John Gray - Children Are from Heaven - Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

Or “When you hit your brother, I feel angry because I want you to not hit each other and to get along.”

This formula and other similar formulas are effective to assist children in communicating their feelings to each other or to help adults communicate to each other. It does not work to use feelings to cross the generational line. When parents, who are the bosses, share their negative feelings with children to motivate behavior, it makes children feel overly responsible for the parent. The result is that they feel guilty for upsetting the parent and adjust their behavior, or they feel manipulated and resist cooperating. Negative feelings should not be shared with children. It is not appropriate for the “boss” to get on equal footing with the child. As soon as you express your negative feelings, you lose much of your control and the power to create cooperation.

Parents who share their feelings with their children wonder, “Why do my children resist my authority so much?”

Eventually, as these children reach puberty, they stop communicating with their parents altogether. Many grown men have a difficult time listening to their wives’ feelings, because they felt so manipulated by their mothers’ feelings as children. A dramatic example, to make this point clear, is the mother or father who says, “When you do this, I feel so disappointed. (I work so hard so that you have a good life and you don’t even try.) I want you to do as I say.” This child has only two options: either to feel bad or to stop caring. Neither option is healthy.

When parents are upset and need to talk about their feelings, they should find another adult to find comfort and support. It is not appropriate to look toward your children for emotional support. Certainly, it is great to share your positive feelings with your children, but your negative feelings will just be rejected as a form of manipulation.

Some parents assume if they say “I am really angry” that this intimidation will motivate their child. It certainly will deter a child, but it is fear-based and will eventually numb a child’s natural willingness to yield to your wishes. Using feelings to manipulate will tend to make some children obedient but not cooperative. Many children, particularly boys, will just turn you off. They will stop listening and even stop looking you in the eye.

Many parents use “I feel” statements as a way to educate their children into a greater awareness of feelings. This is better accomplished at times when you are not trying to motivate your children to do something. It is best to do in response to their asking how you feel, or if you have ever felt the way they do.

Besides being brief, positive, direct, and using “would you” when making a request, one other skill remains. It is the most important. It is remembering to use the most powerful word for creating cooperation. That word is “let’s.”

To a great extent, until age nine children have not formed a sense of self. To order them around is to reinforce the separation between parents and children rather than work with the natural connection children have to their parents.

Whenever it is possible, invite children to participate with you in some activity. Even if you have asked something specific like, “Would you please clean your room?” you could precede this request or follow it with the phrase, “Let’s get ready for the party.” By including your request in the context of an invitation to join with you, the result is increased cooperation.

So far we have explored the foundation techniques of creating cooperation:

Ask but do not order.

Make sure your children feel they are cooperating and not just having to be obedient; give them permission to resist (if and when they do). If they don’t have the right to resist, question, or negotiate, then your request is really an order or demand.

Make sure you use “would” and “will” and a lot of “pleases.”

Give up rhetorical questions, explanations, lectures, and “feeling” statements.

Make sure to be direct and, whenever possible, be positive.

Whenever possible, use an inclusive statement with the word “let’s.”

Creating a willingness to cooperate really isn’t that hard but it does take a lot of practice. It becomes easier by just focusing on making short requests instead of orders. Use the following list to practice

Ordering: Put this away.

Requesting: Let’s clean up this room. Would you put this away?

Ordering: Don’t leave that there.

Requesting: Let’s now put our things away. Would you please put that away?

Ordering: Don’t talk to your brother that way.

Requesting: Let’s remember to be respectful. Please use a nicer tone when you talk to your brother.

Ordering: Stop hitting your sister.

Requesting: Please, right now, stop hitting your sister. Let’s all try to get along.

Ordering: Tie your shoes.

Requesting: Let’s get ready to go. Please tie your shoes.

Ordering: Button your shirt.

Requesting: Let’s look our best. Would you button your shirt please?

Ordering: Go brush your teeth.

Requesting: Let’s start getting ready for bed now. Please go brush your teeth.

Ordering: Turn off the TV.

Requesting: Let’s make sure we’re not watching too much TV. Please when this show is over in ten minutes, turn off the TV.

Ordering: Come to dinner.

Requesting: Let’s come and eat. Please come to dinner.

Ordering: Stop talking.

Requesting: Let’s be quiet and listen to your mother. Please stop talking.

Ordering: Eat your vegetables.

Requesting: Let’s remember how important vegetables are. Would you please eat your vegetables?

Ordering: Use your fork; don’t play with your food.

Requesting: Let’s remember our table manners. Please use your fork and not your hands.

When you first begin this new approach, it will give your children a lot of power. They may laugh at you and say no. Don’t worry — this is supposed to happen. They will either be happy to cooperate, or they will be happy to resist. After all, do you always do what you are asked to do? I hope not.

Using the “let’s” word is usually fine in most situations until a child gets to the age of nine. At that time, it is a little hokey to say, “Let’s clean up this room,” unless you are also doing some of the cleaning. Remembering to use the magic word “let’s” requires practice, but eventually it will become second nature.

When children resist your initial request, then it’s time to move on to step two. These skills of step one are necessary for creating the foundation of cooperation. The skills of step two are needed to motivate your children when they resist your initial request. After much practice, as your children get accustomed to the different positive-parenting skills, these first skills of step one will be more effective. In the beginning, if children are used to being controlled by fear, this first step is needed to lay the foundation for steps two, three, and four. Later on, you will find that most of the time you will only need to ask, and your children or teenagers will cooperate. In the next chapter, we will explore step two and learn new skills for minimizing resistance by understanding our children. When children resist cooperating, the next step is to minimize their resistance.