Лиза Макманн - Fade

“GHB, confirmed in the meatballs and in the veggie dip,” he says.

“Jesus Christ.” He takes off his rugby, leaving his T-shirt on. Begins pacing some more. “I didn’t know you could put it in food.”

“Apparently Durbin wanted to cover his bases,” Captain says quietly, eyeing Cabel carefully. She turns back to Janie. “Is there anything else you remember? Don’t worry if you can’t. I expect that’s probably about it.”

Janie remains quiet for a long time. Finally she says, “This is weird, but

I know Coach Crater raped Stacey. Not this time. Last semester.”

The room rings in silence.

“How do you know, Janie?” Captain asks.

Janie hesitates. “I can’t prove it.”

“That’s okay. Give me your hunch. Remember? We can’t solve crimes without leads.”

Janie nods. Tells her the car dream Stacy’s had since last fall. And then tells her about pausing the dream and not being able to see the face.

“But I saw his hand,” she says. “In the dream he’s wearing a square fraternity ring. I remember seeing the same ring on Crater’s right hand last night.”

Silence.

And more silence. Cabel makes another phone call.

Captain ventures another question with an almost-smile on her face.

“Do you remember when you activated the panic button?”

Janie looks at her. Shakes her head no.

“So you don’t remember beating the shit out of Crater and Wang?”

Janie stares. “What?”

Captain smiles. “You were amazing, Janie. I hope someday you remember it. Because you should be very proud of yourself, like I am of you.”

Janie closes her eyes.

Finally she says, “Cabe, can you step out for a minute?”

He gives her a fleeting look, then goes.

“Captain,” Janie says, “did anything happen? You know. With me?”

Captain holds her hand. “Nothing below the belt, kiddo. When Baker and Cobb found you, your sweater was off your shoulder. That’s it.

The doctors did an exam. You stopped them, Janie.”

Janie sighs in relief. “Thanks, sir.”

6:23 p.m.

Cabel drives Janie to his house.

“Twenty-one positives on the GHB, Janie.” Cabel’s voice is harsh.

“Everyone at the party was drugged. Durbin even drugged himself.

Rumor has it, the drug is known to enhance stamina.” He pauses.

“Ewww.” They both shudder. “When Baker and Cobb and the backup crew arrived, Durbin had three female students in his bed with him.”

Janie is quiet.

“He’s going to jail for a long time, Janie.”

“What about Wang?”

“Him too. Sadly, he raped Stacey before Baker and Cobb got there.

They found his DNA. She asked for the morning-after pill. She doesn’t remember anything that happened last night.” Cabel’s hands grip the steering wheel. His knuckles are white.

Janie’s quiet. “Fuck,” she says.

She should have done better.

Done better for Stacey.

Janie’s headache dulls by evening. She eats everything Cabel gives her, and then declares herself fit. “Stop babying me already,” she says with a cautious grin. She knows Cabel hasn’t slept.

Cabel gives her an exhausted, lost look. Sucks in a breath as his face crumbles. He nods. “I’m done,” he says. “Excuse me.” He walks out of the room, and Janie hears him in his bedroom. Yelling into his pillow.

Janie cringes.

Realizes now she was in way over her head. And, maybe, so was

Cabel.

After a while he is quiet. Janie ventures a peek into his bedroom, and he’s asleep on his stomach, fully clothed, glasses flung on the nightstand, his arm and leg hanging off the edge of the bed, tears still clumping his eyelashes, cheeks flushed. Not dreaming.

Janie kneels next to the bed, smoothes his hair from his cheek, and watches him for a very long time.

March 9, 2006, 3:40 p.m.

The uproar at Fieldridge High School has settled, some. Janie’s three substitute teachers are less than exciting. Which is okay, because

Janie’s having trouble concentrating, anyway. Not because of Mr.

Durbin’s party. But because of what happened after, with Cabel.

After school Janie’s at home, lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, when Carrie pops her head inside Janie’s front door.

Janie sits up and forces a smile. “Hey. Happy, happy. Did you do anything fun for your birthday?” She hands Carrie a small gift bag that’s been sitting on the coffee table for days.

“The usual. Nothing fancy. Stu thinks I should go register to vote, of all things. I hope he’s joking.”

Janie attempts a laugh, even though she feels numb. “You should register to vote. It’s your right as an American.”

“Did you?”

“Yes.”

“Oh my god!” Carrie exclaims, slapping her hand to her mouth. “Did I miss your birthday?”

Janie shrugs. “When have you ever remembered it?”

“Hey! That’s not fair,” Carrie says, grinning sheepishly. But Janie knows it’s true. So does Carrie.

Not that it matters.

That’s just the way things are with them.

Carrie ooohs over the CD Janie bought her. And they are okay. But

Janie knows that things are changing rapidly.

Carrie doesn’t stick around long.

Janie has no plans for the evening.

Or for the rest of her life, it seems.

She calls Cabel.

“I miss you,” she says to his voice mail. “Just…had to tell you that.

Um, yeah. Sorry. Bye.”

But Cabel doesn’t call back.

She knew he wouldn’t.

“I need a break.” That’s what he said that Monday after the hospital, when he tried to touch her but couldn’t.

NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE

March 24, 2006, 3:00 p.m.

Janie is in a daze now. It’s been nearly three weeks. She goes through her classes like a zombie. Goes home after school. Every day, alone.

Alone.

It’s fierce. There’s so much more to miss now. Being alone before

Cabel was much easier than being alone after Cabel.

He doesn’t sit nearby in study hall anymore, either. Doesn’t call.

Doesn’t check on her when she gets sucked into dreams.

He can’t even seem to look at her. And when it happens by accidentin the hallways, the parking lot—his face gets a stricken look, and he hurries on, without a word.

Away from her.

Even at the follow-up meeting with Captain, she was alone. Cabel met with Captain separately.

Janie drives home, windows open on this fresh spring day, with nothing to lose.

3:04 p.m.

She stops for an elementary-school bus whose red lights are blinking.

She looks at the children, crossing the street in front of her. Wonders if any of them are like her.

Knows they probably aren’t.

And then.

She’s taken by surprise. Blind, sucked into a little kid’s dream.

Falling, falling off a mountain.

Janie gasps silently.

Her foot slips from the brake pedal.

The bus horn wails and screams.

She grips the steering wheel frantically and struggles with her mind to focus. Pulls herself out of the dream as Ethel strays dangerously close to the street-crossing children.

Slams a numb, heavy foot on the brake and blindly reaches for the keys in the ignition.

Ethel conks out and dies as Janie’s sight returns.

The bus driver gives Janie a hateful look.

The children scurry to the side of the road, staring at Janie, eyes wide in fear.

Janie, horrified, shakes her head to clear it. “I’m so sorry,” she mouths.

She feels sick to her stomach.

The bus roars away.

While the drivers who are lined up behind Janie begin honking impatiently, Janie struggles to start Ethel.

Bawling her eyes out.

Hating her life.

Wondering what the fuck is going to happen to her, wondering how she’s going to get through life without killing somebody.