Robert Asprin - Mything Persons

flashed across my mind. Nunzio was right. There were

two sides to having a reputation. If anyone believed the

rumors at the Bazaar and still meant me harm, they

would muster such firepower for the attempt that my

odds for survival would be nonexistent.

"Nunzio," I said slowly, "you may be right, but in

all honesty what could you and Guido do to stop a

magical attack on me?"

"Not a thing," he said calmly. "But they'd probably

try to knock off your bodyguards first, and that might

give you time to get away or hit them yourself before

they could muster a second attack."

He said it easily, like you or I might say "The sun

rises in the east," but it shook me. It had never really

occurred to me how expendable bodyguards are, or how

readily they accept the dangers of their profession.

"I'll try to remember that in the future," I said with a

certain degree of grave humility. "What's more, I think

I owe you and Guido an apology. Where is Guido,

anyway?"

"Upstairs arguing with His Nibbs," Nunzio grinned.

"As a matter of fact, I was looking for you to break it

up when I found you had snuck out again."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

"What for? There's no rush. They'll be arguing until

you get there. I figured it was more important to con-

vince you to quit going out alone."

I groaned a little inside, but I had learned long ago the

6 Robert Asprin

futility of arguing priorities with Nunzio.

"Well, thanks again for the advice, but I'd better get

upstairs before those two kill each other."

With that I headed across the courtyard for the foun-

tain stairs to our offices....

Courtyard? Fountain stairs?

What happened to the humble tent I was walking into

a minute ago?

Weelll... I said I was a magician, didn't I? Our little

stall at the Bazaar is bigger on the inside than it is on the

outside. Lots bigger. I've lived in royal palaces that

weren't as big as our "humble tent." I can't take any

credit for this particular miracle, though, other than the

fact that it was my work that helped earn us our current

residence. We live here rent-free courtesy of the Devan

Merchants Association as partial payment for a little

job we did for them a while back. That's also how I got

my bodyguards ... but that's another story,

Devan Merchants Association, you ask? Okay. For

the uninitiated, I'll go over this just once. The dimen-

sion I'm currently residing in is Deva, home of the

shrewdest deal-drivers in all the known dimensions. You

may have heard of them. In my own home dimension

they were called devils, but I have since learned the

proper pronunciation is Deveels. Anyway, my gracious

living quarters are the result of my partner and I beating

the Deveels at their own game ... which is to say we got

the better of them in a deal. Don't tell anyone, though.

It would ruin their reputation and maybe even cost me a

cushy spot. You see, they still don't know they've been

had.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Heading for the of-;

fices. Normally after sneaking out 1 would stop by the

stables to share breakfast with Gleep, but with a crisis

on my hands I decided to forgo the pleasure of my pet's

MYTH-ING PERSONS 7

company and get to work. Gleep. He's the dragon

Aliman was talking about... and I'm not going to try

to condense that story. It's just too complicated.

Long before I reached the offices I could hear their

voices raised in their favorite "song." The lyrics

changed from time to time, but I knew the melody by

heart.

"Incompetent bungler!"

"Who are you calling an incomplete bungler?"

"I stand corrected. You are a complete bungler!"

"You better watch your mouth! Even if you are the

boss's partner, one more word and I'll...."

"You'll what? If you threw a punch the safest place

to be would be where you're aiming."

"Izzatso?"

It sounded like I had arrived in the nick of time. Tak-

ing a deep breath, I casually strolled into the teeth of the

fracas.

"Hi, guys." I pretended to be totally unaware of

what was going on. "Anyone want a bagel?"

"No, I don't want a bagel!" came the sneering re-

sponse from one combatant. "What I want is some de-

cent help."

"... and while you're at it see what you can do about

getting me a little respect!" the other countered.

The latter comment came from Guido, senior of my

two bodyguards. If anything, he's bigger and nastier

than his cousin Nunzio.

The former contribution came from Aahz. Aahz is

my partner. He's also a demon, a Pervect to be exact,

and even though he's slightly shorter than I am, he's

easily twice as nasty as my two bodyguards put together.

My strategy had worked in that I now had their an-

noyance focused on me instead of each other. Now,

realizing the potential devastation of their respective

8 Robert Asprin

temperaments individually, much less collectively, I had

cause to doubt the wisdom of my strategy.

"What seems to be the trouble?"

"The trouble," Aahz snarled, "is that your ace ;

bodyguard here just lost us a couple of clients."

My heart sank. I mentioned earlier that Aahz and I

have more money than we know what to do with, but

old habits die hard. Aahz is the tightest being I've ever

met when it comes to money, and, living at the Bazaar |

at Deva, that's saying something! If Guido had really :

lost a potential customer, we'd be hearing about it for a i

long time. I

"Ease up a minute, partner," I said more to stall for

time than anything else. "I just got here, remember?

Could you fill me in on a few of the details?"

Aahz favored Guido with one more dark stare. I

"There's not all that much to tell," he said. "I was in

the middle of breakfast..."

"He was drinking another meal," Guido translated

scornfully.

"... when mush-f or-brains here bellows up that there

are some customers waiting downstairs in reception. I

called back that I'd be down in a few, then finished my

meal."

"He kept them waiting at least half an hour. You

can't expect customers to...."

"Guido, could you hold the editorial asides for one

round? Please?" I interceded before Aahz could go for

him. "I'm still trying to get a rough idea of what hap-

pened, remember? Okay, Aahz. You were saying?"

Aahz took a deep breath, then resumed his account.

"Anyway, when I got downstairs, the customers were

nowhere to be seen. You'd think your man here would

be able to stall them or at least have the sense to call for

reinforcements if they started getting twitchy."

MYTH-ING PERSONS

"C'mon, Aahz. Guido is supposed to be a body-

guard, not a receptionist. If some customers got tired of

waiting for you to show up and left, I don't see where

you can dodge the blame by shifting it to...."

"Wait a minute. Boss. You're missing the point.

They didn't leave!"

"Come again?"

"I left 'em there in the reception room, and the next

thing I know Mr. Mouth here is hollerin' at me for los-

ing customers. They never came out! Now, like you say,

I'm supposed to be a bodyguard. By my figuring we've

got some extra people wandering the premises, and all

this slob wants to do is yell about whose fault it is."

"I know whose fault it is," Aahz said with a glare.

"There are only two ways out of that reception room,