John Scalzi - The Android's Dream

"Good God, Harry," Javna said. "All that time I thought you were just piddling away your talent. You are a piece of work, my friend."

"I aim to please," Creek said, and went to chat with Robin.

"The UNE wants to sponsor your membership in the Common Confederation," Creek said.

"Mine?" Robin said. "As in me, personally?" Creek nodded. "Jeez, Harry, I can barely handle a gym membership."

"I'm pretty sure this dub comes with better perks," Creek said.

"Harry, I wasn't lying," Robin said. "I don't want any of this. I really don't. I just want you and me and everyone I know to be safe. And I want to go home. That's all I want. Get me out of this, Harry."

Creek looked up. "Here comes Hubu-auf-Getag," he said. "Let see what he has to say."

"Hypothetically," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "If we were to accept Robin Baker as Fehen. What then?"

Creek glanced over at Robin, who nodded. "Well, then, Miss Baker would need a governor," Creek said. "As you know, she already rules her own country. She believes it would be unfair to her citizens to divide her time."

"I agree entirely," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "This governor you speak of. What would his powers be?"

"They would be like a copy of the powers of the Fehen's herself," Creek said.

"That's very intriguing," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"There are some limitations," Robin said.

"Limitations?" Hubu-auf-Getag asked.

"Small ones," Creek assured him.

"Name them," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"don't screw with Earth," Robin said.

"I don't know that idiom," Hubu-auf-Getag said, to Creek.

"She means to say that the Earth is now and forevermore off limits for mischief and empire building," Creek said.

"I could see a governor agreeing to that," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"And don't screw with me or my friends," Robin said.

"Likewise, retribution against the nationals of Miss Baker by Nidu or any of its agents would be looked upon as a grave injustice," Creek said.

"As well it should be," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "In fact, I do believe a governor would suggest a treaty between our two nations would be in our mutual interests."

"How wonderful," Creek said. "It's always heartening to discover amity between races."

"Anything else?" Hubu-auf-Getag asked.

"One other thing," Robin said, and pointed at Narf-win-Getag, still pinned under Takk's foot. "This one goes to jail."

"We can do better than that, I think," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "Indeed, clan-wide retribution is usually the policy in cases like these."

"No," Robin said. "No one gets killed, and no one else gets punished. Just him, in jail."

"Surely you realize he could not have planned all this on his own," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"I think Miss Baker is hoping that by showing judiciousness, she might help keep other clans from attempting the misfortunate sequence of events that lead to this very moment," Creek said.

"I see your point," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "And anything else?"

Robin shook her head. "I think that's it," Creek said.

"Out of curiosity," Hubu-auf-Getag said, "in this new world order, would there be a chance for a governor to advance at any point?"

Creek glanced over to Robin, who shrugged. "I would imagine it would depend on the quality of governorship, and the state of relations with the UNE and the nation of Robin Baker," Creek said. "If those relationships are kept on extremely amicable terms, I could easily see a governor being rewarded in ten to twelve years."

"Those are Earth years, as opposed to Nidu years," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"Optimally," Creek said.

"And until that time, the Fehen will have, shall we say, a light hand on the wheel of state," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"Feather-light," Creek said. "One would hardly know it's there."

"And what about the new, obnoxious personality of the Nidu computer network?" Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"Oh, well, that stays," Creek said. "Call it insurance."

"But don't worry," Brian said, popping by. "He's trainable."

Creek saw that Hubu-auf-Getag was a realist; now that it was clear that the right moves would put him in the same position he had expected to be in before, with a few minor limitations, he was ready to get on board. "There is still one practical difficulty," he said. "The Nidu are… set in our ways about many of our opinions about other species."

"You're racists," Creek said.

Hubu-auf-Getag flared for a second, then calmed down. "Agreed," Hubu-auf-Getag. "That being the case, it would help to have a compelling explanation as to why and how this human has become the Fehen."

A voice rang clearly through the Great Hall. "Because she is the Evolved Lamb!"

Everyone assembled at the dais turned to look at the speaker. It was one of the computer technicians. The second technician stood beside him.

"She is what?" Hubu-auf-Getag said, to the technician. Normally, of course, he would have had a technician beaten for daring to speak at a ceremony like this. It simply wasn't done. But there were a number of things about today's ceremony that simply weren't done.

"She is the Evolved Lamb," the technician said again. "I am Francis Hamn, bishop of the Church of the Evolved Lamb. My associate is Sam Berlant, who is also with the Church. For decades our Church has concerned itself with bringing forth the Evolved Lamb, an entity who combines the best qualities of humanity and the pastoral qualities of the lamb. To aid us in our quest, and to avoid misidentifying the Evolved Lamb, we created a crucible test—a test that only one with the qualities of the Evolved Lamb would be able to accomplish. That test, Hubu-auf-Getag, was your clan's coronation ceremony. There are only two classes of people who can perform it—members of your clan, and the Lamb herself. And here she is."

"I don't understand," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "You're computer technicians."

"Yes," Hamn agreed. "Computer technicians who belong to a church. A church that through its business ventures provided your clan with sheep and the computer network which now controls your world and through which your clan's power has run. We provided your clan the means to power. The cost was that it was also the test for a goal of our own: The creation of an entity prophesied by our founders. Look at her, Hubu-auf-Getag—she is the living embodiment of an entire religion's purpose."

Everybody turned to look at Robin Baker.

"Oh, for God's sake," Robin Baker snapped. "How divine can I be? My feet hurt. I have gas. I need to pee."

Hubu-auf-Getag turned back to Francis Hamn. "Be that as it may, your 'test' has caused my clan to fall from power."

Creek spoke up. "On the contrary, Hubu-auf-Getag," he said. "Another clan challenged your power and came to within a hair's breadth of taking the throne. Only the very fact of who and what Miss Baker is, and her actions during the ceremony, prevented it from happening."

"If she wasn't the Evolved Lamb, Narf-win-Getag would now be Fehen," Hamn said. "And your clan would have suffered. Gravely."

"But now she is Fehen," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"Who is willing to hand nearly the all of her powers to you, Hubu-auf-Getag," Creek said. "If I were you, I'd sell the 'divine intervention" angle to your clan and kin. I'd sell it hard."

"I need to confer with my clan," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"But of course," Creek said. Hubu-auf-Getag walked off.

"I notice you didn't mention to Hubu-auf-Getag that your church has manipulated events as much as anyone has in this little adventure," Creek said to Hamn.

"Details, details," Hamn said, and looked up at Robin. "Speaking of which, there's a small detail about the Church Miss Baker needs to know."

"What is it?" Robin asked.

"The Church of the Evolved Lamb exists to bring about the Evolved Lamb," Hamn said. "The Church's steering council, which Sam and I represent here, is in unanimous agreement It's you."