John Gray - Children Are from Heaven - Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

When we just order our children, we actually prevent them from learning to be cooperative.

These little word changes make a world of difference, particularly with little boys. “Would” and “will” not only work better with little boys, but also with grown men as well. Women tend to resist asking, and, when they do, they often do it in indirect ways. Not only do men need this directness, but children need it even more.

To use “could” and “can” sends confusing messages and gradually numbs children’s willingness to cooperate. You are the parent. You would not be asking her if you didn’t already believe that she could do the very thing you are asking. When you ask, “Could you turn off the TV?” you are not really asking if they have the ability to turn off the TV. You want them to turn off the TV, and you’re giving an unspoken message that they have no good reason if they don’t turn it off.

Although it sounds polite to use “could you”

and “can you” to create cooperation, they

are ineffective. To repeatedly use “could”

and “can” sends confusing messages and

gradually numbs children’s natural

willingness to cooperate.

I began using this technique when my daughter Lauren was a baby, at first because I wanted to prepare all of my three daughters for being in successful relationships later in life. As I stated in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, one of the most important skills women need to learn in their relationships with men is how to ask for support in a way that motivates a man rather than repels him. Women are not taught how to ask for what they want in childhood.

I knew that the best way to teach my children was to model the behavior, so, to teach them, I started asking them to do things with “would you” or “will you.” I was pleased that they picked it up so easily. Other parents were quite amazed when in preschool Lauren would say, ‘Would you please help me?” or “Would you not talk to me that way?” or “I have had a hard day, would you please read me a story?”

Although my intent was to teach them how most effectively to ask for what they wanted, which they did learn, the side effect I later discovered, was that using “would you” or “will you” made them much more cooperative. Now, when parents begin creating greater cooperation by using “would” and “will” in a clear and direct manner, they are also preparing their children to master the art of asking for what they want and getting it.

Even worse than using “could you” and “can you” is using rhetorical questions. Rhetorical questions are fine when you are trying to make a point in a persuasive speech, but they are counterproductive when asking for cooperation. For every rhetorical question, there is always an implied message. In parenting, the implied message is usually a negative guilt message that a loving parent wouldn’t want to say directly. Instead, it is implied in a rhetorical message. Many mothers don’t even realize they are giving a negative message, but with a little soul-searching, it is easy to recognize.

Women particularly will use rhetorical questions to motivate children to be obedient. When a mother wants her child to clean up his room, instead of saying, “Would you please clean up your room?” she throws in a little shame and guilt by using a rhetorical statement first like, “Why is this room still a mess?” Let’s explore a few examples.

Rhetorical Question: Why is this room still a mess?

Possible Implied Messages: You should have cleaned this room. You are bad. You are a slob. You don’t listen to me the way you should, etc.

Rhetorical Question:When are you going to grow up?

Possible Implied Messages: You are behaving in an immature manner. I am embarrassed by your behavior. You are a big baby. You should be behaving differently.

Rhetorical Question: Why are you hitting your brother?

Possible Implied Messages: You are bad for hitting your brother. You are really stupid. You have no good reason to be hitting your brother and yet you do.

Rhetorical Question: Are you okay?

Possible Implied Messages: Something is wrong with you. You are behaving in a strange manner. Unless you have a good reason, you have no excuse for your behavior . . . it is bad.

Rhetorical Question: How could you forget to do that?

Possible Implied Messages: You are either really stupid or very bad and insensitive. You are a pain in my life. I cannot depend on you for anything.

Rhetorical Question: Why are you still talking in here?

Possible Implied Messages: You should be sleeping. You are really bad kids. I have told you again and again, and you still don’t listen to me.

By giving up rhetorical questions before making a request, parents increase their chance of creating cooperation; otherwise children just stops listening. Avoiding rhetorical questions not only helps create cooperation, but it also prevents your children from being exposed to poor communication skills.

Rhetorical questions not only don’t work for the child, but they prevent parents from clearly taking responsibility for the negative messages they are sending out. Without clearly recognizing our negative messages, it is hard to understand why our children are not willing to cooperate with us.

One of the most important skills for mothers to learn is to be direct, particularly with little boys. Women will often state what they are displeased about, but do not follow it with a request. This is like fishing in a desert. They have little chance of getting the response they want. Here are some examples of not being direct:

Negative message: You kids are making too much noise.

Implied order: Be quiet.

Negative message: Your room is a mess again.

Implied order: Clean up your room.

Negative message: I don’t like the way you are treating your sister.

Implied order: Be nice, don’t treat her that way.

Negative message: You shouldn’t hit your brother.

Implied order: Don’t hit your brother.

Negative message: You are interrupting me again.

Implied order: Don’t interrupt me.

Negative message: You can’t talk to me like that.

Implied order: Don’t talk to me like that.

Negative message: Your shoes are untied.

Implied order: Tie your shoes.

Negative message: You were late last time.

Implied order: Be on time.

In each of these examples, the parent is trying to motivate the child to do something by focusing on the problem but is not asking him to do anything. The implied request is often not even realized by the child, who does nothing but stare into space. To get a direct response, the request needs to be direct without focusing on the negative expression. Focusing on what a child did wrong or why a child should feel bad does not help create cooperation. Let’s explore how negative messages could be rephrased as effective requests for action.