Jilly Cooper - Prudence

‘Super,’ I said. I thought she looked frightful.

‘I’m as “in” as you are now. I came away without any luggage so Pendle had to buy me a new wardrobe. We’ve been out every night, plays and films and nightclubs. We went to Hester’s last night. Have you ever been there?’

I shook my head.

‘Pendle’s wonderful. He does everything to keep me amused. Do you know what he said to me as soon as I got here? “Please unpack, darling — everything — then I can get rid of your suitcase,” and then, towards the end of the first night — neither of us slept a wink — he said, “This is the happiest night of my life, better than when I passed my Bar finals, or got that scholarship to Oxford.” The awful thing is, having longed for me to come and live with him for so long, I don’t think he quite knows what to do with me.’ She rattled on feverishly.

Then suddenly, as she was casually shaking ice around in her glass, she said, ‘How was Jack when I left? Did he mind?’

‘Yes, he did, he minded like hell. He nearly murdered Rose when she said he was better off without you. He loves you. He was simply shattered. He couldn’t stop looking at your photograph and saying he couldn’t believe it.’

She went over to the record-player. ‘Pendle has such ghastly records. I went and bought some pop ones, but I’ve played them into the ground.’

She swung round. Her eyes were full of tears. ‘Was Jack really upset?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then why didn’t he come and get me?’

‘He wanted to, but Ace wouldn’t let him. Ace said it would be better if you realized you didn’t like living with Pendle first.’

Maggie put her face in her hands. ‘Ace is quite right, blast him!’ she said. ‘I always thought Pendle was much more interesting and enigmatic than Jack. But he isn’t. He’s just boring. Jack’s much funnier, and he never minded me being a slut; he just roared with laughter. If only he didn’t run after other women so much.’

‘He doesn’t mean anything by it,’ I said. ‘He’s just proving that he’s attractive, like gorillas beat their chests.’

‘And, what’s more, I think I’m pregnant and it’s Jack’s child and Pendle wants me to have an abortion.’

‘Oh, you can’t.’

‘I know. I’ve had a lot of time to think about Jack, and I think if we were away from Rose with a house and baby of our own we might get it together.’

‘What are you going to do?’

Maggie got up and picked up one of her new dresses, and held it against her. ‘I don’t know. Do you think I can take these new clothes with me?’

She looked at my untouched smoked salmon.

‘You’re not eating anything — you look ghastly.’

‘Thanks!’ I said.

‘It’s Ace, I suppose.’

‘What do you mean?’ I stammered, my mouth full of ashes.

‘All that bull about hating his guts. It stood out as plain as a spot on one’s nose that you were hooked on him.’

‘How?’ I said.

‘You never addressed a civil word to him, and the way you were always going on about him not being attractive. It’s like saying grass is red.’

‘Anyway,’ I said wearily, ‘it doesn’t matter what I feel. He’s going to marry Berenice.’

‘Of course he won’t,’ said Maggie scornfully, ‘Jack reckons Ace is hooked on you too. All that little Hitler behaviour when you were ill, and that’s why he was so stroppy when Berenice turned up and put a spoke in the wheel. I mean, he couldn’t just throw her out the moment she arrived. They had been living together in New York. Oh look, you’ve spilt your drink all over the carpet.’ She mopped it up with one of Pendle’s silk cushions.

‘Do you really think he won’t marry her?’

‘Not in a million years. Do you really think Jack was missing me?’

During the afternoon, my elation subsided. If Ace had been keen on me, he would have contacted me by now. I felt completely exhausted when I got back to the flat.

Jane was eating bread and jam with one hand and trying to put in heated rollers with the other.

‘Where are you going?’ I asked.

‘Out with Rodney,’ she said.

‘Again?’ I said in disgust.

‘We’ve decided what’s the matter with you,’ she said. ‘You’re suffering from the Dr Kildare syndrome.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Well, you know women always fall in love with their gynaecologists, and their doctor. It’s the same with you. Ace looked after you when you were ill so you see him as your doctor. You’ll find you get over him very quickly.’

‘Very clever!’ I snapped.

‘And, by the way, Pendle’s on his way round.’

‘That’s all I need,’ I groaned. ‘I only hope Maggie hasn’t left him already. What on earth can he want? Have we got any drink?’

‘Only some cooking sherry.’

‘I’ll pop round to the off-licence and get some,’ I said.

‘I’d forgotten what a marvellously sexy voice he’s got,’ said Jane.

I caught a glance of myself in the off-licence mirror. I looked ghastly — like an Oxfam advertisement. I wondered dolefully if I’d ever be pretty again. I walked home past the pet shop, listlessly looking at the notices on the door: ‘Please remove your crash helmet before entering, it frightens the parrot.’ ‘Due to bereavement will someone provide a home for Fluff, a black and white Tom? Fluff is lovable and clean’. Oh dear, due to bereavement will someone provide a home for Prudence, quite clean but not very lovable? If I don’t tread on any of the lines on the way home, I said to myself, I’ll get over Ace. And off I went, taking longer and longer strides and then a string of little ones. Then I spoilt it all by bumping into a lamp post and treading on three lines at once. I let myself into the flat.

‘Hullo’ I shouted. Jane came into the hall, making an agonized face, and pointed at the drawing-room door.

Steeling myself, I went in. I felt the blood drain out of me. I clutched the table for support. Standing with his back to the fire, like a great mountain, was Ace.

‘What on earth are you doing here?’ I stammered. ‘Jane said Pendle was coming round.’

‘She got the wrong Mulholland,’ he said. ‘We sound the same on the telephone.’ He looked desperately tired and there were huge black rings under his eyes.

‘I’ve missed you,’ he said, and if it hadn’t been Ace, and he hadn’t been suntanned, I could have sworn he was blushing. ‘I’ve missed you like hell.’

He held out his arms and I went straight into them. I thought he would kiss all the life out of me.

Then he said, ‘Why the bloody hell did you run off like that?’ which sounded more like the old Ace.

‘How did you find me?’ I said.

‘A damned dance you’ve led me with that cock-and-bull story about your mother being ill. After hunting through every telephone directory the Post Office had to offer, I finally found your parents’ number. Your mother must have thought I was mad when I said I was sorry she was sick. However, we had an illuminating little chat. She said she hadn’t heard from you for ages, but she’d gathered from your flatmate that you were staying with some “very odd” people in the North of England.’

I scuffed the carpet with my foot.

‘I thought you were going to marry Berenice,’ I said.

‘What on earth gave you that idea?’

‘Berenice did.’

‘She would,’ said Ace. ‘She doesn’t think so now. She’s not very pleased with you either, wantonly emptying breakfast food over her newly washed hair. Think of all the starving health-food freaks in Russia.’

I hung my head. Then I saw that he was laughing. ‘But I saw Maggie today,’ I said quickly, ‘and she said you weren’t going to marry her.’