Jon Athan - Am I Beautiful?

“Please, Amber. It’ll help me relax.”

Amber was afraid of encouraging him, but she didn’t want to argue with him, either. She was tired of the fighting, and she knew the arguments weren’t good for Riley. Their daughter’s health was her primary concern.

“Be quick,” she said. As she exited the room, she said, “I’ll be in the kitchen.”

Adam looked out his office windows. Rain pattered on the glass. Wind pushed the trees and bushes outside. Every light in his backyard was on, keeping the darkness of the night at bay. There was nothing unusual out there, but he had to be absolutely positive. He walked through the house and checked every lock on every door and every window. He examined the backyard and the street in front of his house from every angle.

It took him over fifteen minutes to check everything.

As he checked the locks on the front door a second time, he whispered, “We’re fine… we’re fine…”

Adam sat at the end of the dining table, staring vacantly at his plate of chicken Alfredo. His bloodshot, puffy eyes were surrounded by dark, wrinkled skin. His cheeks and forehead were flecked with acne. The stress—the anxiety, the fear, the guilt —took a toll on him.

Amber sat at the other end of the table, eating while feeding Riley. Like her husband, Amber was stressed and afraid. But she put a smile on her face for Riley’s sake. Adam appreciated her resolve just as much as he hated it. She was too good for him, and that fact amplified his guilt.

Adam’s stare wandered to the window over the sink. He mistook the pitter-patter of the rain for footsteps.

As he leaned forward to stand, Amber said, “Adam.” He looked at her. Amber asked, “How’s the food?”

Adam looked at the window, then back at her, then back at the window. He knew it was locked, but something inside of him told him to check again. He fought off the urge and sank back into his seat.

He scratched the nape of his neck and said, “I don’t have much of an appetite, but it smells and looks great.”

“You should try it. Riley sure loves it. Don’t you, Ry Ry?”

Riley giggled as she ate some chicken. Her chubby cheeks and tiny hands were smeared with Alfredo sauce. Adam’s lips curled in a little smile—the smile of a shy boy forced to socialize with his classmates. He inserted a forkful of pasta and chicken into his mouth, then he took a sip of his water. He stabbed the pasta again, spun the fork, then his attention drifted back to the window.

Rain or footsteps? —he thought.

Amber could see he was distracted, scared and antsy. She blamed the lockdown. Mandatory seclusion made people go stir-crazy.

She said, “I’m thinking about going to my mom’s house.”

“Huh?” Adam responded, still staring at the window.

“Adam, I think we seriously need some time apart.”

He turned his head slowly to pull his gaze back to Amber. He looked at his family. He heard her the second time, but the message didn’t click in his head.

“Huh?” he repeated.

Amber folded a napkin and dabbed the tears clinging to her eyelids. She continued smiling to try to fool her daughter into believing everything was fine. But parents and children lived vicariously through each other. They felt each other’s pain. Riley kept eating, but she was visibly confused by her mother’s smile and tearful eyes.

“I think we need a break,” Amber said. “Maybe we’ve been spending too much time together in here. Maybe we weren’t ready for something like this. I can go to my mom’s house with Riley and you… you can stay here or maybe you can call Dallas and stay with him. I’m sure he has an extra room you can use to quarantine.”

Adam asked, “What is this about?”

“Us. No… You . It’s about you, Adam. I don’t know what to do with you. It’s not that I want to leave, that I want to abandon you… that’s not it at all. I just don’t think I can help you and take care of Riley at the same time. It’s too much for me and it’s definitely too much for Riley. I don’t want her to see you like this. I want her to love you, not fear you. A–A–And…”

She stopped to sniffle and swallow loudly. She lowered her head to hide her tears from Riley. She wiped her eyes, then blew her nose. She was trying to stop herself from breaking down at the dinner table. Adam frowned as he watched his wife. He could see he was harming his family with his erratic, obsessive behavior. He was becoming their bogeyman.

Amber continued, “And I just don’t think you’ve been completely honest with me. When I talk to you, I feel like I’m talking to someone else. I feel like I’m talking to… to a liar.”

Adam said, “I’m sorry.”

Amber looked at him, surprised by his apology. It felt sincere. He sounded like himself again.

“I owe you an explanation,” Adam continued. “I can’t tell you everything right now, but… I’ve done a lot of bad things in the past. I’m not proud of myself. You say you feel like you’re talking to someone else when you speak to me. Well, to be honest, I don’t know myself most of the time, either. I’m not… psychotic or anything like that. I’m just in a bad place. But I hope you know that I love you. I love you and I love Riley, and I would never do anything to hurt you two. I’m really just trying to protect us, Amber. That’s the truth.”

“From what, Adam?”

A mouthful of water pushed the lump down Adam’s throat. He stared up at the ceiling and thought about confessing. The assault in Miki’s apartment flashed in his head.

He said, “I hurt someone… and I think they… want to hurt me.”

“You… What? You hurt someone? Whe–When? Who? ”

“It was years ago. I was… I didn’t… God, please, Amber, I’ll tell you everything later. Right now, I think it would be best if we all left this house—together. Let’s rent another home or a hotel room or go to your mother’s.”

“How could you even suggest something like that? You just said you hurt someone. And you think this has something to do with tha–that serial killer?”

“Amber, I can expla—”

The doorbell interrupted him.

Adam and Amber stared at the front door from over the kitchen bar. Riley stared at the ceiling while licking the Alfredo sauce off her fingers.

Amber wiped her eyes and nose again, then she said, “I guess I’ll get that.”

As she stood up, Adam said, “Wait.”

“What is it?”

“Just… ignore it.”

“What? Why? What if it’s an emergency? Or what if it’s your package?”

Adam said, “Forget about it.”

“You were complaining about it on the phone an hour ago,” Amber responded.

“And it’s fine now. Just forget about it.”

“At least let me see who it is.”

“Wait,” Adam said as he jumped up from his seat. Amber stopped behind Riley’s highchair. Adam said, “I’ll take care of it.”

Adam made his way past his wife and daughter, checked the locks on the back door and took a peek at the backyard, then walked up to the front door. Through the peephole, he saw a woman in a trench coat standing on his porch. She wore a black cloth mask over her mouth. Shadows hid the other half of her face. The porch light lit up the clipboard in her hands, though.

“Miki?” Adam whispered.

“Who is it?” Amber asked as she approached the door.

“ Shh ,” Adam said. “It–It’s a salesman.”