Peter Helton - Rainstone Fall

I even resented Louis for getting himself kidnapped, the silly brat, although I’d never met the poor kid. I wanted my life back. I wanted to be back at the moment before Annis had handed me the phone, I wanted to be back before the storm when I was happily painting in a studio with a roof on it. The cat pawed at the bags. A horseradish root rolled off the table. I kicked it hard across the kitchen floor like a moody teenager who had been grounded: it’s not fair . The cat jumped off the table and galloped out of the kitchen. Yeah, that’s right, make me feel guilty. Very unlike a moody teenager I crawled around on all fours until I’d found where the damn root had ricocheted and washed it carefully. Then I went and dropped my filthy boots on to a newspaper in the hall where I should have left them in the first place and decided to shower my irritations away. When I got to my bedroom I could hear someone else had got to the en suite before me and my mood lifted instantly. I pulled off my clothes where I stood and dropped them on to the floor, then walked into the steamed-up bathroom. Annis’s silhouette moved sinuously behind the glass of the shower cubicle. This was one bathroom scene I was determined would have a good ending. I rapped against the glass with my rings. She slid open the door and pointed her breasts at me, in happy salutation, I hoped.

‘Room for a small one?’ I asked. The old ones are still the best, apparently.

‘Not all that small either.’ She grabbed me and gently pulled me into the cubicle. ‘I was just going to come out,’ she said.

‘I was just going to come in,’ I pointed out.

‘Oh all right then.’

I slid the door shut. The cubicle was ridiculously small and steamy. Annis started soaping me all over but dropped the bar just as she got to the interesting bits, which was a right shame. It slithered into the drain hole and half blocked it. There was simply not enough room to bend down and retrieve it. While the water slowly rose we arranged ourselves first this way, then that. There were bits I was desperate to kiss but couldn’t hope to reach without dislocating a limb. I accidentally nudged the mixer with my elbow and the water turned to skin-blistering hot. Annis screamed and I fiddled it back to normal. A few minutes later her knee nudged it into the arctic zone. This time we both screamed.

Eventually we tumbled out of the cubicle with the firm intention of getting into bed but didn’t quite make it and somehow ended up on the carpet. Annis managed to scrabble the duvet down on us from the bed while I was otherwise engaged.

‘I do love you, Annis,’ I panted. And meant it.

‘Doesn’t count.’

‘Eh?’

‘Things men say when they’re shagging. Blokes say all sorts of stuff. Means nothing.’

‘Doesn’t, huh?’ I didn’t really have the breath to argue with the woman. The house phone rang for a while, the old 1940s dialler by the bed making a right racket. We ignored it.

‘I love you too, Honeypot. Turn sideways, hon, something’s digging into my back.’

‘Meaningless drivel. You were lying on my mobile.’ I picked it up and threw it on to the bed. It started to ring. Tough.

I pulled the duvet off us again and imagined I could see steam rising from her shimmering, shuddering flanks. Annis’s eyes flickered and tilted, always a happy sign, then she buried her face in my shoulder and held tight.

The phone stopped chiming at last. The cat came padding up the duvet and sniffed, then put a possessive paw on Annis’s trembling thigh.

‘I’m hungry. We could call him Bhaji,’ she said, propping herself on one elbow and scratching him under his chin.

‘Absolutely not,’ I said and slipped away.

When I emerged from my third shower of the day Annis had moved to the bed. So had the cat. Both of them were asleep. I turfed out the cat. ‘Don’t even think about it,’ I informed him. He gave a complaining meow, padded to a pile of Annis’s discarded clothes and started nesting procedures there. I turned off my mobile, pulled the plug on the dialler phone and slid under the cover.

When I woke again to the distant ringing of the house phone downstairs I noticed the light had changed. I turned on my mobile and checked the time. Ten to six. Annis turned out to be awake too. ‘I’m not moving until I can smell supper, I am famished. Go cook,’ she said and pushed me out of bed. I reconnected the dialler phone but the caller had hung up. Tough.

In the kitchen I started with the horseradish. I peeled and grated the knobbly root until I went blind with tears. The entire kitchen had filled with the sharp, energizing smell. Even mixed with thick cream and seasoned it was still strong enough to make your scalp tingle.

To make the red onion gravy I sliced them finely and then chucked them in a pan with oil and butter and sautéed them on the lowest possible heat for what seemed like forever. Long enough, anyway, to stir them absentmindedly, stare through the window into the rain and wonder how we might get into the museum, how we might get away with the Rodin and how I could make sure that I got Louis in exchange for it. So far I had only vague notions of ‘breaking in’, ‘getting away’ and then ‘not giving it to them until I had the boy’. It hardly amounted to anything resembling a plan.

I added a spoonful of redcurrant jelly to the pan and once it had dissolved deglazed with a generous slug of port and kept stirring.

Having recently lost my only shotgun to a gangster and having had my handgun confiscated by the fuzz I also felt quite under-equipped in the violence department. Shotguns and kidnapped boys didn’t really mix, I quickly told myself, since they were hardly precision weapons, and the Webley.38, while satisfyingly noisy, was about as reliable as everything else made in the 1930s.

My mobile gurgled: text message. U there? Open door . From Tim. What was wrong with the bell pull? Nothing, as far as I could see when I got to the hall. I yanked open the door. More rain.

Tim’s TT was parked next to the Landy. The Norton was lying in the mud, on its side. Tim was lying in a puddle next to it, also on his side, clutching his mobile. I squelched over to help him up.

‘What are you doing down there? Want a hand up?’

‘I can’t get up, my back’s gone,’ he said in a pathetic voice I’d never heard him use before.

I knelt down next to him. ‘What happened, Bigfoot?’

‘Your bloody bike must have slipped off its stand in the mud. I tried to bloody lift it and halfway up my bloody back went bang. And I mean: bang, I think I heard it go. Don’t touch me, I think I’d scream. How often have I told you the bloody yard needs recobbling or tarmacking or something. It would never have happened if you hadn’t neglected this damn place for God knows how many years.’

‘You’re so right, Tim. And it was very kind of you to try and pick up the Norton but also very stupid, it weighs an absolute ton.’ It was raining hard now and even I was getting soaked. ‘Can you move at all?’

‘It hurts so much when I do, I think I’d rather not, thanks.’

‘Okay. In that case, can I bring you out a cup of coffee or something?’

‘Ha-bloody-ha. Got any better ideas?’

‘No, but Annis might. I’ll go and fetch her. We’ll find a solution somehow. Back in a tick. Honest.’ I ran inside, shouted Annis awake, grabbed my raincoat and an umbrella and ran back out. I laid the coat over him and arranged the brolly so it covered his head.

‘This is your solution? Cosy. Please don’t bring me a bowl of chicken broth, Chris.’

‘The thought never crossed my mind,’ I lied. Ungrateful sod.

He groaned, shivering. Half of his face was caked with mud and he was as wet as though he had come down the mill race. At last Annis splashed over. I left Tim to explain while I followed a sudden inspiration and rummaged in a shed until I found a strong plank of wood, about five foot long and twelve inches wide. Together and on the count of three we managed to pull him on to it. It looked precarious but with much groaning, grumbling and several very bad words we managed to carry him inside and deposit him on the carpet between the sofas and the fireplace.