Simon Green - Property of a Lady Faire

“Tree!”

And just like that, out of nowhere, one of the great old trees from her primordial forest slammed into being, right in the middle of the Doormouse’s reception area. Its upper branches flattened against the high ceiling, while the rest spread out to fill the area. It brought the scent of wood and leaves and growing things with it, rich and overpowering, and its sheer presence dominated everything. Hadleigh just stood there and looked at it, openly bemused. For the first time he looked genuinely caught off balance. A squirrel came running down one of the long branches, to glare at Hadleigh with sharp, beady eyes. It had grey fur with a wide red-brown streak down its back and tail. It peered disapprovingly at Hadleigh, and then turned its head to wink at Molly.

“Don’t you worry, girl!” it said loudly. “You get the hell out of here. We’ll slow him down for you, see if we don’t. Hey, rube! ”

Dozens of squirrels burst out of the leafy depths of the tree, scampering along its many branches. And every single one of them pelted Hadleigh with handfuls of nuts. Hundreds of them shot through the air, thrown with incredible force. Hadleigh started to say something, and then stopped as a nut hit him in the forehead with such force that even I winced. Hadleigh fell back a step in spite of himself, holding one arm up to protect his face, and a whole barrage of nuts hit him in the ribs, hard enough to knock all the wind out of him.

The nut barrage intensified, filling the air. I didn’t know where the squirrels were getting them from, but not one missed its mark. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many angry squirrels in one place before. And I certainly don’t think I’ve ever seen a man look so surprised before. Molly grabbed my armoured arm.

“You heard the squirrel! Let’s get the hell out of here!”

“I have come around to your way of thinking,” I said. “Running is good.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” said the Doormouse.

The three of us sprinted back through the door at the back of the reception area, and on into the Storeroom.

• • •

The Doormouse slammed the door shut and locked it with a barked command. He looked quickly around, at the long rows of standing Doors. I armoured down and looked at him, and then at the locked door.

“Will that stop him?” I said.

“Almost certainly not,” said the Doormouse. He looked at Molly. “You will get that Tree out of my reception area at some point, won’t you?”

“It’ll go home when its job is done,” said Molly. “It was just the quickest way of summoning the squirrels. They’ve always had a soft spot for me. Don’t worry, they’ll disappear along with the Tree. Though it might take you a while to gather up all the nuts and get the squirrel shit out of your carpet.”

The Doormouse looked at her, started to say something, and then thought better of it.

“Why are we hiding in here?” I said. “Do you have a Door that can take us somewhere he can’t follow?”

“No,” said the Doormouse. “But we should be safer, hidden among so many Doors. They impact on so many realities, just the sheer number of possibilities should help confuse Hadleigh. For a while.”

“You really think we can hide from him?” said Molly.

“I don’t know!” the Doormouse wailed plaintively. “This is the Detective Inspectre we’re talking about! Oh shit . . . Listen. He’s coming.”

“Take us farther in,” said Molly. “Deeper among the Doors.”

“There must be something here we can use,” I said.

“Against him? Against Hadleigh Oblivion?” said the Doormouse.

“Stop hyperventilating right now, or I will make you breathe into a paper bag,” I said sternly. “He thought he could take me, and he couldn’t. So he’s not unbeatable.”

“Have you had an idea?” said the Doormouse, looking at me hopefully.

“Not yet,” I admitted. “But I am working on it.”

“Come on,” Molly said to the Doormouse. “Eddie’s a Drood, I’m the wild witch, and you’re a Master of Doors. Between us, we should be able to come up with something.”

The Doormouse nodded quickly and scurried off between the rows of Doors. He stopped before one, chosen apparently at random, and pulled it open. He gestured frantically to Molly, and she hurried through. I went after her. The Doormouse followed close behind, all but shoving me, and once we were all through he slammed the Door shut behind us.

• • •

Rows and rows of Doors stretched off into the distance, for as far as I could make out and quite a bit farther, but in front of us was just a blank wall, of so pure a white it was essentially colourless. The Doormouse worked frantically on a combination lock set into the Door, and then sighed heavily and stepped back.

“There! I’ve just scrambled the spatial coordinates. No way he can follow us through that Door! We’re right at the extreme end of the Storeroom. Should take him a while to catch up with us. We’re as far away from Hadleigh as we can get and still be inside the House of Doors.”

I looked at Molly. “Hadleigh Oblivion is pretty damned powerful, and maybe just a bit scary, but I still don’t like running from an enemy.”

“I do!” said Molly. “When it’s the Detective Inspectre his own bad self in person, I am fully in favour of sprinting for the nearest horizon, and going to ground in a whole different reality! If you’d heard some of the stories I’ve heard, your heart would be jumping right out of your chest too.”

“Really?” I said.

“Yes! Really!”

“Oh, come on,” I said. “We’ve faced down the Most Evil Man in the World! What makes Hadleigh so different?”

“You haven’t been paying attention, have you, Eddie?” Molly stopped herself short, closing her eyes briefly as she fought for control. “Damn, I’m hyperventilating now. And that is not like me.”

“No, it isn’t,” I said. “So if you’re that worried, I’m that worried.”

“You should be,” said Hadleigh Oblivion.

We all spun round, to find the man standing politely just a few feet away. He hadn’t come through the Door the Doormouse had blocked, and though I looked all around me, I couldn’t see any other Door standing open. Hadleigh didn’t seem to have been running. He wasn’t even breathing hard.

“You’re getting on my tits,” I said to Hadleigh.

He smiled. “I get that a lot.”

“Shut up and run!” howled the Doormouse. He shot off between the hovering Doors, with Molly and me right on his furry heels. The Doormouse yanked open every Door he passed, revealing shifting views of a dozen different destinations, some of them quite definitely out of this world. I could hear Hadleigh behind us. I risked a glance back over my shoulder. He was just trotting along, not hurrying, not pushing himself, but still keeping up with us effortlessly. He was smiling, like he was just out for a pleasant afternoon run.

The Doormouse looked back too, and saw that Hadleigh was ignoring all the opened Doors. The Doormouse barked a command at one Door, in a language I didn’t even recognise, and the Door swung open just as Hadleigh drew abreast of it. A blast of superheated flame shot out of the opening, as though the Door had opened onto the surface of the Sun. Hadleigh ran right through the terrible flames without even slowing. And came out the other side entirely unaffected. The Door slammed shut.

The Doormouse yelled another command at another Door, and a great jet of water shot out, under intense pressure. As though this Door had opened somewhere deep under the Sea. And again, Hadleigh just ran on through the solid jet of water like it was a pleasant summer shower, and when he came out the other side he wasn’t even damp.