Carola Dibbell - The Only Ones

I thought I heard a baby once, on a walk to look for a store. I stood on a big empty street trying to figure out where I heard it. Maybe this kid had a regular mother who could pass on some details Janet did not have time to teach me, like when does the mother sleep? How does she lie down? How does she use both hands?

Then I thought, whoa. Just because they got a baby too, that doesn’t mean they won’t Alert the Authorities. What’s someone like me doing with a kid to start? Then I see a cop in a bubble cruiser and I’m thinking — shit! They did Alert somebody! The loudspeaker belts out, “HYGIENE SPRAY ALERT!” and then, “GET IN THE GODDAMN RESIDENCE. GO IN THE GODDAMN BASEMENT.” I duck inside before the spraying starts and am just going to head up to our unit for supplies, but a bubble cop is standing in the lobby with one of those stupid lights on his head, pointing to a door, and if I go the other way, it’s going to call attention, so I just went down the stairs with Ani and the bag, then more stairs, then a door, then more stairs to the basement in the total dark, and when I fell down on the basement floor, you can be sure Ani hits the roof. So she is still alive. Find the bottle in the bag. Get it to her mouth in the dark. I was so busy dealing with the Ani and Madhurot staringon bottle, and the dark, and Ani, it took me a while to realize we weren’t the only ones down there. I don’t know who they were. All I know is, one of them lit a match. I saw eyes. Maybe ten.

Then the match went out.

So great, I’m in a room with who knows how many total strangers in the total dark with Ani.

At least I don’t have to worry they will notice anything.

I just have to worry they will steal Ani.

Somebody lit a candle and like three, four people approached with the candle and stood watching Ani go to sleep on my lap. They watched for a long time, and I’m like why do they watch her sleep? Are they waiting for the right moment to steal her or do they notice something? It took them quite a while for any of them to talk. Then one of them said, “How old is it?”

Twenty-two days old.

Still alive.

Another one said, “You put her down wrong.”

She is face up on my lap. She should lie face down. Or she will get wind.

No, says another. Face down, she gets SIDS.

So that’s it. They just wanted to watch what I do and tell me what is wrong with it.

I turned her face down, and everyone calls out, “Watch out for the neck!” That woke her up.

So, great, I have to pick her up and walk her. That is wrong too. Do not pick up a baby when she cries, or she is spoiled. She has to learn. Somebody else says, nobody does that any more. I mean, nobody does anything any more, but anyhow, no one could stand it when she cried, they all want to pick her up them-self, and to tell the truth, I would of let them, so I could take a break, but somebody else says no, don’t let them pick her up, she might get something from them. You can be sure I didn’t mention why that wouldn’t be a problem. Anyhow, maybe it would, I don’t know.

All I know is, we stayed there, all of us, for two days. When she cried, everyone told me what to do. When she slept, even if just for ten minutes, it was like whoa, I have a head. I have space in my head. Let’s party. We had water, MREs. For two days, I fed Ani by candle with everyone watching, mix the bottle, clean the vagina, lay her down, whatever I did, everyone watched everything I did and told me what was wrong with it.

When it was over, we all got water and MREs to take away with us. In fact, the next day I found extra water at our door, outside, in those mega jugs.

Ok. By now I worked out when I’m scared, put a bottle in her mouth and walk, so she won’t cry.

Because I was scared now. Worse than with the K of L on our tail. Worse than from the wrapped-up man watching Ani.

If they put the water at our door, of all the doors on the floor, all the floors in the sector, they noticed where we live.

I packed up what I could, even the mega jugs, wrapped Ani really good, and headed out where it still stank of Hygiene spray to Northern Boulevard as fast as I could. If they know where we live, they could tell someone about us — cops, some kind of Authority, which I still do not know what that even is but I was pretty sure it will not turn out well.

I saw a group shaw heading east, ran after, jumped on, and took it to Jackson Heights.

iii

Remember environmental factor? How Rini said the child will not be me, because of different environmental factors? Well, I am Ani’s track down Lore and DanaThone at the Farm.e at the Farm. environmental factor.

But she is mine too.

At Jackson Heights, I jumped off, hid till the shaw left, and walked to Elmhurst. Not East Elmhurst. There is two Elmhursts. This is the other one. I walked there now.

Before Ani, I was no one’s environmental factor. Now I’m hers. What I’m saying is, that is an environmental factor back to me, and here is how you know. I never used to worry like this. I worried now.

Elmhurst looks better than Queensbridge. There are people. No cops, that I saw. I worry about cops.

Before Ani I wasn’t exactly like, oh? Want to call a cop? Great. It was more like, try to find one. Throw me in jail? Try to find one. Now I’m like, where do I put Ani then? I’m pretty sure they did not put babies in jail. Well, I never even saw a jail. Well, I never even saw a baby. I mean, before.

I did see kids before, a few, like I told Rauden. In Francis Lewis Park just by the Mound, they would hide in the toilet with their mother when an Inspector showed up.

So even regular mothers hid regular kids. Now that I thought about it, how did I even know how regular they are?

Before Ani, I never would of gave a thought, are they regular or not.

I gave it now.

In Elmhurst, we found a unit upstairs in a house, with a balcony. There is a lot of bike wheels and metal and some nylon in big rolls.

There is power! They have a working Board! The credit came through! They even have a store. I got all the water we want. Rice too. The store has a working stove and for extra coupons the Singhs let you cook on it.

Rauden is ok about no Haven. She’s four weeks old. She’s still alive. I could tell her age myself, now that I got Board access. Just press UpDate button for what day it is, then count back from there to her birthday. Then you know how long she is alive. Rauden’s big thing now is, get her weighed!

Well, I’m not going to do that.

The Singhs have a scale. And they were pretty nice. But come on, they never even saw her, except the bundle I carry under my shirt. I’m not saying they don’t suspect what it is but they do not want trouble. Put that bundle on the scale, it’s going to hit the roof, and there could be trouble. The Singhs do not want trouble. They say, “Queensbridge. Trouble, trouble, trouble. All the time Exodus, and it is just panic.” There was some big vaccine drive and the Queensbridge population panicked and fled to the beach.

The Singhs do not fear shots. They take shots.

When the Singhs run to the Ridgewood clinic in such a rush they leave the store unlocked, I sneak in, put Ani on and off the scale so fast she doesn’t know what hit her. Three kilos.

Still alive.

This is what I mean about is she me? If she was me, I would just say, whatever. What do I care how much I weigh? Now I’m like, three kilos. Is that regular? She is so small she fits right under my shirt.

At least under my shirt, I don’t have to worry, does she show?

I just have to worry, does she breathe? I keep ducking in doorways to pull her out from my shirt and check, does she breathe? She does breathe.

Then I start to worry, did someone see me pull her out to check?