Jilly Cooper - Prudence

Ace and Pendle sat on either side of me opposite Jack and Maggie. I found it sinister the way Maggie and Pendle avoided talking to each other.

Jack kept ordering more wine.

‘I’d adore to have snails,’ I said.

‘Well, I will too,’ said Jack. ‘Garlic’s all right if you both do. What a frightful party,’ he went on, unfolding his napkin.

‘I didn’t notice you making major in-roads into it,’ snapped Ace.

‘Oh, I had a nice time,’ said Jack, winking at me. ‘But I was worried about the rest of you.’

Soon they were all tearing the party to shreds.

‘The daughter of the house was noticeably taken by you, my dear,’ said Jack, grinning at Ace, ‘Nice to see you haven’t lost your touch.’

I had suddenly developed a fearful sore throat, and found I couldn’t eat very much after all. The cold night air knocked me for six when we came out of the hotel. As I wandered towards Pendle’s car, desperately trying to walk straight, I was grabbed by the arm.

‘You’re coming with me,’ said Ace.

‘I’m going with Pendle and Jack.’

But before I could argue, he opened the car door. ‘Get in!’ he said coldly. One didn’t argue when he used that tone. I lowered the window, however, and as Jack and Pendle came out of the hotel I shouted, ‘Help! I’m being kidnapped.’

‘I’m running Pru home,’ said Ace. ‘You two take Maggie.’

‘Oh, she was coming with us,’ said Jack. ‘Cradle-snatcher!’ he shouted as we drove off.

My giggle faded away lamely. I reached in my bag for a cigarette. The packet was empty. ‘Hell’ I said angrily.

‘You smoke too much,’ said Ace. ‘Do up your seat belt.’

‘I don’t fancy them. I don’t like being trapped in cars with strange men.’

‘Do it up !’

Bloody Hitler — but he was bigger than me. Sulkily I tried to shove the seat belt into place. In the end he had to do it for me. I cringed back against the seat so no part of me would touch him.

After a couple of miles, he turned off the road down a cart-track stopping at the edge of the lake. Then he lit a cigarette but didn’t offer me one. Out of the corner of my eye I studied his forbidding profile. Perhaps the sight of me naked in the loo had been too much for him, and he was going to run true to Mulholland form and make a pass at me. More likely he was thinking about Elizabeth and that car crash. That must have been why he’d made me wear a seat belt. Suddenly, I felt sorry for him.

‘What a heavenly moon.’

‘I didn’t come here to discuss the moon,’ he said. ‘I want you to lay off my brother.’

I gaped at him. ‘Which one?’

‘You know perfectly well which one,’ he said harshly. ‘Jack’s married — leave him alone.’

‘He doesn’t behave as though he is,’ I snapped.

‘Of course he doesn’t, with you egging him on.’

‘Me!’ I said in amazement. ‘ Me egging him on!’

‘Yes, you. Clinging to him like ivy when I arrived last night, snuggling up to him at the stables, wearing that monstrous dress this evening, and pretending you were scared every time the smallest firework went off.’

‘I don’t like bangs!’ I said, my voice rising.

‘I thought you came here with Pendle.’

That went home. ‘So did I,’ I said.

‘You probably know Maggie was Pen’s girlfriend before Jack ran off with her. How do you think he feels now? The first time he brings someone else up here, Jack just snaps his fingers and she comes running.’

I wanted to scream at him — to tell him that Pendle hadn’t taken any notice of me since we arrived, that he hadn’t seen the way Pendle devoured Maggie with his eyes whenever he thought no one was looking. But some peculiar loyalty to Pendle — or was it reluctance to utter out loud what I dreaded? — kept me from saying anything.

‘Look,’ I said, ‘I’m not after your precious brother. He kissed me the other night only because I was there.’

‘It makes no difference, I suppose, that he’s married? You can behave like that with anyone else you like, but not with Jack! Now are you going to leave him alone?’

‘I might and I mightn’t.’

Ace exploded. ‘You bloody well will!’ he said.

I lost my temper. ‘You don’t understand anything!’ I screamed. ‘You go about like God Almighty on speech day, like a flaming spare prig at a wedding, ordering everyone around just because, to your eyes, they’re behaving badly. You never stop to think why they’re behaving like that.’

‘Cut it out,’ he said sharply. ‘You’re behaving like a child.’

‘This time tomorrow,’ I said, my voice shaking, ‘I shall have left this beastly place and you’ll never be bothered with me again!’

He backed the car out and drove down the road. I was trembling all over, but I was too proud to ask him for a cigarette. When we got home I fled upstairs and buried my face in my pillow and cried and cried. Much later someone knocked on my door — and waited — and then knocked again, but I didn’t answer.

I was overcome with dizziness when I got out of bed the next morning. I’m going into a decline, I told myself. I dressed and put on a lot of rouge and a huge pair of dark glasses. I found Maggie reading the Sunday papers, still wearing Copeland’s hat.

‘Hullo,’ she said, her eyes avid with curiosity. ‘We were worried about you. What on earth did you and Ace get up to?’

‘Nothing,’ I said quickly. ‘I suddenly got a terrible headache.’

‘I don’t know what’s the matter with Ace,’ she said. ‘He’s so sour this morning you could make yoghurt out of him. He’s got Rose in the drawing-room going through the bills. I wish I was a fly on the wall.’

‘Poor Rose,’ I said. ‘He does jackboot around, doesn’t he?’

‘Don’t blame him really,’ said Maggie. ‘Rose hasn’t paid a bill since he left, not to mention selling the Romney. Then there’s the couple of grand here, and the couple of grand there she’s touched him for to do up the kitchen, and the roof and the drawing-room. And you can see how much “doing up” there’s been.’

She picked up a colour supplement and began to flip through it.

‘And what about your new house?’ I said.

‘Oh Jack’s paid for most of that, although Rose pretends she has. I wish I could work up some enthusiasm about it.’

She went over to the window. ‘Jack and Pendle’ve taken the boat out. I think I might ride this afternoon. Jack’s got to work.’

Next moment Rose came out of the study, looking red-eyed. ‘Tell Mrs Braddock I don’t want any lunch,’ she said faintly, and ran upstairs.

A minute later we heard the telephone click.

‘Straight on to Copeland,’ said Maggie. ‘A thin lot of good he’ll be to her.’

But in ten minutes we saw Rose flash past the door in dark glasses and a huge blond fur coat. The front door slammed and there was a scrunch on the gravel as the car drove off.

Lunch was a nightmare — I kept going into a cold sweat and I couldn’t eat a thing. Fortunately they were all arguing too heatedly to notice me.

After much bickering, Pendle was persuaded to go riding.

‘What about Pru?’ said Maggie.

‘There aren’t enough horses,’ I said quickly.

‘She’s so light she can ride one of the ponies,’ said Ace.

‘She’d be happier curled up in front of the fire helping me write this damned report,’ said Jack.

Ace’s eyes were boring into me.

‘I’d like to ride,’ I said firmly.

‘I think you’ll find this one easier than the one you had yesterday,’ said Ace later, as he gave me a leg up.

He reached forward and took off my dark glasses. ‘Don’t ride in those,’ he said, putting them in his pocket. ‘It’s dangerous if you fall off.’ He looked at me closer. ‘You look terrible. Are you all right?’