Carola Dibbell - The Only Ones

“But just a lot of blood,” Janet Delize said. She really rather nobody professional see Ani. Do not call attention. Someone might notice something. Janet calls shit “poop” or “business.” I mean, she will say “stool” but cough first. Clean it off with cloth. Wash the cloth. If you don’t, the kid will hit the roof. Remember the hormone used to send a message, do this or that? If a baby is dirty, she sends a message herself. The way she sends it is, hit the roof. If this kid got a problem, she will hit the roof and if you don’t fix it, she could go totally ballistic.

So clean her. Feed her. Pick her up. Walk her.

Mariah left paper dydees but Janet makes me use cloths and pins so I could learn how it works. You got to wash the cloths.

I waited.d="7K4GS">By the time I was the one doing all this for even two days, Ani stops being so good. She woke up in the night. She starts to cry. Well, I can tell you this. She didn’t get it from me. Maybe I cry once in a while, like from hormones, but this? She cried so hard, you feel as if your head will blow off. It was like a whole human being got inside my head and cried. I don’t think it is about, you know. No one could stand it.

When Ani cried, Janet Delize and even Rauden would get into the picture. They would try anything to stop her crying, and everybody acts like they are the only one who could. They are like, let me handle this, she will stop crying. Let me pick her up. They couldn’t keep their hands off her. Even Rauden. And Henry was the worst! He walked her from his wheelchair! It worked.

Later, when I was back in Queens, I noticed that this would happen with total strangers. Total strangers would tell me what I was doing wrong, how I dressed her, or carried her, or what Zones I carried her to. Maybe they were right. What did I know?

What did any of us know? When she was Madhur and not even born, no one was thinking this far ahead. Keep her alive till she’s born, then it’s Rini’s problem. It’s our problem now. Is something wrong with her? How would we know? Bernie’s in jail. All the other shady OBGYNs disappeared. Rauden could weigh Ani and do bloods, but he was just a DVM. Well, he wasn’t even DVM, Janet said, he just had credits. Lucas didn’t even have credits. But a regular MD could ask questions. Even a shady one might notice something. What if they examine the birth swipe Henry forged? What if they examine me? I wasn’t the Host. I wasn’t the birth mother. Someone might ask for proof she’s mine. Is she me? Well that could be a problem later but for now the main thing is, is she mine?

Well, that and, keep her alive. That’s the main thing. Feed her, clean her, walk her. When she cries, do something. Maybe it works. If it doesn’t, get Janet.

I been learning the ropes about a week when Janet woke me up one night and said get dressed fast. K of L riders were on a rampage, heading right this way. They already burnt two barns — I could smell the smoke when we went out her door at dawn. She hid me and Ani in her car and took us on the front roads over the county line to a little hybro Stop where she gave me instructions while we waited for the first hybro out. Take it to the Jersey border. A watch your language">ri Haven contact will be waiting. Don’t tell them how Ani was born. Act like she’s regular.

The hybro pulled up, I climbed the steps with Ani in my arms and the bag Janet fixed on my back and off we go.

ii

Am I scared? On my own with Ani — vigilantes behind us in the woods, and who knows what ahead?

I was mainly scared to be on my own with Ani, period. I was so worried I will do something stupid.

The hybro’s full of smoke. The driver’s coughing under his mask. A passenger is coughing, in back. I’m coughing. Ani’s wrapped up so she won’t cough. She does cough. I don’t know what to do but hit her on the back. It worked. She stopped. She stopped so hard she didn’t make a sound. So I’m like, oh man, I did do something stupid. I hit her too hard. I killed her. I pulled her cover off her face — is she still alive? She was still alive.

Whoa! A rider speeds across the road. The driver hit the brakes. Ani and me got bumped around so hard I checked again, is she still alive? She’s still alive.

The whole trip I am checking, is she still alive?

By the time we made the border, I already figured out that being on my own with Ani, I wasn’t alone. So that is one more way to explain she was not me.

The Haven is in Netcong. The contact never showed. All traffic got rerouted but not because of vigilantes, it is Mumbai cautions. I spend two hours in the border toilet with Ani yowling so bad some man knocked on the door and said, “Get it out of here,” so I jumped on the next hybro and end up in Passaic, and, man, it’s creepy. It is totally empty. Janet had gave me an old Mobile for the trip, but it didn’t work. Ani went ballistic, a hybro pulled up with a sign for Hudson River jitney, and I just jumped on with Ani and the bag.

We end up at the Terminal at ten at night. One person got off too, but we’re the only ones who took the jitney to the west side Manhattan Lock. I was worried someone will notice Ani on the Manhattan side, but nobody else seemed to be even out.

With the bag Janet gave me fixed on my back and Ani tied in front, I climbed up the spiral Lock ladder to the catwalk and headed to Queens the other way from when I went to New Jersey in September, stopping in the middle to check if Ani’s still alive. She’s still alive. It is very dark. It’s like the last time I came home from the Farm. Something seemed different, but I been gone so long I couldn’t tell if it was me.

When we got to the East River, it was so dark you couldn’t even see the other side.

So Queens is in outage. At least nobody’s going to notice us. I lugged Ani down the spiral ladder, flagged a gypsy ferry, jumped on board, it shoved off, and I just stayed on deck and held her sleeping while we go across the river and around Roosevelt Island to Queens. “I must leave you in Queensbridge,” the skipper said. He was wrapped up from head to foot, except his eyes. “Be careful, Miss. They have an Exodus from the Projects.” Then he shoved off.

Now, I don’t know if they have Exodus where you live. An Exodus could be from some flu or Epi. It could be from anything. It could be just from panic. People will hear some rumor, then they panic and flee. It was ok with me. In Exodus, who’s going to be around to notice us? It is very late. There is not even a shaw in sight. So I am not getting back to Zone North tonight.

“GET IN YOUR GODDAMN RESIDENCE!” talking aboute gem; text-align:

Oh, man, they got cruiser cops, with the loudspeaker. I do not want this guy noticing us, so I ducked into the first door of the first building that is not all burnt, and when I got inside, I will tell you, I never been anywhere as dark as this, even when Rauden turned the truck lights off.

At least it’s Exodus. We got the place to ourself.

It is really hot inside. It got a smell. I felt my way up the stairs till the third floor, then down the hall to one open door to an empty unit, stood in the dark till I was sure it was really empty, went in, laid Ani down, checked she is still alive, then crashed beside her on the floor.

Now, I don’t know if they got Projects where you live. It’s not the way Ani was Rauden’s Project. It’s a bunch of buildings all the same. People say this Queensbridge Project used to be rough, with gangs. Even in Exodus, there could be wild dogs in the hall. Am I scared now?

I was mainly scared Ani would wake up.

She did wake up.

I did the feed/clean/walk thing, which is hard even if you could see the mouth or butt or vagina or anything. She finally conked out, I put her down, crashed, and she woke up.