide the minimal material evidence needed. It is tempting to make a dramatic exposure that will discredit Mallory for once and for all. This is a bad idea. It will not be over in one go. Play only the cards that you must, to win each round. Keep Mallory guessing and paranoid.

If you have evidence of criminal acts, do speak with a lawyer. You may be assisting a crime if you do not report what you know. As always, do your research and try to talk with other people in your situation.

The next stage is to take back control of your life from Mallory. Then you must end the relationship. If you see Mallory as an occupying power, this is the invasion and liberation. It can get messy. It will take time and patience. Yet this is how you regain your power, and heal.

Let me break down Terminate into separate actions. Each of these gives you more power and independence:

❂ Control your emotions . Mallory uses terror tactics to keep you silent and compliant. You learn to recognize your emotions and not let them control you. I covered this in detail in The Dance of Emotions .

❂ Regain control . Mallory likes to steer conversations and interactions, getting you to react. You turn this around so that you decide when to talk, about what, and for how long.

❂ Build alliances . Mallory works by dividing people and conquering them one by one. You create a united front among all those affected, to take power back from Mallory.

❂ Invest in self . Mallory attacks your self-image and sense of worth. This means you see no alternative to the relationship. To counter this, you create alternatives and build up your inner strengths.

❂ Move to exit . You now end the relationship, on your terms. There will be no negotiated settlement. Mallory must become history, one way or another.

None of these are one-day exercises. It all takes time. During that time, as Mallory realizes what you are doing, she will attack you. Few threats are as real to Mallory as a person determined to unmask him. And when she sees danger, she reacts with dramatic force. You need to learn to keep your nerve and not buckle. Remember what I said about predators being more bluff than bite.

By now we are moving to active resistance, and towards taking control of the situation. Psychopaths have specific weaknesses — like their paranoia — that you can learn, and then use.

They are arrogant and their superiority complex makes them careless. They are not used to any form of attack or active resistance. They often respond in dramatic and stupid ways. They tend to repeat the same responses over and over. Psychopaths are like actors: creative in a dramatic way and yet unable to see beyond their stage.

You have stopped reacting to Mallory’s provocations and promises. You’ve started to decode his motivations and techniques. You’ve felt your power returning. The next step is to take the lead, in your relationship with Mallory.

Start with conversation. This is Mallory’s main tool for manipulating you. Learn to control the start and end of every conversation. Choose when to talk and choose when to stop talking. If Mallory tries to start a conversation, you "have things to do." If Mallory forces his way into your space and begins making noise, you ignore him. If he insists, you leave.

Next, set the tone of any exchange. You can be friendly and generous, or cold, or outright hostile. At all times, be deliberate and conscious of your words and emotions. Learn how to control the direction of discussion through your own emotions. You will see that generosity or hostility both tend to provoke aggression. Try to see humor in the situation. How does Mallory respond when you mock him?

In face-to-face discussions, use a hidden audio recorder if you can. When you catch something valuable, save the recording. In written discussions, realize that every word you say is open to scrutiny.

If you cannot end a conversation, you can still control it. Let’s look at two techniques: chaffing and provocation. Chaffing is to overload Mallory with irrelevant detail about random topics. Provocation is to goad Mallory into idiocy or violence, and then record him.

Chaffing disrupts Mallory’s ability to manipulate you. He works with averages. He knows how you, and others, respond in conversation. He thinks several moves ahead, like a chess grandmaster.

Is he trying to get you to talk about your work? Spend half an hour telling him about the traffic, and the road works, and the weather. Then switch to cheese. Then discuss politics. Try to feel sincere about the topics.

When you leap around in unpredictable directions, he loses his focus. He starts to feel blocked, and will withdraw. He doesn’t enjoy playful banter.

Provocation sounds dangerous, yet as I explained, Mallory is a creature of bluff. Your goal is to kick off his visceral response, and to record it. One easy way to provoke him is to say "no" to a request, without explanation. Just refuse, turn and walk away, and switch on your audio recorder. Five minutes later you’ll have a violent outburst.