Stanislaw Lem: Memoirs of a Space Traveler

As for the foul-tailed fetido, I admit that the odor it gives off has no equal. Doctor Hopkins of the University of Milwaukee has calculated that particularly active specimens can produce up to five kr (kiloreeks) per second. But even a child knows that the fetido does this only when photographed. The sight of an aimed camera triggers a reaction known as the lenticular-subcaudal reflex — it is nature attempting to shield this innocent creature from the intrusions of rubbernecks. Although it is true that the fetido, being rather nearsighted, sometimes takes for a camera such objects as ashtrays, lighters, watches, and even medals and badges, this is partly because some tourists use miniature cameras; it is easy to make a mistake. As for the observation that in recent years fetidos have increased their range and now produce up to eight megareeks per acre, I must point out that the cause here is the widespread use of telephoto lenses.

I do not wish to give the impression that I consider all extraterrestrial animals and plants beyond criticism. Certainly carnivamps, saprophoids, geeklings, dementeria, and marshmuckers are not particularly likable, nor are the mysophilids from the family Autarchiae, including Gauleiterium flagellans , Syphonophiles pruritualis , and the throttlemor ( Lingula stranguloides Erdmenglerbeyeri ). But think the matter over carefully and try to be objective. Why is it proper for a human to pick flowers and dry them in a herbarium, but unnatural for a plant to tear off and preserve ears? If the echoloon ( Echolalium impudicum Schwamps ) has multiplied on Aedonoxia beyond all measure, humans are to blame for this, too. The echoloon derives its life energy from sound. Once thunder served it as a food source; in fact, it still likes to listen to storms. But now it has switched to tourists. Each tourist treats the echoloon to a volley of the filthiest curses. It is amusing, they say, to watch the creature literally blossom under a torrent of abuse. It does indeed grow, but because of the energy absorbed from sonic vibrations, not because of the profanities shouted by excited tourists.

Where is all this leading? Such species as the blue wizzom and the drillbeaked borbit have disappeared; thousands of others are dying out. Sunspots are increasing due to clouds of rubbish. I still remember the time when the great treat for a child was the promise of a Sunday trip to Mars; but now the little monster will not eat his breakfast unless Daddy produces a supernova especially for him! By squandering nuclear energy, polluting asteroids and planets, ravaging the Preserve, and leaving litter everywhere we go, we shall ruin outer space and turn it into one big dump. It is high time we came to our senses and enforced the laws. Convinced that every minute of delay is dangerous, I sound the alarm: let us save the Universe.

English translation copyright © 1982, 1981 by Stanislaw Lem

Polish-language edition published by Czytelnik, Warsaw 1971.

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The following originally appeared in The New Yorker: “The Eighteenth Voyage,” “The Twenty-fourth Voyage,” “The Washing Machine Tragedy,” and “Let Us Save the Universe.”

Lem, Stanislaw.

Memoirs of a space traveler.

Translation of: Dzienniki gwiazdowe. 1971.

“A Helen and Kurt Wolff book.”

Contents: The eighteenth voyage —

The twenty-fourth voyage —

Further reminiscences of Ijon Tichy — [etc.]

I. Title.

PG7158.L39D9132 1982 891.8’537 81-47310

ISBN 0-15-658635-5 AACR2

Printed in the United States of America

First Harvest/HBJ edition 1983

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