Pieter Hintjens - The Psychopath Code - Cracking the Predators That Stalk Us

The result is just the same. Bob goes back to the source of his pain as fast as he can. If he learns anything, it is to avoid those midnight commandos.

This is the first problem with telling Bob to leave Mallory. He won’t listen. And if you use force to make him leave, you must continue to use force to keep him away.

Let’s now imagine Bob accepts your advice and leaves. Or, more likely, Mallory has used up Bob and kicks him out or walks away. Or some other crisis forces the situation to end. Bob does not walk away a healed person. Instead, he takes with him a massive burden.

The survivors' burden often translates into long-term depression, suicide, and relapse. It is not well understood, and often trivialized. I’ll break it down into smaller pieces so you can see its size and shape:

❂ Unresolved mental damage . Mallory has broken down Bob’s sense of self. It took thousands of small transactions, each negative in a different way. Often the individual transactions look harmless. Yet the balance is real, structural damage to Bob social mind. I explained in The Feeding how and why Mallory does this.

❂ Loss of power . Mallory has isolated Bob. Alone, Bob is and feels weak and vulnerable. He fears social contact. He stays indoors. He has nightmares, and dreads confronting Mallory on every street corner. His fear may last for years, or even the rest of his life.

❂ Economic damage . Mallory has stripped Bob of his assets. Without savings, it is much harder for Bob to take risks. He avoids new opportunities. He must repay debts created by Mallory. He may end up in real poverty, and suffer the consequences of that.

❂ Failure to externalize . Mallory has taught Bob that he is the guilty party, and she the victim. Bob takes this reality with him. He never understood how Mallory manipulated him. He accepts that he is a bad person, and then projects that onto any new relationship he tries to form.

❂ Blaming the victim . Others explain Bob’s trauma though his own mind or upbringing. They insist on putting the blame on him. You sought it, he hears. You stayed when you could leave, they repeat. He accepts the majority verdict that he chose to suffer.

❂ Survivor’s guilt . Bob knows that Mallory is still hurting others, while he "escaped." He feels responsible for their suffering. He gets stuck in cycles of guilt and shame and self-hate. He has difficulty in making new relationships, so remains alone. He remains vulnerable to drug abuse and suicide.

❂ Shame and social stigma . Bob’s behavior during and after his relationship with Mallory disturbs others. He is anxious and depressed, needy and insecure. She has blamed him in public, with lurid detail of his crimes. People consider him tainted. In the least, he has bad judgment. At worst, he is the true offender.

❂ Lack of alternative relationships . Mallory has cut Bob off from other people, by demanding exclusivity and attacking alternatives. A sudden rupture is like losing a bad job. The shock of being alone makes Bob vulnerable to looking for a replacement for what he knows. That is, another Mallory.

❂ Lifetime risk of relapse . Drug addicts and abuse victims are at high risk of relapse, all their lives. Bob spends years looking for another Mallory. He still sees himself as worthless and her as the only person who accepted him. He dreams of the euphoria she gave him.

All these add up to one thing. Bob is in real long-term danger, and few people are capable of helping him. If he is lucky he will find a psychologist who understands the trauma psychopaths create. No-one blames children for their abusive parents. People used to blame women for their abusive partners. "She likes it," was the unvoiced verdict. Thankfully that’s changing in global culture. It is still harder for men to find that sympathy.

Some damage is forever. Lost years, money, and opportunities are gone.

Yet some damage is fixable. Of the above outcomes, the one that drives all the others is the failure to externalize. It is Alice’s own view of what happened that keeps her in such trouble. All the other aspects stem from that, and reinforce themselves in vicious cycles.

So let’s break this down. What key things does Alice believe about her relationship with Mallory, that are mistaken?

❂ That she desired it and made it happen . Thus, she has some inescapable need to be with abusive people.

❂ That she failed to help Mallory, and make the relationship work . Thus, she failed in the main goal of her relationship.

❂ That people dislike her with good reason, and only Mallory accepted and loved her . Thus, she prefers her past over her present.

❂ That she is weak, afraid, needy, and stupid . Thus, she will fail in any new relationship or project.

❂ That she can succeed by being more like Mallory . That is, more aggressive, manipulative, and dishonest.

You can see this kind of thinking on many scales. It affects individuals, and it affects whole cultures. Look at a country like Russia and you see a nation believing all these things. It is not part of the "Russian character," if such a thing could exist. It is the result of a long history of psychopaths like Lenin.

Ask almost anyone why Russians get such bad leaders. The answer is always "because they want or deserve them." Even Russians say this, in all seriousness. I call this Russia Syndrome. For Alice to heal, she must cure her Russia Syndrome. To do this she must externalize her story, and see what actually happened. A predator attacked her, and hurt her.

I’m sure there are many ways to externalize, and cure Russia Syndrome. The fastest and most effective way I know is to confront Mallory, and defeat him. I’ll explain in detail what this involves. First let’s deal with the inevitable choruses of "are you insane?" When I speak of confronting abuse instead of fleeing it, I often get that reaction. The reaction comes from several arguments that appear to be wrong.

The first argument is an appeal to free will. We assume Alice can, and so must, escape. I’ve explained why this is a fallacy. Even if Alice realizes, "Mallory may be a psychopath," often she cannot just leave. The bonds are deep, and they override conscious decision-making. Alice may be a child, living with a psychopathic parent. Alice may share children with Mallory. Then she may face the agonizing choice of saving herself, or staying with them. Alice may live behind a wall.

The second argument is appeal to authority. "If Mallory is a psychopath like you say, then just tell the police. They will arrest him and save you." This assumes Mallory is silent and cannot tell lies that outshine Alice’s truths. Which he can, and will. It assumes authority is honest and fair. It assumes Mallory cannot charm authority to get all the sympathy he needs. Authority is often more likely to punish Alice than save her.

The third argument is the illusion of safety. "It could be worse, don’t provoke him." This is what Alice tells herself, over and over. Others will often repeat that. Even if Alice explains how bad things are, people may still tell her, "try and make it work." The assumption is that fighting back makes things worse.

The final argument is the assumption of immediate danger. "He could kill you, you must leave NOW!" Once the illusion of safety breaks, a panic sets in. We assume that Alice risks injury and death if she stays with Mallory. Thus, Alice must get away from Mallory as fast as she can. I’ll explain why this also a fallacy, at least in most cases.

We make a major assumption about psychopaths in popular fiction, and in clinical research. The assumption repeats over and over. It defines how the police and courts deal with Mallory. It defines how we try to help Bob in his struggle to free himself from Mallory.