Carola Dibbell - The Only Ones

Then we lost the connection.

Janet argued, “Rini’s in Delhi. How will she even know what happens?”

Rauden told Janet it wouldn’t work anyhow to just sell the baby and say she was not what she is, because her genes are what people will pay for.

Janet says it’s better to cut a bad deal than end up in jail. If someone else took the baby, just as a regular baby, no one would know her details. No one would ever see the kid and me side by side. If I took her, they would. What if this baby grows up? She is gene for gene my living replica. If she’s living as my daughter, it could show.

Rauden called Henry in Albany. Henry says what does Inez want?

I said I didn’t know. It all happened so fast. All that time trying to make the viable, then all those months in the tank, changing the bags, checking the lights and thermometer and monitor, then whoosh!

Henry said, “Well, I think that used to happen even the regular way. Even when it was planned. You plan and plan, then whoosh! Right, Janet?”

Well, Janet knew what he meant but did not like to agree. She wants us to go to someone named Fergie across the Pennsylvania border. Fergie will see the kid gets a good home.

So Rauden says, well, let’s just look into the situation, and we pack up blankets and bottles and powder Process and get in the truck with Janet holding the baby, but we don’t even get past the gate, because some stranger is waiting there with a paper from Rini’s brother’s lawyer. I didn’t even know Rini had a brother, let alone the brother has a lawyer, which I’m not even sure what a lawyer is. It could be a Toronto thing. Janet thinks it’s a bluff.

But Rauden thought, better take a few deep breaths. So we went back inside and down to the basement. Janet fed the baby again and lay her in the little glass box. Then all three of us stood in the rec room and watched her through the window, sleeping.

“I don’t even know why that poor child was born,” said Janet.

She was six days old and sleeping. Wrinkled and bald. She got the veins all over the great big head. She got the skinny little body in a fuzzy yellow suit. Whoa! What is this? Her little arms and legs go shooting out. She’s spazzing out! Spazz! Then it’s all over. She calms down and twitches.

And she is still alive.

In the end Rauden said, “Just take her. Leave me the ones in the freezers.” Janet and I said no, but he said, “Take her.”

So I did.

I did what Rauden said. I did what Rini said. Look, I never claimed I got any she changed her mindPUSof9H character. I did what people said. Maybe I got it as environmental factor from Edgar Vargas in Queens. Maybe I got it from some other broker. Maybe I got it from Cissy Fardo. Someone told me what to do, and I did it. I’m even letting Rini pay credit for me to bring up my own child. How much character could this poor kid end up with, with an environmental factor like me? I sold Rini my own daughter, even if I didn’t know she was my daughter.

But remember when Rauden said, well it’s hard enough to be a good mother but harder if you’re dead? I had some good points as a mother, and the best one was, I was still alive. My own mother — my birth mother? That was her big problem as a mother. She was dead.

So I did what Rini said. I took her child.

The last time Rini called, I only heard her voice. She was calling somewhere tot but clinic te

MY LIFE AS ANI’S MOTHER STARTS RIGHT HERE.

It’s true I knew her from the tank but she was Rini’s daughter then. I still sometimes thought she was. I still sometimes forgot she’s not Madhur.

She was still Rauden’s Project. She used to be my job. She’s not my job now. I don’t get paid. Well, Rini will send credit later. But I’m still going to be the mother. Henry is going to fix up both our swipe IDs to prove it.

They put us in Janet Delize’s basement with cots for me and Janet too till I learn the ropes. They put a c she changed her mindPUof vidPhoneloth on the window so no one could see. They didn’t want anyone but us to know. They’re really worried that if word gets out, there could be a raid from an Inspector, let alone Knights of goddamn Life. They didn’t even try to find a crib for Ani, because that could call attention, if someone happened by. They just put her in a regular box on the floor.

And she was very good.

Janet Delize said so. She slept through the night. Remember when we first looked at Lucas’s tank, Rauden and Henry were like, oh! Violet 4! This is like, oh! Slept through the night! They are worried to say too much on the phone, but this is such a big deal Rauden even tells Henry on the phone. Rauden made history but come on — one week old, still alive, and slept through the goddamn night!

Henry says, well if she sleeps so good, will she miss some feedings? Then everybody worries, oh! Miss some feedings. Well, it’s ok with me. I’m the one got to do the work. I got to learn the ropes. That is the big thing. Learn the ropes. Rauden made history here, and everyone is concerned, could she breathe, could she respond, but the big concern is I’m going to be her environmental factor and do something really stupid. I was concerned too.

Rauden is researching what he calls a Haven, in New Jersey, where Ani and me will be safe and have help and Support, but even so, her main environmental factor is going to be me. She is a Sylvain hardy, and as far as they could tell she’s not getting Luzon, Avian, Typhus, Marburg, Ebola, Polio, TB, Hep A or B or C or D or HIV or HP51 or any of that. But drop her, it’s over.

And watch out for the neck.

When I pick her up, Janet Delize is like, the neck! And watch out for those wrinkles! Clean them really good! The neck! The vagina! Clean them really good! Boil the water you mix the Process in. Boil the nipples on the bottle. Boil everything. Or she could get something. Wrap her up good. She is a Sylvain hardy but do what Janet says.

Remember in the trailer, Rauden was fussing, am I warm? Am I safe? Like, I’m so hardy, be very sure I am ok? Ani’s so hardy, be very sure she stays alive. She is the history Rauden made. And guess who got to pick her up?

Look, this kid spent pretty much her whole life in a tank. She might rather stay in her box. She might even prefer the freezer in the other room in Janet’s basement. She spent a lot of time on ice before she was born. If she prefers the box, or a freezer, I wouldn’t take it personal.

She preferred me. I don’t know what that proves.

Between me and Janet Delize, I’m pretty sure she preferred her. But Janet said, do the feedings, she will bond.

Just get it in the mouth.

You have to hit their back after, or they will get wind. I didn’t even know what that meant. But I don’t have to know. Just do it.

Rauden used to take notes and say she was just like any baby. I had the feeling he didn’t know that much about any baby. He knew baby pigs and cows. Remember Rauden used to say he might be out of his depth? He was out of his depth. We all were.

Even Janet Delize was out of her depth. Like now that it was ok to bond, in fact I was supposed to bond, she would say how much the baby looked like me, then freeze up and said, well! Not exactly like me.

I mean, she didn’t look like me at all. She is red. And wrinkled. Watch out for those wrinkles. Watch out for the neck and make sure she can breathe.

We all spent a lot of time watching her breathe. Henry watched too, now he ca%rarime down from Albany. Breathe! Well, look at that little belly puffing up! Breathe! It empties out till you can see the ribs. This is regular. Sometimes she puffs in and out fast.

Whoa! Spazz Alert! It is not my fault. It’s regular. Spazz is regular. Green shit is regular. Rauden calls the shit “stool” or “it.” Like, “Her stool can be green, but if it has blood, call a professional.”