Jilly Cooper - Prudence

‘She soon will have if you don’t stop bullying her,’ said Jack. ‘Did the Sunday Times like your piece?’

‘And you can shut up too,’ snapped Ace. ‘Of all the fucking irresponsible behaviour.’

Fortunately at that moment a diversion was caused by the wastepaper basket bursting merrily into flames.

‘Quick,’ said Ace. ‘Throw your coat over it.’

‘Why not your coat?’ protested Jack. ‘Mine’s just come back from the cleaners.’

I started to giggle. Ace grabbed the water jug beside the bed, and emptied it into the wastepaper basket, which flickered and died.

With an effort he gained control of himself.

‘I’ve just been talking to Pendle,’ he said. ‘He’s got a case in Devon that’s going to carry over into next week, so he can’t make it this weekend. I told him you weren’t well enough to travel anyway, so he’s leaving it until next weekend.’

It was as though I’d been reprieved. I put it down to the fact I wasn’t feeling strong enough to face Pendle.

There was a knock on the door and in walked Maggie. She looked beautiful, but definitely fat. All that misery eating, I suppose. She was wearing a black velvet dress with a cross-laced bodice, but her bust had got so big, the laces were almost horizontal with strain. She was obviously dressed for a party, and had dropped in to show herself off.

‘What are you all talking about?’ she said.

‘Pendle,’ said Ace evenly. ‘He’s not coming up this weekend.’

‘What a shame,’ said Maggie lightly. (I had a feeling she already knew.) ‘How disappointing for you, Pru. Are you ready?’ she added turning to Jack.

‘What for?’ said Jack.

‘Felicity’s party.’

‘Christ. Didn’t know she was having a party.’

‘I told you twice this morning, but you were so engrossed in your hangover. Are you coming, Ace?’

‘No,’ said Ace, picking up the empty water jug and going towards the door.

‘Oh, do you need a break after all that sick-bed attendance? Felicity’ll be frightfully disappointed. I’m sure she’s got half Westmorland coming, boasting you’ll be there.’

‘She’ll have to lump it. I never gave her a definite “yes”.’ He was still extremely tightlipped.

‘Oh well,’ said Jack, putting on his jacket and draining the remains of his whisky, ‘one may as well get drunk at someone else’s expense, rather than one’s own.’

The front door bell rang.

‘Who the hell’s that?’ said Maggie.

‘Probably Vatman,’ said Jack.

There were sounds of commotion downstairs. Then we heard feet pounding up the stairs, and a child’s voice saying, ‘Daddy, where are you?’

‘ Jes-us ,’ said Jack, ‘It’s Lucasta, I completely forgot she was coming.’

‘Oh God, so did I,’ said Maggie in carefully simulated horror.

No you didn’t, I thought to myself. One never forgets things one’s dreading — like the dentist.

The door burst open, and framed in the doorway, wearing a blond fur coat and jeans, was the most ravishing child. For a moment she stood looking at us — making her entrance — the image of Rose forty years ago. Then she shouted ‘Daddy!’ and threw herself into Jack’s arms. There was no question of their delight at seeing each other.

‘I’m going to be king in the Christmas play, because I’m tall,’ she screamed. ‘Jason White’s going to be Gold, I’m Myrrh, and Damion’s going to be Frankenstein.’

Only Maggie didn’t join in the laughter.

‘And I’ve got a wobbly tooth,’ she went on, opening her mouth and wiggling it for Jack’s benefit.

‘If you leave it under your pillow, the fairies might bring you 10p,’ said Jack.

‘The fairies left Jason White 50p last week. You can’t get anything decent with 10p,’ said Lucasta, wriggling down off Jack’s knee.

‘Hullo Lucasta,’ said Ace. ‘D’you remember me?’

‘Of course I do,’ said Lucasta, holding up her face to be kissed. ‘You used to tell me bedtime stories, without a book. Mummy said you might be here. Did you have a nice time in America? Did you meet Six Million Dollar Woman? D’you know what knocks down little old ladies and pinches their bread?’

‘No,’ said Ace.

‘Bionic Pigeon,’ said Lucasta. ‘Did you bring me a present?’

‘Lucasta,’ said Jack in mock horror. ‘You’re getting even more avaricious than your mother.’

‘She said I was to remind you about the school fees. Oh, look at that kitten. Isn’t it sweet?’

McGonagall was licking off the whisky and making terrible faces.

‘Aren’t you going to say hullo to Maggie?’ said Jack.

Suddenly all expression was wiped off Lucasta’s face. ‘Hullo,’ she said tonelessly, then turning to Jack, ‘Why’s she wearing a party dress? Are you going out?’

‘Of course not,’ said Jack, ignoring Maggie’s furious signals. ‘Not on your first night. Maggie’s wearing a party dress to welcome you. You haven’t met Pru either.’

‘How do you do,’ said Lucasta, sizing me up watchfully. She plainly didn’t believe in giving herself too easily. ‘Where’s Granny?’

‘Out I think,’ said Jack.

‘Is she still going out with James Copeland?’ said Lucasta. ‘Or has she got a new boyfriend? Mummy says she’s a sexy maniac.’

‘Your mother’s biased,’ said Jack. ‘Come on, let’s go downstairs and find you a Coke, or would you like something stronger?’

‘I’d like a highball.’

Jack roared with laughter. Maggie looked like a thundercloud.

Feeling absolutely played out, I lay back on the pillows, and caught Ace watching me. I gave him a beseeching look of apology. For a second he glared at me, then he grinned, his harsh face suddenly illuminated.

‘Come on, everybody out,’ he said, ‘Pru’s had enough excitement for one evening.’

‘See you tomorrow,’ said Lucasta, going towards the door, and adding to Jack, ‘If you let me stay up and watch Bride of Dracula, I don’t mind if you go to that party.’

Next morning Ace went into Carlisle leaving strict instructions that I was to be left alone. The moment he left the house, one member of the family after another trooped in to see me.

Maggie was first, bitching about Lucasta.

‘Isn’t she a monster? Wouldn’t you like to boil her in oil? And do you know what her bloody mother did? Sent me a list of all the clothes she’d put in Lucasta’s suitcase, with a letter asking me to tick them off when Lucasta goes home, “because on the pathetic maintenance Jack pays me, I simply can’t afford to buy her any more clothes at the moment”. The bitch. Alimony is the root of all evil, I suppose.’

Her obsessive rattle against both Lucasta and Fay went on and on and on. You’re far more in hate with them than in love with Jack, I thought.

‘How’s Rose?’ I said, trying to distract her.

‘Well, she’s promised Ace she won’t have Professor Copeland in the house anymore. He doesn’t approve of her stealing Linn’s boyfriend. Probably having him in someone else’s house.’

At that moment Rose appeared in the doorway, buckling under carrier bags.

‘What have you got there?’ asked Maggie.

‘Oh a few little things, tights and so on,’ replied Rose airily. ‘I’ve got to have something new with all the Christmas parties coming up. Actually I bought them yesterday, and hid them in the potting shed. Couldn’t wait for Ace to go out so I could smuggle them in. I must say I shall never forgive him for being so beastly to poor James, and so rude to me too. I mean, I am his mother.’

‘Step-mother,’ said Maggie bitterly. ‘It makes a difference. I shudder to think what life would be like if I was ever dependent on Lucasta.’