Pieter Hintjens - The Psychopath Code - Cracking the Predators That Stalk Us

And what you can expect to achieve:

❂ You can change Mallory’s behavior towards you or a group, by changing how you or a group treat Mallory.

❂ You can force Mallory to leave you or a group alone, by making it expensive and risky for him to stay.

❂ You can staunch your losses of money, time, and resources, by refusing to give in to Mallory.

❂ You can take full control of your relationship with Mallory, by seeing it for what it is.

❂ You can block and disable Mallory, even to the point where he cannot hurt others.

❂ You may be able to salvage pieces of whatever projects you were investing in.

❂ You can learn deep and useful lessons about your own and others' psychology.

❂ You can externalize your story and understand what happened.

❂ You can help others move through the same process as you.

Be explicit in defining your goals, both to yourself, and to others. Once you write down your goals, you can measure your progress over time. This will help you during the many moments when you doubt yourself.

We covered Diagnose in Hunting Mallory . Now I will explain the other steps.

A main goal of every abuser is to teach the victim that there is no abuse. "This is normal," goes the refrain. "And if anyone is crazy or abusive, it is you." From the outside, to accept this seems insane. For the victim, trying at all costs to make things work, it is rational. Take the blame, apologize, and keep trying to fix that cup.

So asking the question, "Am I dealing with a psychopath?" is a major step in itself. Yet what comes next is delicate. If you recognize yourself as the victim, then you have the right, even an obligation, to free yourself. You cannot wait or hope for a formal diagnosis of "psychopath" from a psychologist.

Yet outsiders will not leap to your understanding. They will see you as unstable. First you insist the relationship means everything to you. Then you accuse the other person of being mentally ill, or worse. "Psychopath" is only one step away from "serial killer" in most peoples' minds.

Mallory always deflects blame onto his victims. He does this well. He ensures that they look guilty, angry, and unreliable. In any situation of conflict, people are likely to trust his explanations. They will absorb his stories and reject those of his victims. The facts don’t matter unless there is video or paper proof. I cannot stress this enough. It catches even professionals who deal with psychopaths every day.

If you are Mallory’s victim, telling people "he’s a psychopath" will tend to work against you. It is like pulling out a knife in a gun fight. If you are trying to help someone else, the same applies. It is far better to document events as they unfold, and let others draw their own conclusions. Sooner or later, careful documentation always beats charismatic story telling.

You’re looking for:

❂ Evidence to disprove your insight . If the hypothesis is wrong you want to know as soon as you can. You want to find the real culprit, if any. You want to find other ways of dealing with the situation. For example, if someone is mentally ill, they need help. If they are a psychopath, their victims need help.

❂ Material evidence that you can use in a conflict . Such evidence must hold up in court. What that means depends on where you live. Video is good, audio recordings often less so. Phone calls and emails are usually good. Police reports and witness statements are good. You can talk to a private detective. They deal with a lot of psychopaths, and know the laws for evidence gathering.

❂ Insights into what Mallory is doing, and how . I’m not suggesting you bug his email and mobile phone to track his location and chats. That is most often illegal unless the phone is yours, and you install an "anti-theft" app. Yet if you do, it can be enlightening.

❂ Observations about Mallory’s behavior, for your own benefit . To confront and beat him you must know his game. You must understand every one of his moves, and know how to respond in each case. "Confront and beat" sounds dramatic. Yet Mallory never takes a holiday. Every time you interact with him he is pushing you.

I’ll discuss evidence collection later. Let’s focus on the last aspect first, which is to learn Mallory’s moves. This takes time yet is easier than you might think. Psychopaths all seem to work the same way. If you watch one, you are watching them all. If you can understand one, you can understand them all.

This is why hunting Mallory is so valuable. Every time you cross paths with a psychopath, if you are alert, you learn something useful.

Observing Mallory is like watching wildlife [86] http://www.wikihow.com/Watch-Wildlife . You choose your place and time, and do your research. Dress right, and blend in to your surroundings. Be calm and still and wait. Approach your subject with care, or view from a safe distance if you can. Identify behaviors as you observe them, and note behaviors that are new to you. Above all, use a journal:

Note the types of creatures you see and their characteristics, and jot down what they are doing and where. Make sketches or take pictures and paste them into your journal. Once you return from the field, review your journal and do some more research to answer any questions that came up during your observations.

You can observe Mallory from different angles:

❂ How she interacts with groups. This is easiest to see, yet incomplete. It is a good place to start. You can see Mallory’s narcissist mask, how she charms and bullies the others. You should always watch the others' responses. Mallory is the one controlling things. She may be active in the group. Or, passive, ignoring the group to break their mood. She triggers, they respond.

❂ How she interacts with individuals in public. Again, easy to see yet incomplete. You will see Mallory’s narcissist mask again. More, you can see the other person’s mood and body language. Do they look lost in love? Desperate yet frustrated? Silent and broody? Quiet and subdued?

❂ How she interacts with individuals in private. This is the best data, and also the hardest to get. It takes time and luck. Mallory is paranoid and secretive. Technology can help, if you have the skills or can find someone to help you. Or, you may talk to Bob and Alice and get their stories. These will be selective and distorted, yet useful.

❂ How she interacts with you. If you are in a relationship with Mallory, the data is all there. Your view is selective, rationalized, and distorted. It is still worth taking notes. Your journal becomes a long term memory. It lets you capture conversations or events that are so unreal you soon forget them.

The goal of Inhibit is to block Mallory’s patterns of behavior. The abusive bond is a curious thing. Even though one party seems in control, the other must cooperate. This is the "enabling" we see in psychopathic families. When Mallory is in a marriage with children, her spouse often acts as enabler. He excuses Mallory, hides conflict from outsiders, and tells the children "it is normal."

Individuals enable their abuser when they normalize the situation. In my Paper Cup story, every time Alice resets and repairs the cup, she is trying to make things "normal" again. This is how she enables Mallory.

To inhibit is to disable, making it more and more costly for Mallory to rule. Inhibiting works both in solitary relationships, and in group settings.

We can break down Inhibit into separate actions. Each of these addresses a different aspect of Mallory’s behavior. I’ll summarize these:

❂ Redefine the Narrative . Mallory depends on her false Narrative. You replace her broken promises with a more accurate model of your relationship.