Jilly Cooper - Prudence

‘Look how they’re all over her, Jack, Berenice, Copeland, Rose, even Ace I expect when he gets back. They’re so fickle.’

‘They want to make things easier for Lucasta,’ I said. ‘And I expect Jack feels guilty because he left her for you, and he wants to make things up to her, not to go back at all, just to say he’s sorry.’

‘I hate them; I hate them both,’ sobbed Maggie.

More screams downstairs, and a volley of loud explosions. ‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ I said.

Damian and Midas were standing on the stairs. They had found a packet of cigarettes, and had lit up and were systematically bursting balloons.

‘Stop it,’ I screamed. They took no notice. They really ought to join some paramilitary operation like the Scouts.

More dads arrived in second cars to collect children and mums who were not sober enough to drive, and they all stayed for the party, and had to be got drinks as well.

Lucasta was sitting on Jack’s knee now, playing with Fay’s charm bracelet. They all looked so happy. Jesus, I thought, what a bloody lot of unhappiness divorce makes.

Professor Copeland and Berenice were still having a great rap. ‘I found I couldn’t write about it,’ she was saying. ‘My life with Aaron was too painful to be transformed into enduring art.’

‘Don’t pull Antonia Fraser’s tail like that, Damian,’ said Delphinium. ‘Physical violence is not the answer.’

‘Perhaps I will have a drink after all,’ said the conjuror.

Somewhere in the distance I heard the back door slam. It was seven o’clock now. I was worried about Ace. The roads must be like glass.

‘When we give a children’s party,’ said Berenice, ‘we just write the scenario as we go along.’

In the hall, Damian and Midas were writing their own scenario in red lipstick all over the walls.

‘Stop it!’ I screamed at them. ‘Stop it, you little monsters!’

Once again neither of them took any notice. Then Damian raised two fingers at me.

The next moment Jason came out of the kitchen brandishing a kitchen knife.

‘No,’ I shrieked.

A key turned in the door and Ace walked in. Oh the blissful, blissful relief to see him.

‘Oh, thank God you’ve come,’ I said.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘They are.’ I pointed to Damian and Midas, and Jason who was now deciding which to carve up.

Ace was across the room in a flash.

‘Stop it,’ he said firmly, removing Jason’s knife, and picking both Damian and Midas up by the scruff of the neck, ‘or I’ll bash all your heads together. There’s a television in the study. Go and watch it.’

To my amazement they went quietly.

‘What else is the matter?’

‘The conjuror’s in hysterics. He couldn’t handle the children, and no one’s got enough money to pay him, so he’s joined the party and started drinking, and he doesn’t drink.’

‘Go and get him,’ said Ace, getting a wad of tenners out of his notecase.

‘What else?’ he said, after the conjuror had been dispatched into the night.

‘Fay’s here,’ I said miserably. ‘Rose is all over her, and Jack’s flirting like mad with her.’

‘And Maggie?’ he said swiftly. He always got the point at once.

‘She’s in absolute floods upstairs.’

He went towards the stairs. ‘I’ll go up and talk to her. Be an angel and mix me a very stiff whisky.’

‘Was it all right today?’ I said. ‘Not too awful?’

He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Pretty bloody, but at least it’s done.’

I went into the drawing-room to get the whisky. The party showed no signs of abating at all.

‘Where’s Ivan?’ said Berenice. ‘He should be back by now.’

‘He’s back,’ I said. ‘He’s upstairs with Maggie.’

Berenice’s eyes narrowed till they seemed one black slit across her face.

‘She’s upset,’ I explained.

‘Whatever for?’

‘She’s unhappy because Fay’s here.’

‘She’s so old-fashioned,’ said Berenice scornfully. ‘Everyone’s loose about exes these days; it’s healthy; you’ve got to stay loose. I can’t understand jealousy, it’s something I’ve never suffered from.’

‘Oh I’m sure you’re above that sort of thing,’ I snapped.

I put some ice in the whisky and shot out of the room.

I met Ace coming down the stairs; he looked very bleak; he was holding a letter.

‘What’s the matter?’ I said.

‘Maggie’s walked out.’

‘To Pendle?’ I whispered.

‘So she says in this note to Jack.’ He put his hand on my arm. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Oh God, how awful. But she can’t have got far; she was here twenty minutes ago.’

He opened the front door and looked out — snow was eddying and whirling and a shower of hard tiny frozen flakes swept inside.

‘Jack’s car’s gone. She must have taken it. Must be trying for the 7.45. She could kill herself on these roads.’

Suddenly he looked ashen beneath his suntan. He must be remembering Elizabeth driving too fast on icy roads in her excitement to meet him at the airport. He took the whisky from me and drained it in one gulp.

‘I’m going to see if I can stop her. Don’t say anything until I’ve got back — say I’ve gone to get some cigarettes.’

He was back in three-quarters of an hour.

‘I just missed her. She left the car parked across the road — as a final gesture of defiance, I suppose. I’d better go and break up the party.’

We went into the drawing-room.

‘Ivan, sweetest.’ Berenice extracted herself from Professor Copeland and a ring of fathers and, crossing the room, put her arms round Ace’s neck and kissed him tenderly. ‘Where have you been?’

The nannies perked up and pulled down their sweaters, the mothers patted their hair. Even pale and travel-worn, Ace was still a knockout. I wondered why I hadn’t noticed it when I first met him.

He went over and kissed Fay who was still thigh to thigh with Jack on the sofa.

‘Hullo, my love, you’re looking very beautiful,’ he said. ‘I’m glad about the play.’

Her eyes lit up. ‘Goodness, it’s lovely to see you. How was America? Very successful obviously. I’m so pleased about you and Berenice.’ She lowered her voice. ‘I meant to write about Elizabeth, but I wasn’t very together at the time.’

It must have been just after Jack left her. Perhaps, now Maggie had gone, they might get together again.

Ace, however, had other ideas.

‘I thought you might like a lift home.’

‘She’s staying for supper,’ said Jack quickly.

‘Anyway, the party’s not over,’ cried Rose.

‘It’d be better if she came another day,’ said Ace firmly. ‘Lucasta’s tired. And it’s high time these children went home.’

Over by the window Damian and Midas were systematically cramming a plate of meringues down Jason’s velvet suit.

Somehow Ace managed to empty the room in ten minutes. I went upstairs with Fay and helped pack Lucasta’s things and gather up her presents.

‘I’ve got a tummy egg,’ wailed Lucasta.

‘You’ve been eating too many sweets,’ said Fay.

As we went downstairs Jack was saying angrily to Ace, ‘What the bloody hell’s going on? Why can’t Fay stay for supper? We can’t throw her out on a night like this.’

Ace got Maggie’s letter out of his pocket. ‘I think you’d better read this,’ he said grimly.

As he and Jack went into the drawing-room, he turned to me: ‘Can you say goodbye to Fay and Lucasta for us?’

Outside Lucasta hugged me tightly.

‘Can I come and stay with you in London? Will you take me to see the knife guards at Buckingham Palace?’

‘Of course I will,’ I said, clinging to her. I couldn’t bear to let her go.