John Gray - Children Are from Heaven - Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

Negative message: You kids are making too much noise.

Positive request: Would you please be quiet?

Negative message: Your room is a mess again.

Positive request: Would you clean up your room?

Negative message: I don’t like the way you are treating your sister.

Positive request: Please be nice, don’t treat her that way.

Negative message: You shouldn’t hit your brother.

Positive request: Please don’t hit your brother.

Negative message: You are interrupting me again.

Positive request: Would you please not interrupt me?

Negative message: You can’t talk to me like that.

Positive request: Please don’t talk to me like that.

Negative message: Your shoes are untied.

Positive request: Would you tie your shoes?

Negative message: You were late last time.

Positive request: Please be on time.

Besides making sure to ask instead of ordering or demanding, to motivate children to action, don’t give them a reason.

Many well-meaning experts suggest focusing on giving children a good reason to do the action. This does not work. As a parent, when you explain your position to justify your request, you give up your power. You confuse the child. So many well-meaning parents try to convince their children to follow instructions instead of reminding them it is okay to resist, but mom and dad are the bosses.

You don’t need to say, “It’s time to go to bed; you have a big day tomorrow. Would you go brush your teeth?” Just say, “Would you go brush your teeth?” Leave out the explanation.

When children resist their parents, they are mostly resisting the reasons. When you leave out the reasons, they have less to resist.

Most men experience this when responding to a woman’s request. Often women will give a big explanation why he should do something, when he would much rather that she be brief. The more she talks about the reasons he should do something, the more he will feel resistant. Similarly, the briefer you make the request, the more willing your child will be to cooperate.

If you want a young child to understand why it’s good to go to bed, tell the child later, once you are pleased with her for cooperating. After she is in bed, you could say something like this, “I am so pleased with you. You brushed your teeth so nicely. And now you can get lots of sleep to prepare for tomorrow. It’s a big day and a good night’s sleep will make you feel good tomorrow.” When children have done something well, they are much more receptive to little talks.

Most parents give talks to motivate children when the children are resistant, or when they have done something bad or wrong. This kind of timing just reinforces feelings of inadequacy and guilt and eventually disconnects a child from their natural willingness to cooperate. It may appear to work when children are very young, but at puberty, to the extent the child submitted to your will by being a good and obedient child, he or she will need to rebel. To encourage cooperation, giving up explanations will make a big difference.

These are few examples of common mistakes parents make and alternative ways of asking:

Explanation: You have watched too much TV today; it’s time to turn off the TV. I want you to do something else with your time.

A Better Way of Asking: Would you turn off the TV and do something else with your time?

Explanation: Every time we are ready to go to school, you forget where your shoes are. I want you to always put them in one place so that you can remember.

A Better Way of Asking: Would you put your shoes in one place so that you can always remember them?

Explanation: I have been picking up after you all week long. I want you to pick this stuff up right away.

A Better Way of Asking:Would you please pick this stuff up right away?

Explanation: I am really tired today. I can’t deal with cleaning up. I want you to wash your dishes tonight.

A Better Way of Asking: Would you wash your dishes tonight? That would make me very happy.

Even worse than explanations before a request are lectures on what is right or wrong and good or bad. It is actually counterproductive to say, “It’s not nice to hit your brother. Hitting isn’t okay. Would you please stop hitting him now?” Besides sounding contrived and unnatural, it just doesn’t work. Certainly, stating a rule or policy is okay, but not to motivate a child. When lectures on good or bad are given to motivate behavior, children disconnect from their willingness to cooperate and instead try to figure out right from wrong, good from bad. Children younger than nine years old are not prepared for such heady stuff, and after age nine, they will just stop listening.

The only time to give children or teenagers a lecture, no matter how old they are, is when they ask for one. Many parents complain that their children don’t talk with them.

The major reason is that parents offer way too much advice and too many lectures. Children will particularly turn off to lectures when a parent uses them either to motivate them to do something or to tell them why they are wrong. In both cases, lectures are not only worthless but also counterproductive. Here is a sample lecture:

“Your brother did not mean to hurt you. He was just playing and accidentally bumped you. The best way to get along is to use your words and not hit. Hitting will just make the problem worse. If a bigger kid at school were to hit you, it wouldn’t feel very good. In a similar way, it doesn’t feel good to him when you hit your brother. Better than hitting is using your words. Instead of hitting him, you could have said, ‘I don’t like being hit, please stop.’ If he continues, then repeat your words. Remember you don’t have to hit. There is always another way. Sometimes you can just walk away, like you are bored with this behavior. On the other hand, if you want to fight, then I would be happy to oversee a wrestling match or we could put on the boxing gloves. It is good to learn how to protect yourself if there is nothing else you can do to protect yourself, but it is not good to fight with your brother. You both know how to use your words and you can always ask me for help. . . . So don’t hit your brother.”

Unless a child is really asking for the information, although it may be good and useful, it will just create more resistance.

Feelings are to be shared among equals. To help train children in the important skill of identifying and sharing feelings, parents make the mistake of using “I feel” statements. Many books are filled with suggestions about always communicating your feelings to children. Although this is well-meaning advice, it is often counterproductive when it comes to creating cooperation.

Parents are taught to use this simple formula to create cooperation.

When a b c, I feel 1 2 3because I want x y z.

For example, “When you climb the tree, I feel afraid you will fall. I want you to come down.”