Hugh Cook - The Walrus and the Warwolf

'My apprenticeship I never finished. Aye. That's much to be regretted. But I could cook. So in Runcorn I got a job as cook of sorts, aye, for this Arabin lol Arabin. Now he was a mighty magnificent man, and right bloody dangerous into the bargain. But what means his name, Arabin lol Arabin? Why, in Galish it's plain enough: it means he was the son of some fellow Arabin.

'But, me, I'm the son of Teff Douay, the nephew of Oleg Douay, the grandson of Vytor Douay, and so on back through fifty generations, all of them Douay. So I could never have any Arabin as my father, that's for real.'Anyhow.

'There I was in Runcorn, scratching an honest living as cook for this Arabin lol Arabin, when he came upon troubles which I don't rightly pretend to understand; seeing as I'm not political at all, I don't hold with messing with the business of me betters. And in the riot he was killed.'So.

'Something had to be done, or these anarchist types who were rioting would have torn the town apart. Now, I'm not a man of action, but I felt it my duty to try. So up I got on my two hind legs, and tried to turn them from reckless riots to honest slaving, which, as all the world knows, is an admirable kind of enterprise to be engaged in.

'But they wouldn't answer to my leadership. So I thought myself to impress them with the fact that the old leader was dead – partly because it was his death they were raging for, so if they knew him finished the trouble would die down. So I went to shout out that "I am here with the news that Arabin lol Arabin is dead."

'But that's a proper mouthful, and I'm no speaker. So in the heat of the moment, my tongue tripped upside down, and nothing cameoutbut "lam Arabin lol Arabin". Well, and the worthy Gouda Muck heard that right enough, and a lot of misunderstanding there's been of it since.

'Let's talk about these treasure maps Muck bought, some papers called The Book of Witness, all about this Arabin fellow. There was one bit I didn't hear right the first time, so I got it read out a second, aye, and Gouda Muck swore it was told right to the Court.'You all heard it.

'There was hot words said in the City Hall in Runcorn. A regular uproar, after which none knew just what had been said. But there was some Record, which must mean a Record in writing. And you've heard that this Arabin fellow called attention to what the Record said, which was "No".'Was that me?'How could it have been?'For I be but an ignorant apprentice, who knows not the letter Ac0wae from any other. I couldn't read in any Record to save my life.

'Now, after I left Runcorn, I came to this fair city of Selzirk, most beautiful city I've ever set eyes on. And, bye and bye, I heard how Muck was in town. Aye, with a woman Zanya with him.

'Now this fancy document which Muck picked up in Runcorn, it tells how Arabin lol Arabin had a woman named Zanya. Now so he did. But I had a woman, too, and her name was also Zanya. And the Court won't deny that two women can share the same name. Now I'm a mild fellow, as the Court's heard, but there's one time when I did fight true.'

And Drake looked at Zanya. And she gazed back at him. And he knew she was sitting in judgment on him. She would be called to the witness stand next. And she would make his life or break it. Yes.

'Zanya,' he said, making love to her name as he spoke it. 'I saw her first when I was floating in the sea, a horizon away from Stokos. I was the sole survivor of a shipwreck. I fell in love with her then at first sight. But cruel circumstances later parted us. I was never able to court her as I wished to.

'Where did we meet again? Why, on Burntos – an island to which I went on a ship then engaged in honest trade. Briefly we met, but, after a few days, parted.

'We next met in an arena in the city of Dalar ken Halvar. I was tumbled there by a kind of magic. And if the Court doubts that, they can ask the fair and most beautiful lady Zanya for the proof of it, for there she sits by that old fellow there who's wearing the straw hat.'

'Take that hat off!' shouted Judge Syrphus, who had not until then noticed that anyone was wearing a hat in his court.

'Why,' said Drake, as the hat came off. 'Now we can see her plainer. Aye, and a beautiful sight she makes. We were reunited, as I've told, when I'd been tumbled by magic to an arena built for killing.

'There she stood, tied to a slaughter post. Aye, and there were monsters afoot in the arena, huge things brutal with teeth and claws.

T was rightly minded to run, for my legs were wet with terror. Aye, and the magic which had tumbled me to the arena gave me a Door I could have fled through, tricing away in an instant. But no. She were of such beauty that I could not leave her for the slaughter.

'So I drew the steel I carried, as every pirate must be he cook's boy or captain. And I went chest to chest with the monster, aye, and slaughtered it. My one act as a hero. And it was for her that I killed.

'Thus she was with me when I came to Runcorn to go to work as a cook. And a hard life we had there, aye, always so much to be done, we'd scarce time to kiss twice in a day. Which was a fault of circumstances, not of she or me.

'Since then, as you've heard, she's been guardian of the purity of Gouda Muck. We've not heard from Muck exactly what that means, though I've got my own ideas about it: And if I've any quarrel with Gouda Muck, then it's over this woman. For, as the Court's heard tell, in Selzirk I went seeking my woman from Muck.

'Aye. And might have got her back, except I was arrested on false charges, for which I've since been pardoned. Arrested. Thrown into a dungeon. No light, no air, no food, no water. Darkness. Rats. Chains. Terror. Torture. Day on day unyielding. Only one thing kept me alive, and that were thinking of my fair pure Zanya.'

Mention of purity naturally brought to mind the question of appetite. How to deal with that one?

Speak from the heart, man. Things are getting too complicated. No time for more lies. So speak from the heart. 'Zanya. Yes.T lusted for her. That I'll not deny.

'My lust, in part, was frankly carnal. Sometimes women are insulted by such lust, for lust is an appetite, so some think that to be lusted for is to be devoured, as a dead fish is devoured at table. But one does not go chest to chest with a monster for the sake of a dead fish. Nay. Even a starving man would not duel it out with a monster for a dead fish.

'Together with my lust was my love also. It was love which made me fight that monster. Love at first sight.

'Sometimes I'm right hungry, man, and I sit down at table with my friends. Like animals we go at it, aye, teeth, lips, tongue, in and out, sweat, saliva – a regular meal for our hunger. But when it's over, we don't look on each other with disgust. For we're friends, yes, and to share the meal of our appetites is but to share bur friendship, aye, our very love for each other.

'That's why we eat together at table, instead of satisfying our hungers in squalid solitude, one in each corner alone. And … is not the hunger mutual?'

Then Drake looked at Zanya, looked long and with longing, saying nothing. Until finally Judge Syrphus, puzzled, said:

'The accused seems to have lost the thread of his argument. Has he anything further to say to the Court reference the testimony of Gouda Muck?'

'Nothing, my lord judge,' said Drake, still gazing on Zanya, 'for I have spoken my heart out, and have nothing more to say.'

'Then let the prosecutor call his next witness,' said the judge.

And the prosecutor called Zanya Kliedervaust to the witness stand.

Name: Zanya Kliedervaust.

Description: healthy high-breasted woman, red skin, red hair, white teeth.

Birthplace: Unch, on Lebrew (largest of the Ebrell Islands).