Sam Shepard: The god of hell: a play

HAYNES

: I don’t care what you do to me.

WELCH

: No heroics, please.

HAYNES

: I don’t!

WELCH

: No?

HAYNES

: No.

WELCH

: There’s no memory anymore. That’s the problem. No memory at all. Pearl Harbor. The Alamo. The Bataan Death March. All gone. Vanished like they never even happened. You don’t want to start all over again, do you, Haynes?

HAYNES

: All over where?

WELCH

: You see? You don’t remember a thing. That’s exactly my point!

HAYNES

: Remember what?

WELCH

: The long, tedious procedure. The intensive training. The endless sleepless nights.

HAYNES

: That was a long time ago!

WELCH

: Yes! Now it begins to come back.

HAYNES

: No!

WELCH

: No?

HAYNES

: I was younger then.

WELCH

: Yes! Exactly. What would happen to your body now if you had to undergo the same ordeal? The same stress to your appendages.

HAYNES

: I could take it!

WELCH

: You could take it?

HAYNES

:Yes, I could!

WELCH

: The pain to your penis, for instance?

HAYNES

: No!!! No!!

(HAYNES suddenly grabs his crotch with both hands and holds on. A bolt of blue light shoots from his crotch . HAYNES just stands there, frozen, holding on to his crotch and staring out toward audience . WELCH stops stapling for a while, smiles at HAYNES.)

WELCH

: Some things do come back, don’t they, Haynes? Some things do manage to penetrate all the false heroics, all the flimsy ideology. We’re suddenly stung by our duty to a higher purpose. Our natural loyalties fall in line and we’re amazed how simple it is to honor our one true heritage. Don’t you find that to be the case now, Haynes?

(HAYNES, still frozen, clutching his crotch, makes a muffled whining sound of acknowledgment .)

We even know what the next step is, don’t we, Haynes?

(HAYNES nods vigorously .)

The debriefing. The recoding. We know all that, don’t we? We have it tucked away in our tiny dime-sized minds somewhere.

(HAYNES nods again, still holding his crotch .)

So, there’s really nothing left for you to do but to go back down in the basement and wait for our team to come. Isn’t that right, Haynes? Isn’t that what you need to do now?

HAYNES

: (

looking out at audience

) Do I really have to start all over?

WELCH

: I don’t know of any shortcuts. Do you, Haynes?

HAYNES

: Can I still get my Krispy Kremes?

WELCH

: Of course you can. You know you can. We would never deny you your Krispy Kremes.

(HAYNES, still holding on to his crotch with both hands, starts moving slowly toward basement stairs .)

HAYNES

: My Mallomars?

WELCH

: You bet.

HAYNES

: My comic books?

WELCH

: They’re waiting for you back at Rocky Buttes.

(HAYNES twitches at the sound of the name, and another blue flash comes from his crotch .)

We’ll have to get that twitching and flashing taken care of, though, Haynes. You can’t walk around like a popping neon sign. We’ll get that corrected for you back at base.

HAYNES

: (

getting closer to stairs

) Do you think I could—I could have my music too? Do you remember my music?

WELCH

: Well—I don’t know about that. It might be possible. I’ll try to pull some strings.

HAYNES

: I’d like to hear my music again.

(HAYNES goes down staircase and disappears .)

WELCH

: I’ll do everything in my power, Haynes. Everything humanly possible.

(WELCH resumes his stapling. Lights fade to black with sound of stapler as music comes in over the top and plays through break .)

End Scene Two: MUSIC INTERLUDE

Scene Three

Same Set: Evening . EMMA standing on kitchen counter taking down WELCH s string of flags . FRANK enters from outside through porch door dressed in suit and tie exactly like WELCH s and carrying an attaché case exactly like WELCH s . He walks very bowlegged and sore as though something terrible has happened to his genitalia. He hobbles to center of room, stops, and just stands there staring at EMMA.

EMMA

: (

standing on counter

) Where’ve you been? I was looking all over the place for you. Didn’t you hear me? I was yelling and yelling—

FRANK

: I didn’t hear you.

(EMMA climbs down from counter, bundling up string of flags in her arms, and crosses to FRANK.)

EMMA

: What’s happened to you? What’s the matter?

FRANK

: I’ve sold the heifers.

EMMA

: What?

FRANK

: I sold the heifers. Money’s in here. (

holds up case

)

EMMA

: Why’d you do that, Frank? Those were your replacement heifers.

FRANK

: Got a good price.

EMMA

: What’re you doing in that ridiculous suit?

FRANK

: Mr. Welch gave it to me.

EMMA

: Mr. Welch?

FRANK

: Yes.

EMMA

: That stranger? The one who barged in here asking about the house? Stringing up flags on my cupboards?

FRANK

: That’s the one. He bought my heifers too.

EMMA

: No! Frank, you take that money back! You take it back right now. That’s nuts—

FRANK

: He’s gone.

EMMA

: Well, you go find him and give that money back! You’ve got no business—

FRANK

: He won’t be back here until Tuesday. There’s going to be a meeting.

EMMA

: A meeting? Where? Here? Not here there isn’t.

FRANK

: That’s what he said.

EMMA

: This has gone far enough! I’m getting the sheriff out here.

FRANK

: We don’t need the sheriff. There’s no crime. What’s the crime?

EMMA

: This guy is taking over our house! He’s taking over our whole life! Stringing up flags! Forcing cookies on me! Who is this guy? We don’t know him from Adam!

FRANK

: He’s from the government, Emma.

EMMA

: Oh, you talked to him? You’re big buddies now?

FRANK

: He’s from the government!

EMMA

: What government?

FRANK

: Our government.

EMMA

: I don’t know what our government is anymore. Do you? What does that mean, “our government”?

FRANK

: That means he knows more than us. He’s smarter than us. He knows the big picture, Emma. He’s got a plan.

EMMA

: What big picture is that?

FRANK

: The Enemy. He knows who the Enemy is.

EMMA

: What enemy?

(FRANK hobbles painfully, bowlegged, over toward the basement stairs .)

FRANK

: Where’s Graig? Have you seen him?

EMMA

: Why are you walking like that?

FRANK

: Where’s Graig!?

EMMA

: I have no idea.

FRANK

: (

yelling downstairs

) Graig!!

EMMA

: What in the world has gotten into you, Frank?

FRANK

: You don’t have the slightest clue what’s going on here, do you, Emma? We’ve been infiltrated!

EMMA

: What?

(FRANK begins cruising the rooms suspiciously, looking into corners, behind the plants .)

FRANK

: Targeted. We’re in the crosshairs right now, as we speak. Any second now the plants could blow up. The windows shattered.

EMMA

: The plants?

FRANK

: The milking parlor! The barn! The tractor!

EMMA

: The tractor?

FRANK

: The manure spreader! The whole kitchen could explode!

EMMA

: Stop it!

FRANK