Array Сборник - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

The doctor, worried(обеспокоенный) , says, “We'd better get some more information about you(нам лучше получить побольше информации о вас) to try to figure out what's going on(чтобы попытаться выяснить, что происходит) . What do you do for a living(что вы делаете «для проживания» = чем вы зарабатываете на жизнь) ?”

“I'm a musician(я музыкант) .”

The doctor looks up(поднимает глаза) and says, “Well, that's it(ну, понятно) ! Here's(здесь: «вот») $10.00. Go get something to eat(идите купите что-нибудь поесть) !”

bowel['baʋǝl] , movement['mu:vmǝnt] , prescription[prɪ'skrɪpʃ(ǝ)n] , laxative['læksǝtɪv] , prescribes[prɪ'skraɪbz] , information[,ɪnfǝ'meɪʃ(ǝ)n] , figure['fɪɡǝ] , living['lɪvɪŋ] , musician[mju:'zɪʃ(ǝ)n]

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, “Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn't work, let me know.”

A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”

The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”

The doctor, worried, says, “We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?”

“I'm a musician.”

The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!”

• That's it!

• What do you do for a living?

19. “Do you believe in life after death(вы верите в жизнь после смерти) ?” the boss(начальник) asked one of his employees(спросил одного из его = своих служащих ).

“Yes, Sir(да, сэр) ,” the new recruit replied(новый работник ответил).

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine(ну, замечательно: «это делает все просто прекрасным») ,” the boss went on(продолжал) . “After you left early yesterday(после того, как вы ушли рано вчера; to leave – покидать; уходить ) to go to your grandmother's funeral(чтобы пойти на похороны вашей бабушки) , she stopped in to see you(она заглянула/зашла вас повидать) .”

death[deθ] , employees[,emplɔɪ'i:z] , recruit[rɪ'kru:t] , replied[rɪ'plaɪd] , funeral['fju:n(ǝ)rǝl]

”Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir,” the new recruit replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

• That makes everything just fine.

20. A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer(дирижер имел много неприятностей с одним ударником) . He talked and talked and talked(он говорил, говорил и говорил) with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve(но его исполнение просто не улучшалось).

Finally(наконец) , before the whole orchestra, he said(перед всем оркестром он сказал) , “When a musician just can't handle his instrument(когда музыкант просто не умеет обращаться со своим инструментом) and doesn't improve when given help(и не совершенствуется, когда получает помощь) , they take away the instrument(«они» забирают «прочь» инструмент) , and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer(и дают ему две палочки и делают его ударником) .”

A stage whisper(«театральный» шепот) was heard from the percussion section(был услышан cо стороны ударников; to hear; percussion – столкновение; percussion instrument – ударный инструмент ) : “And if he can't handle even that(а если он не может владеть даже этим; to handle – оперировать; справляться ) , they take away one of his sticks(забирают одну из его палочек) and make him a conductor(и делают его дирижером) .”

director[dɪ'rektǝ; daɪ(ǝ)'rektǝ] , performance[pǝ'fɔ:mǝns] , improve[ɪm'pru:v] , finally['faɪn(ǝ)lɪ] , orchestra['ɔ:kɪstrǝ] , percussion[pǝ'kʌʃ(ǝ)n] , conductor[kǝn'dʌktǝ]

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

• He can't handle even that.

21. For the first time in many years(в первый раз за много лет) , an old man traveled from his rural town to the city(пожилой человек приехал из cвоего провинциального городка в город) to attend a movie(посетить кино) . After buying his ticket(после покупки билета/купив билет) , he stopped to purchase some popcorn(он остановился купить попкорна).

Handing the attendant(давая служащему) $1.50, he couldn't help but comment(он не смог удержаться от замечания) , “The last time I came to the movie(последний раз, когда я был в кино) , popcorn was only 15 cents(попкорн был только 15 центов) .”

“Well, sir(ну, сэр) ,” the attendant replied(ответил) with a grin(с усмешкой) , “You're really going to enjoy yourself(вы действительно развлечетесь) . We have sound now(теперь у нас есть звук = теперь кино звуковое) …”