Sam Shepard: The god of hell: a play

HAYNES

: Don’t they farm too?

EMMA

: Nobody farms anymore. Government pays them not to. We’re the only ones left.

HAYNES

: How come you and Frank do it?

EMMA

: Frank loves his heifers.

HAYNES

: Oh—

EMMA

: He lives for his heifers.

HAYNES

: I see—

EMMA

: Don’t you want more coffee?

HAYNES

: Well—

EMMA

: Please—

HAYNES

: All right.

( She gets him more coffee. Pause .)

Did a man come by here yesterday? Frank said something about a man. A stranger.

EMMA

: Yes. Weirdest thing. He just walked right in here like he owned the place.

HAYNES

: What did he want?

EMMA

: I’m not sure. At first he was trying to force a cookie on me.

HAYNES

: A cookie?

EMMA

: Yes. An American flag cookie.

HAYNES

: Did you accept?

EMMA

: What?

HAYNES

: The cookie.

EMMA

: No. Of course not.

HAYNES

: What else did he want?

EMMA

: Wanted to know how many rooms there were in the house and who was living in the basement.

HAYNES

: The basement?

EMMA

: Yes.

HAYNES

:He asked you that?

EMMA

: Yes.

HAYNES

:The basement, specifically?

EMMA

: Yes, he did.

HAYNES

: Well, nobody’s living in the basement.

EMMA

: That’s what I told him.

HAYNES

: You did?

EMMA

: Yes, I did.

HAYNES

: And that’s not a lie, is it? Because I’m technically not “living” in the basement—I’m just staying down there for a little while—just visiting. I’m your guest, in fact.

EMMA

: Yes, that’s right. You are.

HAYNES

: You didn’t tell him that, did you?

EMMA

: What?

HAYNES

: That you had a guest down there—living in the basement?

EMMA

: No—no, of course not. You’re not “living” down there, anyway. There’s no hot plate, no bathroom.

HAYNES

:No, I mean, you didn’t even mention me, did you?

EMMA

: No.

HAYNES

: Good.

EMMA

: I didn’t.

HAYNES

: That’s good. And did he seem to buy that or did he seem to think you were lying?

EMMA

: Well, I wasn’t lying.

HAYNES

: No, I know that. You and I both know that, but what about him? Did he seem to accept what you were saying at face value? That you were telling the truth?

EMMA

: He didn’t seem the least bit interested in that.

HAYNES

: In what?

EMMA

: The truth.

( Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Very loud this time. They both jump and stare at the door. Pause .)

HAYNES

: (

heavy whisper

) That’s him!

EMMA

: (

whisper

) Who?

HAYNES

: (

whisper

) Him. Don’t answer it.

EMMA

: (

whispers back

) How do you know?

HAYNES

: (

whisper

) This is the way they operate. They’re relentless.

( Doorbell rings again . HAYNES bolts for the basement staircase . EMMA stops him by running in front of him without touching him .)

EMMA

: Who are they?

HAYNES

: Just don’t let him in. Whatever you do, don’t let him in!

EMMA

: Please, don’t go down in the basement, Mr. Haynes.

HAYNES

: You don’t know me. You’ve never seen me. I don’t exist.

( Doorbell rings again. Even louder . HAYNES bolts down staircase and disappears . EMMA alone .)

EMMA

: Oh, criminy! Jeepers!

( She crosses over to door, stops, but doesn’t open it. She yells through door .)

Who is it?

WELCH’S VOICE

: It’s me again, Emma! It’s only me.

(EMMA backs away at sound of his voice .)

EMMA

: Who?

WELCH’S VOICE

: You know who, Emma. I came by yesterday with the cookies. Remember?

EMMA

: What do you want this time? And how in the heck do you know my name?

WELCH’S VOICE

: I’d just like to ask you some more questions about the house.

EMMA

: No

! N

o more questions! You just get away from here. Go down and see my husband. He’s down there by the barn. You go down there and ask him your questions. Don’t ask me.

WELCH’S VOICE

: I’ve already seen your husband, Emma.

EMMA

: You have?

WELCH’S VOICE

: Yes, I saw him yesterday.

EMMA

: He told me he never saw you.

WELCH’S VOICE

: Well, I had a good long talk with him.

EMMA

: And what did he say?

WELCH’S VOICE

: He said he thought we could work something out.

(WELCH opens door and steps right in, closing door behind him . EMMA backs up .)

EMMA

: Don’t! Don’t you dare come in here! What’re you doing!?

WELCH

: He said you wouldn’t mind.

EMMA

: Well, I do mind! You can’t just come busting into people’s houses like this. Who do you think you are?

WELCH

: Busting? I wouldn’t exactly call this busting. The door was open—

EMMA

: The door was open because this is Wisconsin and we all leave our doors open in Wisconsin! It’s the open-door policy.

WELCH

: Well, that’s a charming custom.

EMMA

: It’s not a custom, it’s a trust. Now, get out!

(WELCH smiles and heads toward basement stairs .)

EMMA

: Where are you going now?

WELCH

: This issue about the basement still bothers me.

EMMA

: What issue? There’s no issue. Stay away from my basement!

WELCH

: Whether or not it can officially be called a room.

EMMA

: Officially?

WELCH

: I suppose, technically speaking, it could only be called a room if someone were actually living down there. Isn’t that right? A room is where someone lives. Otherwise it’s just a space. An empty space.

EMMA

: There’s no one living down there. I told you that.

WELCH

: I know you told me that, Emma, but we have other information.

EMMA

: What information? Who’s “we”?

WELCH

: Highly classified information. Now, I suppose we could resort to high-priority tactics if we were forced to, but I’d rather not go down that road if we can possibly avoid it.

EMMA

: What kind of tactics are those?

WELCH

: Flushing tactics.

EMMA

: Flushing?

WELCH

: For flushing out fugitives.

EMMA

: He’s not a fugitive!

WELCH

: Aah! So there is someone living down there, isn’t there, Emma?

EMMA

: No!

WELCH

: No?

EMMA

: He’s not a fugitive. He’s a friend of my husband’s. And he’s not even down there anymore. He was here for a day and then he left.

WELCH

: Where did he go?

EMMA

: I have no idea.

WELCH

: Just vanished.

EMMA

: Yup.

WELCH

: Just—walked off into the night. Poof!

EMMA

: Guess so.

WELCH

: Why don’t you go down there now and bring him up for me, Emma? Be a good girl.

EMMA

: There’s no one down there!

WELCH

: You know, we are very, very skilled at flushing rats out of their nests. We’ve had vast experience. You wouldn’t want to see a bunker buster come blasting into your little kitchen from heaven knows where, would you? Because we can arrange that, Emma. It’s just a phone call away.

EMMA

: What’s he done? He’s not a criminal, is he?

WELCH

: He hasn’t done a thing, Emma. Not a thing. We’d just like to speak to him. Now, I can go down there myself or you could help things along by coaxing him up here for me.