Steve Andreas - Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

d) "Give me a specific sensory–based description, and/or a behavioral demonstration of what you want" Specify it so that someone else would know exactly what you want. "I want to feel just like I am now while speaking to you. I'll be breathing normally, feeling alert and able to remember what I want to say, and speak clearly and convincingly." (A sensory–based description will be a criterion for all the other conditions listed below.)

e) Appropriate scope. "Give me an example of what you want" I want to feel comfortable when speaking in sales meetings of about 10 people." (not "I want to be comfortable in all situations.")

f) Meta–outcome (see below). "When you have that, what will that do/get for you?" I'll have the satisfaction of making my views known to others, and be able to affect the group process in useful ways."

2. Evidence

a) "How will you know when you have it? What specific evidence will let you know that you have achieved it?" "I'll be able to feel comfortable, easily recall what I want to say, and speak clearly."

b) Appropriate and timely feedback. "What specific evidence will let you know that you are making progress toward your goal?" "I'll see the other people attending to what I say, and their questions will indicate that they have understood what I said."

3. Context

a) "Where, when, and with whom do you want it?" "I also want to be able to present information to a larger group of a hundred of my colleagues at national conferences."

b) "What specific sensory–based cues will trigger the new behavior or state?" "When I realize it is time to speak, and I see all those faces turn to look at me expectantly."

4. "Ecology (Congruence)"How will your desired outcome affect other aspects ofyour life, either positively or negatively? Does any part ofyou have any objection to your having this outcome?" "If I were able to do this, my boss might ask me to travel to more conferences, and be away from my family more, which I wouldn't like," etc. Either:

a) Limit the outcome to the appropriate contexts, or

b) Revise the outcome so that it is appropriate in a wider range of different contexts, or

c) Teach behavioral competence to deal successfully with the undesired consequences. (In the example above, the ability to politely and respectfully refuse the boss' request to travel more would be an example of #3.

5. Blocks"What stops you from having your desired outcome already?" "I get nervous, and that makes my hands shake and my voice quaver, and I sometimes forget what I want to say," etc.

6. Existing Resources"What resources do you already have that will support getting your outcome?" "I feel comfortable speaking to you, and to small groups of friends, where I have no difficulty remembering what I want to say, so I know that I'm able to do it," etc.

7. Additional Resources"What other resources do you need in order to get your outcome?" "I need to learn how to feel comfortable in larger groups, and to find some way to remind me of what I want to say, as a backup in case I lose my train of thought," etc.

8. Steps

a) Path. "How are you going to get there?" "I'll start practicing in very small groups of two or three people, and I'll imagine that they are all close friends."

b) Alternatives. "Do you have more than one way to get there?" (The more alternatives the better.) "I can also start by giving little talks to my kids about dinosaurs, or by presenting accounting figures to the PTA," etc.

c) Chunking. "Is the first step specified and achievable? How about subsequent steps?" "I can sign up for toastmasters, where there is no risk, and I can begin by giving very short presentations, so that it is easier to remember what I want to say. Then I can make slightly longer presentations, and use file cards with cue words to help me remember," etc.

Meta–OutcomeWhenever in this process you can foresee that your outcome will have obvious troublesome consequences (murder, suicide, financial ruin, etc.), elicit the outcome of the outcome (a "meta–outcome") by asking, "What will that do for you?" or "What will you get if you do that?" Keep asking until you get an outcome that you think is positive and not problematic. Finding a meta–outcome gives you flexibility in finding a specific behavior that will give you what you really want (the meta–outcome) without the drawbacks of the initial outcome that you thought you wanted.

This process of specifying an outcome can also be applied to your self–talk. There are some very important conditions that need to be met in order to specify how you can talk to yourself in a useful way. You can examine the words you say internally, to be sure that they get you what you really want, without too many significant undesired costs or consequences. In the next chapter we will be exploring how you are already talking to yourself, and how to use an extensive checklist to change that into something that will serve you much better, and take you where you want to go.

When we ask ourselves questions, they direct our attention to different aspects of our experience. If I'm at a restaurant, and it is time to order a meal, I could ask myself a wide variety of questions, and each one would point my mind in a different direction. For instance, imagine that you are in a restaurant now, and the waiter or waitress has just handed you the menu. What question might you ask yourself? .. .

First write down your question, and then notice how that question directed your attention, and how you feel as a result of asking it… .

We will make use of your question later in this chapter, so if you haven't yet written down your question, pause to do so now, so that you won't miss out on a useful experience… .

I realize that it may not yet be clear what I am asking you to do, so there are some examples below. Ask yourself the following questions, one at a time, and then pause to notice how each one directs you to a different scope of experience, with a somewhat different feeling:

m) What food would I enjoy most? …

n) What should I order? …

o) What are other people ordering? …

p) Did I pick a good restaurant? …

q) What is least expensive? …

r) What food will feel best to me an hour from now? …

This is only a very small sample of the many possible questions that someone could ask in this situation. I'll offer some general observations below, and you can compare that with your response.

The first question directs your attention to select something that will satisfy your own tastes, pleasures and preferences. Probably you will have a feeling of pleasure, as you imagine tasting the foods that you enjoy most. While choosing a meal that you will enjoy makes a lot of sense, it could result in spending more than you can afford, or result in overindulgence that you may regret later.

The second question uses a different criterion, "should" instead of your own enjoyment. Often this means choosing according to some set of rules about what you should do, which is often different from what you would enjoy. "I'd like a steak, but I should have a salad and juice so I can lose weight." Since most people resist doing what they "should" do, you likely have a less satisfying feeling of being pushed to do something that you'd rather not do.

The third question directs your attention to what other people are ordering, rather than what would satisfy you. If you select a meal based on what others select, and they enjoy different kinds of food than you do, you will choose a meal that you may not enjoy, and might even dislike.