Hugh Cook - The Walrus and the Warwolf

'We are,' said the Walrus, looking hard at Drake, and wishing he had the strength to tear the snake-tongued fellow apart. 'We're friends, aye, I'll not forget it, or the gift of ale and kale either.'

Then Mulps sat, and gave every appearance of peace as talk turned to other subjects. But the insults rankled. That night, when Mulps slept, he had nightmares about his childhood, when he had been teased, bullied and rejected because he was so tall and thin, his nose so sharp, his thumbs double and his hair green.

Mulps woke writhing and sweating. Drake! Drake Douay! He was responsible for this!'A curse,' muttered Mulps. 'He cursed me. Aye.''What?' said his whore.'Nothing,' said Mulps. 'Go back to sleep.'

Mulps slept but the whore didn't, and when Mulps woke in the morning she was gone – with the last of his money with her. He blamed Drake for that, too. And, later in the day, sought out Elkor Alish, and bore false witness against Drake. Warrants were sworn out on the spot, and guards sent to arrest Drake.

Who was hauled into the presence of Elkor Alish that afternoon, vigorously threatening his guards with dragon-magic, demonic possession and a wide range of curses. All of which, of course, confirmed Mulps's belief that Drake had somehow put a curse upon him.

'So, here you are,' said Elkor Alish, sighting Drake. 'Just the man I need.'

'For what?' said Drake. 'What am I charged with? Show me a bill of particulars.'

'No need for that,' said Alish. 'All charges are dismissed. I've got serious work for you to do.''Aye. Work to get me killed, no doubt.''It may well,' said Alish.'Then I'll have no part in it,' said Drake.

'Oh, I'll make it worth your while. There's wealth and women as the pay for prompt performance.'

'I've got a woman already. I fought shipboard for the favour of Ju-jai. Once at the Teeth I'll claim her. A famous pretty whore, they say, with hair as red as my last.'

'Part of your pay,' said Alish, smoothly, 'will be the right to return to the Greater Teeth.''Like that, is it?' said Drake.

'Indeed like that. Be strong. All I want you to do is carry two letters. One is to Morgan Hearst. The other is to Watashi.'' Carry letters? Why me? Why not send an ambassador?'

'You will be precisely that. An ambassador. Remember when I visited you when you were in preventive detention in 'Marphos?''Aye,' said Drake, cautiously.

'You boasted large at the time,' said Alish. 'You said you'd been ambassador for King Tor on five different occasions.'

'Yes, but,' said Drake, 'I've enemies in Stokos. Gouda Muck, for one. I can't be your ambassador if I'm caught up in feuds with enemies, can I?'

'You'll deal in no feuds,' said Alish, 'for you'll visit the city in secret. That's why I must send you.''Me!'

'Right,' said Alish. 'You know the city. Better still, Watashi knows you. Who else have I got who's been face to face with Farfalla's son?''But-'

'You'll find a way to him,' said Alish. 'In secret. To guarantee your success . . . I'm holding your Walrus and Warwolf hostage against your safe return with proofs of performance.'Drake groaned.

The Walrus, weakened by a fever which had been gaining a hold on his carcass since midnight, fainted.

That night, Drake dreamed of dragons, torturers and Plovey of the Regency. Yet, the very next day, he began to make preparations for setting out for Selzirk – for he had no choice in the matter.

Elkor Alish said he would choose companions for Drake, but gave him permission to look for additional companions for the venture. Drake looked, but found nobody suitable.

There was just one person Drake seriously considered taking, and that was Forester, who lacked verve, courage, style and nous. Drake judged Forester to be a regular sucker-fool, who could be conned into doing the really dangerous work, such as making the approach to Watashi. However, despite the encouraging lies Drake told, Forester refused to join the adventure.

'Ambassadors don't come so short in the tooth,' said Forester to Drake.

Upon which Drake, offended, abandoned his efforts to recruit the man. He would rely on the companions Elkor Alish had chosen for him. Or so he thought at first. But when he saw those people, he despaired. They were coarse, brutal, stupid types. They spoke poor Galish and zero Churl. He complained to Alish:'Man, these people are good for nothing but knifework.'

'That's what they've been chosen for,' said Alish. 'While you attack Selzirk with the word, they bring the sword.''I'm ambassador and they're assassins?' 'Right.'

'Then let's split our missions,' said Drake. 'You send them separate to the city. As for me – I've a plan.''Tell,'said Alish.

He heard Drake out, and agreed to Drake's plan. Shortly, Drake was imprisoned with half a dozen enemy cavalry officers who had been captured when Alish and his allies.first took Androlmarphos. Like many of the more important hostages, they had been shipped to Runcorn early on for safe keeping.

'Who might you be?' asked these prisoners, when Drake was flung into their midst, bleeding heavily from the nose.

'Why, I be Drake Douay,' said Drake. 'A man of Stokos, aye, and adopted son of Plovey of the Regency, in Selzirk.''How long ago adopted?' he was asked.

'Why, but this time last year, when I saved him from drowning in the Velvet River. Hence I'm but making a start with my Churl. Since your Galish runs so fair, doubtless you can help me with work on my Churl, for I long to talk my father's tongue proper.'

Drake's lie was so close to the truth that it was near to being unbreakable. Not that the officers tried to break it, for they had no cause to be suspicious.'What in Churl do you want to learn?' they said.

'The language of sex and seduction, to staxt with,' said Drake, promptly – thinking that the fewer lies he told, the simpler life would be.So they started into lessons immediately.

On the third night of Drake's captivity, the gaolers got drunk. The prisoners seized their opportunity and overpowered the drunks. Two of the gaolers got killed in the process. This was not part of the plan, but Drake had no sympathy for them – he was developing very strong views about gaols and gaolers.

The escapers quit Runcorn, and found, outside the city, horses (complete with saddles) which were only lightly guarded. The guards did not stand and fight, but ran away. So the escapers commandeered the horses and rode hell for leather for the south.

Did they suspect that the whole thing had been engineered by Drake Douay and Elkor Alish?No, not for a moment.

For the officers, like most children of the Harvest Plains, had been raised on a brand of fairy tales in which heroes of all descriptions regularly escaped from the most daunting dungeons imaginable, not just once or twice but as many as half a dozen times in the same story.

So they thought themselves fine fellows as they galloped along, urging their horses closer and closer to the edge of death; they laughed, joked and bragged, persuading themselves their outbreak had been a regular feat of heroism.Only Drake knew better.

At daybreak, one of the horses collapsed and died. The rest were nearly ready for the knacker's yard. However, at noon, the escapers met a patrol of Harvest Plains cavalry, and were able to commandeer fresh horses. Several changes later, they entered Selzirk.

'Now,' said Drake, to the most senior officer who had ridden with him, 'get me an audience with Morgan Hearst. Immediately.''What business have you with him?'

'That which cannot be delayed. Man, get me to see him. I've no money to bribe my way through to his face. Once I'm with him, he'll be the judge of my business. He's hero enough to know if I'm wasting his time.'

The officer, too exhausted for argument, handed Drake over to the appropriate people, telling them Drake must see Hearst instantly.