Hugh Cook - The Walrus and the Warwolf

Whereupon there was uproar of surpassing greatness.But the Record showed the answer of Lachish as 'No.'Then did Arabin call attention to the answer shown in the Record, and say unto Lachish: 'If thou hast not tasted these pleasures, wherefore dost thou speak of the goodness or the badness thereof?'

Verses 12-14, Vision the Fifth, The Book of Witness

As Gouda Muck resumed his seat, Drake saw Zanya enter the courthouse, and guessed that she was next witness for the prosecution. Their eyes met, briefly, giving him no hint of what she felt or thought. This was fearful dangerous! Who could tell what the woman would say?

'Man,' said Drake. 'I mean, my lord judge. We've heard Gouda Muck speak plain. He's a nutter. Right? A lunatic! A madman, no less. So I reckon it's time to throw out these charges Muck's brought, before we go any further.'

Judge Syrphus stirred himself on his chair of bones, adjusted his feathered head-dress, scratched at his goatskins then spoke:

'The mad have as many rights under Selzirk law as do the sane. Indeed, it has been argued in quarters that only a madman would go to law to start with – therefore to abolish the rights of the mad to law would be to abolish the rights of all.'

'But,' protested Drake, 'the man's got a head full of nonsense!'

'We have other witnesses yet to speak,' said the judge. 'They themselves may well prove rational enough. With luck, we'll have evidence enough to condemn you.''You want to condemn me?' said Drake.

'Nothing personal,' said the judge. 'But I do have a quota to make.'

Drake started sweating. This was proving harder than he had thought. He felt as if he had been at sword nonstop for a moon and a day.Well.He would do his best.

'Aagh,' he said, clearing his throat. He was about to spit when he remembered himself. Proceeding in his best lawyerly manner (which he had learnt by watching Garimanthea in Runcorn), he said: 'We have heard evidence from Gouda Muck. The prosecutor spoke once he'd finished with the man, so I suppose I may do the same.'

'You are right.' said the Clerk of the Court. 'You are at liberty to make an address to the Court after finishing with each witness.'

'Then that I do,' said Drake. 'Although I do it but poorly, for I be a sorry runaway apprentice who knows not the letter Ac0wae from any other.'

He took a deep breath. His future was on the line, if not his very life. This had better be good.

'Gouda Muck, as you have heard, knows me well as Drake Douay, for he had me as apprentice for year on year on Stokos.

'Now I have the greatest respect for Gouda Muck, for it was he who taught me how to shape steel, aye, and the temperature at which tilps jiffle.'

This last claim sounded entirely innocuous to the Court, but in the Ligin of Stokos it was extremely obscene, and brought Gouda Muck to his feet with a roar.

'Sit and be silent!' shouted the judge, before Muck could speak. 'Are you mad, man?'

Guards took up position on either side of Muck, ready to suppress him immediately if he interrupted again.

'Aye,' said Drake. T respected Muck. But there was a strangeness about him at times. Sometimes he'd leap to his feet and roar for no reason, as you've just seen.'

Muck's face started to turn purple with rage. How very interesting! Drake wondered if Muck would have a stroke and die on the spot, like Nabajoth of Runcorn. Wondering (and hoping) he continued:

'Other times,' said Drake, 'this worthy scholar would beat me, aye, with kicks, cudgels, fists and walls, and missiles into the bargain. That you've heard from his own testimony.'But did I ever fight back?

'Nay. I hit not, kicked not, spat not. Gouda Muck has sworn as much, aye, sworn it on his beloved Flame before you all. I was gentle, man, like a dead fish nailed to a slab of wood by fifty nails each longer than a finger. He never got any violence out of me.

'Likewise, by his own testimony, you know I did no damage to him and his, barring the trifling matter of the letter Ac0wae, knocked from a sword by accident. No harm he had of me till the day I was beaten once too often, and ran.

'For I am mild by nature, and not built all that big, so I'd always rather run than fight. As for his mastersword, well, what can I say? Muck was a swordsmith making at least a blade every day, so what would one be more or less?'

At this, Muck made a determined effort to stand and shout. A gag was slapped into his mouth, and he was carried from the courtroom.

'Poor man!' said Drake. T hope he's right by the morrow. As I say, he had his funny moods. But he was good in his day, aye, and taught me much. Mad as he is, no doubt he told the Court the truth as he sees it. Let's look at this truth.

'Muck claims I was cook's boy on a pirate ship. Well, that's true enough, I won't deny it. As I've told the Court already, I'm a gentle chap, with precious little fight in my bones. So I was low in the rank when I were with the pirates, for I never had the heart to match cutlass with cutlass, or do foul things to fair women captured.

'As Gouda Muck has told the Court, my time on the pirate ships saw me diligent in prayer, raising my voice to the god I was taught to worship when I were but a lad, scraping around for whatever sacrifices lay within my means.

'The Court sees me, then, for what I am – shy, pious, eager for religion. And never raising a hand against the man who kicked and beat me all those years.

'Now, on to Runcorn. What has Muck to tell of Runcorn? Why, that he got there one evening and left the next night, or thereabouts. And did he see me much in all that time? Why, from his own testimony, no.

'For he spent the first evening resting at the inn. Next morning he spent deep in conversation with some Aard Lox. Who's he? I never heard of him before today, I'll tell you that for real.

'Anyway. This Aard Lox sells Muck a certain document you've all heard tell of. The Book of Witness. Aye. Well, paper's one thing, truth's another. There's people in Selzirk making a right good living selling maps to cities of buried treasure. Aye. The maps sell well – that's why they're treasure maps.'Laughter from the audience. The judge frowned.

T didn't mean for them to laugh!' protested Drake. 'But it's true! There's fools who will believe anything. As for Muck – what wouldn't the man believe, him with his Flame and all? What I'm saying is, let's not believe everything that's down on paper. If all such is believable, then there's an ocean of treasure out there!'No laughter this time.Drake continued:

'Anyway, with paper purchased, Muck goes to a square to find there's a riot. Did I start it? No. Muck himself says

I was doing my best to stop it. And how? By talking the people from looting to the honest business of slaving, which, as the Court knows well, is highly respected in Selzirk as elsewhere.

'You've had all kind of sorry troubles come from out of the north, but, as Muck has told it well, I was never mixed with any mad plans for invading Selzirk.

'Now how long did Muck see me for? Scarce long enough to hear me shout that I was Arabin lol Arabin. After that, he had troubles of his own.

'Out of this little, Muck makes much. A handful of words. Some paper bought from a stranger. From that, he makes me ruler of Runcorn. A strange turn of events!

'As the Court has heard, for years I was meek, mild, yielding without anger to all kinds of punishment, praying most diligent to my god, doing a humble job as cook in a sea ship's kitchen. But next moment I'm suddenly conjured into this conqueror of Runcorn, a terrible swordsman who kills people in open duel, and all the rest of the wild things you've heard.

'Now the truth is easy enough explained. I parted from the pirates right enough, for reasons you'll know yourselves by now. That wasn't my style. They'd probably have murdered an innocent boy like me if I'd kept with them that much longer. So I took to shore, and to honest work.