William Johnston - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets

“All right. ‘A funny thing happened to me on my way here.’ ”

“You better leave out ‘on my way here,’ Max. Why else, at this particular time, would you be heading toward ‘here’ if not to receive a medal?”

“I’ll go along with that, 99. ‘A funny thing happened to me.’ ”

“Max, every speech begins that way. The Chief will know it’s a speech. Cut out ‘A funny thing happened to me.’ ”

“99, that leaves me with nothing.”

“Max, that’s it! The perfect length for an off-the-top-of-the-head acceptance speech.”

Max smiled. “I rather like it too,” he said.

A few minutes later they pulled up in front of Control Headquarters. They entered and hurried to the Chief’s office. Max knocked on the door.

“What state is round on both ends and high in the middle?” a voice replied.

“Is that the password, Chief?” Max called in.

“Yes, Max.”

Max thought for a moment. “Pennsylvania? It has mountains in the middle.”

“No, Max,” the Chief replied. “Ohio.”

“Oh. Ohio, Chief.”

“Come in, Max.”

Max and 99 entered the Chief’s office. The Chief was seated at his desk, looking somewhat concerned.

“You can pin it right here, Chief,” Max smiled, offering the lapel of his jacket.

“Max, I don’t have time to play games,” the Chief said sharply. “We’re in a state of tension here.”

“I thought you said the state was Ohio.” He looked thoughtful again. “Tension? How many states over is that from the state that looks like a poodle, Chief?”

“I don’t think that’s what the Chief means, Max,” 99 said.

“Oh?” He turned to the Chief. “What do you mean then, Chief?”

“Max, KAOS and Control have reached an impasse,” the Chief replied. “The race turned out to be a tie. There are now explosives planted in both the Control installations and the KAOS installations.”

“Then quick-the button!” Max urged.

“No, Max, we have to wait. A conference is in progress. The top men in Control, and in KAOS, are now in a meeting… with Him.”

“With Him!”

“Yes, Max, with Him!”

“This is big stuff!” Max said. “What’s the meeting about, Chief?”

“Well, Max, since KAOS and Control both have the means to destroy each other, it seems that both are in danger of being destroyed.”

“That adds up,” Max nodded.

“Consequently,” the Chief went on, “Him called a meeting of the top brass of both organizations and asked them to reason together. That’s what they’re doing right now.”

“You mean, Chief, they’re trying to think of a reason why they should destroy each other?”

“No, Max, a reason why they shouldn’t destroy each other.”

“If that’s all they need, I can give them a reason. It’s messy. That’s always an excellent reason.”

“I’ll remember that, in case Him calls and asks for suggestions,” the Chief replied.

“Chief, as long as we’re just sitting around waiting, can’t we get on with the ceremony?” Max said.

“Ceremony, Max?”

“The you-know-what. The surprise.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Max.”

“The m-e-d-a-l-s, Chief.”

“Max, make sense. Metal what?”

“Not metal! Medal! 99 and I are supposed to receive medals for successfully carrying out the mission.”

“I don’t know anything about it,” the Chief said gruffly.

“You don’t?”

“No. I don’t have any medals for you, Max.”

“Well… I guess that’s the surprise,” Max said disappointedly.

The telephone rang. The Chief picked up the receiver. “Chief here,” he said. Then, getting a response, he jumped to his feet and snapped to attention.

“It’s Him!” Max said to 99.

“Yes, sir,” the Chief said into the phone. “Yes, sir, that is, that’s wonderful news! Thank you for calling, sir.” He hung up.

“What is it, Chief?” 99 said excitedly.

“Wonderful news!” the Chief beamed.

“We know that,” Max said. “But what is the news?”

“Max… 99… KAOS and Control have declared Peace!”

“Wonderful!” 99 cried.

Max looked glum. “I don’t see what’s so wonderful about it,” he said. “Don’t you realize what this means? We’re all out of a job.”

“On the contrary, Max,” the Chief said. “In fact, we’ll be busier than ever. We’ll have to hire more agents.”

“I don’t quite follow that, Chief,” Max said.

“Don’t you see? We’re at peace, yes. But, to make sure that we remain at peace, we’ll both have to make sure that the other fellow doesn’t cheat. That means we’ll have to hire lots more spies to keep an eye on the KAOS organization. And, of course, the KAOS people will have to hire a lot more spies to keep an eye on us. Him was very happy about that part of it. Him is in favor of anything that increases employment.”

“Wonderful!” Max cried excitedly. “Hooray for Him!”

“Yes, it’s a great day, Max,” the Chief said. “Just think-Control and KAOS at peace!”

“Yes, a great day,” Max agreed. “And, I think 99 and I can take part of the credit for it. After all, if we hadn’t planted those pellets that made it possible for Control to destroy KAOS completely, there wouldn’t be any Peace. We did a top-notch job. I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody decided to award us medals.”

“I wouldn’t count on it, Max,” the Chief said.

“Oh, well, the medal isn’t important,” Max said. “What is important is the sense of satisfaction one gets from knowing that he was responsible for the cessation of hostilities between two warring organizations.”

“Max, you didn’t do it all by yourself, you know.”

“I realize that,” Max replied, ambling toward the Chief’s desk. “Him played his little part, too. But, in the final analysis, I think it can be said-” Max sat down on the corner of the Chief’s desk. “-that-”

The whole room suddenly trembled.

“Hmmm… must be an earthquake somewhere,” Max said.

“Max!” the Chief cried, horror-stricken.

“Yes, Chief?”

“Max! You sat on the button!”

Max got up off the corner of the desk. He looked where he had been sitting. He winced. “Sorry about that, Chief,” he murmured.

The phone rang, and the Chief snatched up the receiver. “Chief here,” he said dimly. Then he jumped to his feet and snapped to attention.

“It’s Him,” Max whispered to 99. “He must have a P.S.”

“Yes, sir,” the Chief said into the phone. “Yes, sir, I know, sir. Yes, sir, I’m sorry about that, sir. Yes, sir, I’m sorry about that, too, sir. Yes, sir, I will, sir, yes, sir.” He hung up, then faced Max.

“Did you, uh, tell him that somebody accidentally sat on the button, Chief?” Max asked.

“He already knew it, Max,” the Chief replied coldly.

“Oh. Well, as they say, bad news travels fast.”

“Max, everything that was done, you have undone. You have destroyed the KAOS installations!”

“In that case, I think we better get set for an explosion. Now it’s KAOS’s turn.”

“No, we don’t have to worry about that,” the Chief said. “KAOS’s own button was located at one of those installations. You destroyed it.”

“Oh. Well, then, Chief, what did I do wrong?”

“You also destroyed every chance for a lasting Peace. The KAOS brass was outraged when you blew up their installations.”

“I hate to say this about an ex-enemy, Chief,” Max replied. “But those KAOS people always were a bunch of soreheads.”

“They’re not ex-enemies any more, Max.”

“You mean?”

“I mean that war has been re-declared. The KAOS people swear to rebuild their installations, regroup their forces, and resume the conflict.”