Hugh Cook - The Walrus and the Warwolf

In Jone, Drake found many of his former friends, and persuaded them to come to Santrim with him for a bit of fun. They fronted up to Libernek Square, where Muck was preaching to the usual jeering crowd. Drake, safe with his comrades to support him, slanged off at Muck, and called on him to yield up the fair lady Zanya.

Muck had no dogs, crocodiles or watermelon stands which he could set upon Drake Douay, so sent his Flame-clad stave men to do battle with the questing hero. The crowd joined the fight – on Drake's side – and Muck's men had to beat a hasty retreat.The next day, Drake returned.

'Send out your bravos!' he bawled, brandishing a knife. 'I've sworn to take five scalps by sundown!'

When nobody came forth from Muck's temple to do battle, Drake and his colleague sang scatological songs in three-part harmony. The crowd joined in. The next day, Drake returned again. He found the crowd larger, more enthusiastic. Great stuff!

'Come out, Muck!' yelled Drake. 'Or I'll storm your gates!'

Muck stayed out of sight, and Drake judged that the crowd was not quite yet ready to take Muck's temple by force.

Tomorrow, maybe. We'll see. A riotous mob, that's the thing!

The fourth day, Drake fronted up for further fun – and was arrested by the Watch. And the day after, he was hauled into the New Courthouse to hear the charges Gouda Muck had preferred against him. The trial came up so quickly because the general pardon, given to celebrate the liberation of Androlmarphos, had cleared the backlog of the courts entirely.

Drake was brought in front of Judge Syrphus, who held court in the traditional glory which tradition decreed for a person in his position. Thanks to tradition, Judge Syrphus wore uncured goatskins and a feathered head-dress, sat on a throne made from the bones of traitors, and wore heavy gold bracelets littered with garnets and bits of black glass.

The proceedings were in the Churl of the Harvest Plains (not High Churl or City Churl or Field Churl, but Legal Churl, which took a good five years for the brightest brains to master) and were translated into Galish for Drake's benefit.

'Are you Drake Douay, runaway swordsmith's apprentice of Stokos?' he was asked by the Clerk of the Court.

'Yes,' he said, fearlessly. 'And you've no jurisdiction over Stokos, so let's hear nothing about running away, aye, or thieving masterswords, or hacking up royal trees or any other such nonsense. Aye, and while we're at it, I've got a pardon for all crimes I might have done in or out of Selzirk – not that I'm admitting any, mind – and here's the document itself. Not that I can read it, but the wise, who ought to know, say it's a pretty enough bit of paper.'

This resulted in some colloquy, after which Drake was told:

'The Court is aware of your pardon, but it has no relevance to this case. In this case, the Court is being asked to subject you to preventive detention on the grounds that you are a public menace. You can be perfectly innocent of all crime yet still be a public menace. So the pardon does you no good.'

'So you're putting me on trial for things I've never done and maybe never will do.''Precisely.''Then I'll have a lawyer, thanks.' 'What money have you?' 'None.'

'Then you get no lawyer. Call the first witness for the prosecution!'

The witness was called. Into court he came. Gouda Muck! There followed several exchanges between Drake and Muck. They swore, cursed and damned each other, engaged in the wildest insults and used the most shameless, filthy language. Fortunately, they did all this in Ligin, which nobody else in the Court could understand.

Drake Douay and Gouda Muck were, with difficulty, called to order. Then Muck was introduced to the Court as a master swordsmith and a peaceful minister of religion.

'Do you recognize anyone in the Court?' asked the prosecutor.

'Why, yes,' answered Gouda Muck. 'The man in the dock. I know him as Drake Douay. He was my apprentice on Stokos, until he ran away some four or five years ago.''When did you see him next?''In Runcorn.'

'Runcorn? What was he doing?' 'He ruled the place. He'd founded a truly monstrous religion. I hold a copy of the doctrines of that religion.

This document is The Book of Witness. Know that Drake Douay was at this time going under the name of Arabin lol Arabin.'

After Muck had been questioned further, The Book of Witness was read into the record of the Court. Drake listened intently. He had never heard it before; he was flattered to learn that a follower of his temple had been impressed enough to write down a history of Drake's doings in Runcorn.This was fame indeed!

The prosecutor finished with Muck, and, very pleased with himself, addressed the Court:

'You have heard both my first witness and The Book of Arabin. Plainly, the accused is an evil, dangerous religious radical. He overthrew the rightful rule Of Runcorn. In its place he installed a monstrous regime of drunkenness, debauchery and polymorphous perversion. That more than suffices to make him a public menace, for what he did in Runcorn he might yet do in Selzirk.'Smirking, the prosecutor sat. And Drake was asked:'Do you have questions to put to the witness?'

'Aye, that I do,' said Drake. 'Under torture, if you please. Or, if he'll not submit to torture, let him swear to tell the truth, and let him swear by the Flame he preaches of.'

Drake's petition to have the witness tortured was denied, but Muck was made to swear (by the Flame) that he would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

'Man,' said Drake, 'you had me as apprentice on Stokos. Was I good or was I bad?'

'You were the worst apprentice I ever had,' said Gouda Muck. 'Drunk, disorderly, disobedient, shiftless, idle, gross, reckless and lawless. You stole my mastersword.''Did I ever steal gold?''No.'

'Or bread? Or wine? Or wood? Or anything else of you or yours?''No.'

'Did I ever hurt or harm or damage anything of you or yours?'

'Yes! You damaged a sword of mine. I remember it well. You were foolish at sword. You knocked out some iron inlay. I can tell the Court exactly. It was the letter Ac0wae.''How do you know it was that letter? Did I tell you?'

'You! Tell me! An illiterate fool like you? No, I knew the letter for what it was because I'm a scholar of sorts, as my father was before me.''Why call me illiterate?' said Drake, sounding hurt.

'Because you know not one letter from the other. Why, when you were sent to learn your theory, you had to memorize the whole by heart.'

'That's a cruel thing to say,' said Drake. 'Why make me out as ignorant?''Because you are!'

'All right,' said Drake. T let you have the point. I know not one letter from the other.'

'And never will,' said Muck, 'for you were no good at learning. Why, I had to beat you to learn you the simples of your business!'

'Beatings, was it?' said Drake. 'Was it with fists? Or with boot? Or with stick? Or did you bang my head against the wall? Or did you throw lumps of coal and ore at me? Or what method did you use?''All of those, and more,' said Muck. 'But all failed.'

'Did I ever beat back in return? Hit or punch or throw or spit?'Muck laughed.

'You'd never have dared!' he said. 'You were too fearful for that.''So what did I do to oppose you?'

'We've been through that! You stole my mastersword and ran away!''And when did you see me next?''Why, in Runcorn.''Tell the Court how you came to see me.'

'I'd made it my business to travel the Salt Road, preaching. I had with me loyal assistants – such as Sully Yot. A better man than you!''Tell the Court of this Yot,' said Drake.

'An apprentice of mine,' said Muck. 'He'd been a prisoner of pirates. You were one of those who took him prisoner!'

'Was I just?' said Drake. 'Was I then high in their ranks? A pirate captain, perhaps?'