Jilly Cooper: Score!

To Ann Mills,

dearest of friends,

with love and gratitude.

J

AMES

B

ENSON

A very smooth, extremely expensive private doctor.

B

ETTY

One of Rannaldini’s pretty maids.

T

EDDY

B

RIMSCOMBE

Rannaldini’s head gardener, renowned for his green fingers and wandering hands.

M

RS

B

RIMSCOMBE

Rannaldini’s long-suffering housekeeper.

M

R

B

ROWN

An Australian racehorse owner.

M

ISS

B

USSAGE

Rannaldini’s PA — a gorgon.

R

UPERT

C

AMPBELL

— B

LACK

Multi-millionaire owner/trainer, ex-Olympic show jumper and Minister for Sport. Director of Venturer Television. Still Mecca for most women.

T

AGGIE

C

AMPBELL

— B

LACK

His adored second wife — an angel.

M

ARCUS

C

AMPBELL

— B

LACK

Rupert’s son by his first marriage, recent winner of the Appleton International piano competition.

T

ABITHA

C

AMPBELL

— B

LACK

Mistress of the Horse for

Don Carlos

Rupert’s estranged daughter from his rider.

X

AVIER

C

AMPBELL

— B

LACK

Rupert and Taggie’s adopted Colombian son.

B

IANCA

C

AMPBELL

— B

LACK

Rupert and Taggie’s adopted Colombian daughter.

E

DDIE

C

AMPBELL

— B

LACK

Rupert’s father, five times married and raring to go. A sexual buccaneer of the old school.

B

RUCE

C

ASSIDY

Belegauered press officer for

Don Carlos

Inevitably nicknamed ‘Hype-along’.

C

HLOE

C

ATFORD

Mellifluous mezzo soprano, and compilation queen. Sings Princess Eboli in

Don Carlos

Significant Other Woman in several marriages.

G

IUSEPPE

C

AVALLI

Capricious Italian bass, the ghost of the Emperor Charles V in

Don Carlos

The inamorato of Granville Hastings, he sings like an angel and drinks like a fish.

L

ADY

C

HISLEDON

A pillar of Paradise.

C

LIVE

Rannaldini’s sinister leatherclad henchman.

M

ISS

C

RICKLADE

Paradise village busybody.

H

OWIE

D

ENSTON

Artist’s agent and ghastly creep who runs London office of Shepherd Denston, toughest music agents in New York.

D

IZZY

Rupert Campbell-Black’s comely head groom.

D

ETECTIVE

S

ERGEANT

K

EVIN

F

ANSHAWE

Rutminster CID smoothie and new-style catcher of villains.

F

LORENCE

Hortense de Montigny’s ancient retainer.

C

HRISTY

F

OXE

Indefatigable PA during recording of

Don Carlos

.

D

ETECTIVE

S

ERGEANT

T

IMOTHY

G

ABLECROSS

Old-style catcher of villains.

B

ERNARD

G

UÉRIN

Battle-scarred veteran. First assistant director,

Don Carlos

, Tristan de Montigny’s

droit-

hand man, who acts as sergeant major keeping order on the set.

D

AME

H

ERMIONE

H

AREFIELD

World-famous diva and Rannaldini’s mistress. Seriously tiresome, brings out Crippen in all.

B

OB

H

AREFIELD

Her charming, mostly absentee husband, longterm lover of Meredith Whalen.

L

ITTLE

C

OSMO

H

AREFIELD

Hermione’s fiendish nine-year-old son. Could give lessons to Damien in

The Omen

.

E

ULALIA

H

ARRISON

A frumpy feature writer.

G

RANVILLE

‘G

RANNY

’ H

ASTINGS

English bass, singing the Grand Inquisitor in

Don Carlos

Outwardly cosy old pussy-cat.

L

YSANDER

H

AWKLEY

Formerly a man who made husbands jealous, now happily married to Rannaldini’s third wife Kitty. Rupert Campbell-Black’s assistant.

T

HE

R

EV

P

ERCIVAL

H

ILLARY

A portly parson, who confines his pastoral visits to drinks time.

G

EORGE

H

UNGERFORD

An extremely successful property developer, chief executive of Rutminster Symphony Orchestra. Live-in lover of Flora Seymour.

J

ANICE

Rannaldini’s head groom.

J

ESSICA

Ravishing production secretary,

Don Carlos

.

B

EATTIE

J

OHNSON

A seductive, totally unprincipled journalist.

S

EXTON

K

EMP

An extremely fly East End film producer. Chief Executive of Liberty Productions, who are making

Don Carlos

.

L

UCY

L

ATIMER

Make-up artist on

Don Carlos

Still centre and agony aunt to entire cast and crew.

C

LAUDINE

L

AUZERTE

Actress and Gallic goddess, married to a French government minister.

D

ETECTIVE

C

ONSTABLE

L

IGHTFOOT

Eager young constable, traumatized by steamy stint at the 1991 Valhalla orgy.

I

SA

L

OVELL

A brilliant, obsessive jump jockey. A Heathcliff of the gallops.

J

AKE

L

OVELL

His father, ex-world show jumping champion. Now National Hunt trainer.

T

ORY

L

OVELL

Isa’s mother and Jake’s wife — loving and super-efficient, a hard act for a daughter-in-law to follow.

M

ARIA

An ace cook.

D

ETECTIVE

C

ONSTABLE

D

EBBIE

M

ILLER

A pulchritudinous policewoman.

C

OLIN

M

ILTON

Once-great tenor now playing Count Lerma, the Spanish ambassador in

Don Carlos

Old sweetie, eminently bullyable.

É

TIENNE DE

M

ONTIGNY

France’s greatest painter and national hero.

A

LEXANDRE DE

M

ONTIGNY

Étienne’s pompous eldest son, a judge.

H

ORTENSE DE

M

ONTIGNY

Étienne’s sister — a blue-blooded battle-axe.

S

IMONE DE

M

ONTIGNY

Étienne’s granddaughter and Alexandre’s daughter. In charge of continuity,

Don Carlos

.

T

RISTAN DE

M

ONTIGNY

Étienne’s youngest son and Rannaldini’s godson. Director,

Don Carlos

.

D

ETECTIVE

C

ONSTABLE

K

AREN

N

EEDHAM

The belle of the Bill.

O

GBORNE

Chief grip,

Don Carlos

.

L

ORD

(D

ECLAN

) O’H

ARA OF

P

ENSCOMBE

Recently ennobled television megastar, managing director of Venturer Television and Rupert Campbell-Black’s father-in-law.

V

IKING

O’N

EILL

Golden boy and first horn of Rutminster Symphony Orchestra.

O

SCAR

Deceptively indolent director of photography,

Don Carlos

.

F

RANCO

P

ALMIERI

Vast and vastly famous Italian tenor, playing the title role in

Don Carlos

.

M

IKHAIL

P

EZCHEROV

Lovable but rather base baritone, playing the Marquis of Posa in

Don Carlos

L

ARA

P

EZCHEROV

Mikhail’s adored wife.

D

ETECTIVE

C

HIEF

I

NSPECTOR

G

ERALD

P

ORTLAND