Jilly Cooper - Prudence

For at least a quarter of an hour Jack had a very leisurely gossip about the family, Copeland, the Admiral, and Pendle having been up for the weekend. I didn’t dare look at Maggie. Jack must be still tight, or he’d never have made such a meal of it.

I glanced round. He was lounging on the hall chair, his feet up on a table, smiling into the telephone, utterly relaxed.

‘When do you want Lucasta back?’ he asked eventually.

There was a long pause. Maggie unseeingly shoved a bit of Steed’s umbrella into the sky.

‘But that’s marvellous,’ Jack went on enthusiastically. ‘That’s a real break. I’m so pleased for you, darling. Until Thursday? Of course we can. No problem. No don’t worry about that; we’ll have her birthday party here. We’ve had enough practice for Christ’s sake. You can’t possibly organize it if you’re working. Maggie’s got nothing to do.’ Maggie clenched a pile of sky up in her fist. ‘And Ace is here, and Pendle’s girlfriend Pru. She’s been ill, but Lucasta adores her and she’ll be on her feet by then, so there’s only my dear Mother to rot things up… You’ve booked a conjuror? Well tell him to come here instead, we’ll pay the petrol… Of course we will, it’ll be fun, don’t worry about a thing. If you get away early on Thursday, come to the party. I know Ace’d love to see you… OK then and good luck, darling.’

Maggie got up and poured herself a drink. Her hand was shaking so much she spilt most of it. Her green eyes blazed. She looked like the Queen in Snow White, and as quite as capable of cutting out Lucasta’s heart.

Jack wandered into the room, looking pleased with himself.

‘Well, well, well,’ he said.

It was extremely unwell. I wanted to hide under the sofa.

‘I suppose you want a drink,’ said Maggie softly.

‘You read me like a book,’ said Jack. ‘Rather a bad one admittedly.’

He was still tight.

‘That was Fay,’ he went on. ‘She’s got a small film part at the beginning of next week.’

‘Playing the back of the pantomime horse, I suppose,’ said Maggie.

‘So I said we’d keep Lucasta here.’

‘For how long?’ These words were dropped like pebbles into a deep, deep pool.

‘Until Thursday night. It doesn’t matter if she misses school.’

‘And who’s going to look after her?’ said Maggie.

Jack filled his glass. ‘Why you are, darling. It’ll do both you and Lucasta good to have some time together with me out of the way.’

‘I’ve got things to do. Tomorrow, Tuesday and Thursday.’

‘Well you’ll have to cancel them and think of someone else for a change,’ said Jack sharply, picking up the sports page. ‘Oh sod it, United lost again.’

‘I should have expected it of Fay,’ said Maggie belligerently. ‘Trust her not to give anyone any warning.’

‘She’s only just heard about the part,’ protested Jack.

‘Oh, very likely on a Sunday afternoon! She’s just bloody inconsiderate.’

Jack went on reading the paper. ‘What have you got against her? She’s never done you any harm.’

‘Oh yes she has,’ hissed Maggie. ‘She divorced you. If she hadn’t, I’d never be saddled with you now.’

Still Jack didn’t look up.

‘There’s an extraordinary story here,’ he said to me, ‘about a woman who’s trying to get a crossing for toads on the Preston Motorway.’

‘Don’t bug me,’ screamed Maggie. ‘It’s a pity you’re not married to her if you think she’s so wonderful.’

‘I wish I was,’ said Jack quietly.

‘Oh no,’ I said. ‘Don’t say that, please don’t. You’re both pissed. You’ll regret it later.’

‘You keep out of it,’ yelled Maggie. ‘ You haven’t been behaving like a vestal virgin since you came up here.’

Then the explosion came. Jack threw down the paper and got to his feet. ‘You spoilt little bitch,’ he said softly. ‘You’ve never done a bloody stroke in your life. You’re lousy at housework, you can’t hold down a job, you can’t organize the builders, or even remember to pick up a suit from the cleaners. The only thing you show any talent for at all is writing cheques, and bitching about my first wife. But you’re so bloody jealous of her you can’t even be civil to my child.’

‘Your child is a monster,’ howled Maggie.

‘Leave her out of it.’

‘How can I? You asked her to stay on.’

‘It never enters your thick head, I suppose, that if Fay gets work I won’t have to work so bloody hard to keep her in alimony. But you wouldn’t think of that, would you? You’re so wrapped up in yourself, you never give a fuck what I do.’

‘And I suppose old Fairy Fay did.’

‘Yes, she did. She loved me.’

Maggie was very white around the mouth.

‘Why did you leave her then?’ she screamed.

‘Christ knows,’ said Jack.

‘I’ll tell you why. Because you were bored to death with her and she was no good in bed.’

‘She was a bloody sight better than you, if you want to know.’

Maggie gave a little gasp.

I put my head in my hands.

‘At least she didn’t just lie back and think of Pendle,’ said Jack viciously.

There are things that couples should only say to each other in bedrooms, when they get a sort of sexual kick out of seeing who can hurl the worst insults, knowing the battle will end up in bed.

‘Stop it,’ I screamed, ‘Stop it.’

Jack took no notice.

‘Just for four days out of your useless life,’ he went on, ‘you’ve got the opportunity to do something useful, to create some kind of relationship with Lucasta and you reject it.’

‘And if I’m lucky,’ hissed Maggie, ‘I get a conjuror to help me on Thursday. What’s all that about? You bastard. So that old bag was better in bed than me was she? And I have to act as Nanny to her flaming child. Well I won’t do it.’

‘I’ll be here,’ I said miserably, ‘I’ll look after her.’

‘Oh darling,’ said Maggie, turning her fury on me. ‘Ace wouldn’t hear of that. We can’t have his precious patient having the tiniest set back.’

‘Oh shut up,’ I shouted.

The door opened and in came Lucasta.

‘Daddy, my tooth’s come out, so that’s 50p from the fairies, and we lost the kite up a tree. Ace is still trying to get it down.’

‘Jesus,’ said Jack. ‘We’re now welcoming world listeners.’

I fled upstairs, trembling. I couldn’t bear it. Maggie had said awful things, but Jack had bugged her by that deliberately provocative telephone conversation, and afterwards he’d said far worse things than she had. Matters may have come to a head too. But I could see that their relationship was like a hydra. In a few hours it would have grown a dozen more heads.

I did my teeth and collapsed into bed. Oh the blissful welcome of cool, plumped pillows and smooth, turned-down sheets. The fire had been banked up, the water jug filled, and a new spray of winter jasmin put in the blue vase. All my mess of apple cores, books, tissues and sweet papers had been tidied up. Immediately McGonagall landed in the middle of my stomach, all four paws sticking out, tail going straight up in the air. Next moment he dived under the eiderdown, bicycling furiously against my toes.

I lay back on the pillows, still shaking.

The door opened and Coleridge wandered in, followed by Ace.

‘Good girl.’ He walked round the bed examining me as though I was a building site. ‘You didn’t stay up too long? How do you feel?’

‘Fine,’ I said brightly.

‘Liar.’ He put a hand on my forehead, ‘What happened?’

‘Maggie and Jack had a bit of a row.’

‘They were boiling up for it. Might clear the air. What was it about?’