Carola Dibbell - The Only Ones

So I go back to the sofa and maybe twenty minutes later her door opens, she is in the hall and says, “Like it wasn’t dangerous to go through the Astoria power plant and slip in the mud!”

“Ani.” She still doesn’t get it. “For us, it’s not. We’re Sylvain hardies, Ani. We don’t get anything.”

She just stops where she is, in the hall. She lifts her hand up where fleas bit her that time at the power plant. She looks at her hand a long time. Then she looks at my face. Then my hand. Then her hand. Then my face. Then she went back in her room and shut the door. She got it now.

Then I fell asleep and when I woke up, she is standing in the kitchenette in the dark, eating Process straight from the kit.

I go, “There is a spoon.”

She goes, “Talking to yourself?” Then she went back in her room and shut the door.

At least she wasn’t crying. At least not then.

So now I’m awake. “Ani, you know how twins work? Like Rauden and Henry? It’s really like t the only one that works, why is it okri what that means.ofPhat.” This is also through the door.

“So you are not my mother.”

“Well! Ok. Not exactly like twins. It is my egg.”

After a long time she says, “With nothing in it.”

“Well! Mitochondria!”

It’s even longer till she comes up with what she says next, which I’m pretty sure is, “So what?”

I guess I went to sleep again because next thing I know I’m on the sofa and she is standing there. “Why was I born?”

Whoa.

“Who was Rini Jaffur?”

Oh, shit.

“Why did you say she was the Host?”

So she remembered. “She was not the Host.”

“You said she was.”

“She wasn’t.”

“Why did you say she was?”

I said I didn’t know. I was starting to think I should not of told her anything. Nothing at all.

Then I was thinking, or I should of told her sooner.

Then I was thinking, or later.

Then she goes back in her room and locks the door.

I go, “You know, you’re not the only one you know who had the artificial Host. Itzhak also had the artificial Host.”

She didn’t remember Itzhtak. “Who was Rini Jaffur?”

“You don’t know her.”

“Why did you tell me she was the Host?”

I said, “She would of liked to be the Host. I would of too. It just didn’t work. The tank was all that worked.”

I don’t know how many hours this took.

All I know, she is spending so much time in my face going, “WHO WAS RINI JAFFUR?” I finally just went, “She was the client.”

That really stopped her. She sat down. “You weren’t even the client?”

“Ani. The prices people charge for work like Rauden did — how could I ever pay?”

“So. Rini Jaffur bought me?”

“Well! No. I mean — she was the client.”

She is going to cry again. “You didn’t even buy me, yourself?”

“I was the Donor! It didn’t work that way.”

“How did it work?”

“I was selling solo eggs. Well, soma too. Anyhow, they paid me.”

So she is crying again. I never heard anybody cry this much. “Why would anybody pay to make a baby like you?” She is sobbing and sobbing.

“It is the Sylvain hardy thing. People pay for that.” Well, how it turned out later, I wished I didn’t put that in her mind. But I didn’t know that then. “It was a terrible time, Ani. Well, it still is. Rini Jaffur lost four daughters in one month. She was mad with grief. She just wanted one child who would stay alive.”

Ani is sobbing, “So that is the reason I was born? So Rini Jaffur would have one child who would stay alive?” the only one that works, why is it He going to remember

It sounded bad. “Well not the only reason.”

“What was the other reason? You needed work?”

“It was more than that.”

“Oh. Rauden needed work too?”

“Ani, the money was just part of it. It doesn’t prove anything. Come on, everyone needs to stay alive.”

“Oh. I was born so everyone could stay alive?”

I’m running out of answers here.

“So I guess she was pretty disappointed, to get a child so much like,” and she just points at me with her hand.

“Ani! She was not disappointed. She just changed her mind.”

But she is looking at her hand.

Then she is looking at my hand.

She’s doing that her/me/space thing everybody does. Then she makes a sound. She goes to the mirror and stares in. Then she puts that hand on her cheek. Then she scratches straight down like Rini Jaffur used to do, until the blood drips.

“Ani! No!”

Now she is running to her room and locking it again. She is hitting things and making noise. “I should never of been born!” She calls out, “I don’t even know if what I was even counts as being born.”

I call out, “Well, a lot of people didn’t even get that.”

“I wish I was them! I wish I was anyone! Anyone but me!” And then she is really quiet. “Except the one in Grozny!”

So she figured it out.

But maybe Grozny is the only one she knows about. Maybe she doesn’t know about the others. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about them. I just didn’t think I could tell her. I’m sorry if you wish I did. I just didn’t think she could handle it. At least not then.

Because even now she made a sound so terrible I’m ready to break the door down, but she opens it herself, wearing a coat, and blood is dripping down both cheeks to the coat, and, I’m like, “Ani! Let me fix that.”

“Don’t you touch it! The blood is on my face so people could recognize the difference between us,” she said. “Until I get the Change.” And she is heading for the front door.

And I will tell you, I intervened then. “Ani!” I’m trying to grab her. “It is dangerous.”

She is trying to pull away. “Let’s just see what happens. Like you did with me!”

I have her by the arms. “Let me do the Change myself. I’ll end up with the different code. It will work either way.”

She goes, “Oh, talking to yourself?”

“Ani, stop.”

She goes, “Ani, stop.”

Now it’s me making a noise.

She goes, “Ani, stop.”

So we’re just standing there, me making a noise and trying to hold her.

She pushes her face right close to me and goes, “Why did you tell me Rini Jaffur was the Host?” Then she pushed me so hard I fell back on the wall and while I’m trying to stand up she ran out the front door. By the time I get down to the courtyard she’s already gone.

This timeo tell the truth,otscron right now, it’s worse than the tie. I couldn’t even do a thing. I couldn’t leave the unit. I go to the courtyard to look. Then I go inside and wait.

Then I go out to the courtyard.

Then inside to wait.

I can’t go to my cleaning jobs in case she comes back. I can’t go find a Board in case she comes back.

One day Alma Cho comes running to tell me of a new lesser flu. It is larger than the last lesser flu. A lot of these new lesser flus are. And there is new caution tape around, and smoke. So now I’m really worried. How is Ani going to get anywhere? She already has a problem getting anywhere.

There is even talk of one quarantine at St. Albans.

What is she going to do in quarantine if they sweep her in? How will I find her?

I did hear noises from the direction of the old Expressway, like a lesser Exodus is going by but I can’t leave to check in case Ani comes back. Alma says lock the door, lock the door, a stranger could come! I’m not going to do that. I have to keep it open in case Ani comes back. I just sleep near the door to guard it.

It’s the middle of the night. Alma Cho is banging on the door. She saw a stranger in my courtyard!