William Johnston - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets

“Stop stalling!” the human robot grumbled.

Max removed a part and handed it to 99. “Something smaller,” he ordered.

She handed him an item from the black bag. And Max fitted it into place.

“Can’t you hurry?” the human robot complained. “It’s no fun lying here with my zipper open.”

“I’m operating as fast as I can,” Max replied irritably. “If you don’t like the way I’m doing it, you can get up from that table and operate on yourself.”

“If you don’t stop stalling, I will!” the robot growled.

Max worked more quickly. The parts flew. Out of the human robot came bits and pieces of mechanism, and into the human robot went items from the black bag. Finally, Max stepped back from the table, exhausted.

“There we are,” he sighed. “Now, all there is left to do is the closing.” He addressed Dr. Medulla. “Would you like to zip the zipper, Doctor?”

“Haven’t you forgotten something?” Dr. Medulla smiled.

“I don’t think so. There seems to be plenty of room in there for the Super Boom now.”

“The implant,” Dr. Medulla said. “You haven’t placed the Super Boom inside the human robot.”

“Oh… that…”

Dr. Medulla handed the Super Boom to Max.

“Now then…” Max said, bending over the human robot.

At that moment, the operating room door opened.

“Shut that door!” Max cried. “Do you want to let a lot of germs in!”

“Impostor!” a voice shouted.

Max looked up. The others looked around.

In the doorway was a large man with a small black bag.

“Who are you?” Dr. Medulla asked puzzledly.

“I am the doctor!” the man replied. “I am here to perform the operation!”

“You’re late,” Max said. “The operation is over. But, leave your card. If another operation ever comes up, we’ll call you.”

“Impostor!” the man shrieked.

“If you’re the doctor,” Dr. Medulla said to the man, “why are you so late?”

“My car was stopped,” the man replied. “There’s a helicopter blocking the road.”

“A likely story,” Max scoffed.

“I can prove I’m the doctor,” the man said. “Look-here is my little black bag!”

“But he has a little black bag, too,” Dr. Medulla said, indicating Max.

“My little black bag is blacker than his little black bag!” the man raged.

Dr. Medulla looked at Max’s little black bag, then at the man’s little black bag. “I think you’re right,” he said. “Your little black bag is blacker than his little black bag,” he said.

“Yes,” Max pointed out, “but my little black bag is littler than his little black bag.”

Dr. Medulla looked at both of the little black bags again. “That’s true,” he admitted. “Your little black bag is littler than his little black bag.”

“Is somebody going to zip me up?” the human robot complained.

“Not yet,” Max said. “I think I left my scaffold inside.”

“Ha-hah!” the man cried. “There is the proof! He is an impostor! He doesn’t know a scrample from a scaffold!”

“That did it!” Dr. Medulla shouted. He reached across the table and ripped the mask from Max’s face. “You’re unmasked!” he said.

“Aren’t you being a little hasty?” Max protested. “How can you be sure? Maybe that other fellow is the impostor.”

“No, I’m positive,” Dr. Medulla replied. “The impostor is always the one who gets unmasked. And, since the other fellow isn’t wearing a mask… well, you see how it works out.”

“I’ll accept that,” Max replied. He turned to 99. “What was it you said earlier?”

“When, Max?”

“When we were in the examining room.”

“Oh. I said, ‘Let’s run, Max!’ ”

“That’s it. I knew there was a way out of this situation. All right, 99-let’s run!”

Max grabbed up the black satchel and he and 99 raced from the room.

“Stop them!” the human robot cried. “I’m still unzipped!”

Max and 99 dashed down a corridor.

Behind them, they heard running, and voices crying, “Halt! Stop!”

“This is the chase,” Max said to 99.

“I know, Max.”

“As far as I’m concerned, it’s the best part of the whole adventure,” Max said. “The ‘before’ and the ‘after’ are sometimes a little dull, but the chase is always exciting.”

“I feel that way about it, too, Max. I always look forward to the chase.”

“I think we’re coming to the part where we duck into a room and elude our pursuers,” Max said.

“You’re right, Max! Look! There’s a door right up ahead!”

“Quick, 99! Inside!”

Max whipped open the door and he and 99 charged into the room.

“Ah! Safe!” Max breathed.

“Not yet, Max. You forgot to close the door.”

“Oh… yes,” Max said, closing the door.

They heard running outside in the corridor, and cries of “Halt! Stop!” Then the sounds passed.

“Well, it was fun while it lasted,” Max said, a little disappointed.

“Max, what do we do now?” 99 asked.

“Well, first we plant the explosive. Then we slip out of the hospital unnoticed. Then we board the helicopter. Then we return to Headquarters and receive our medals. Or, at the very least, we receive a ‘job well done’ from the Chief. But this time, 99, I’m hoping for a medal.”

“Where will we plant the explosive, Max?”

Max looked around the room. “Very clever,” he said. “This room is outfitted like a real hospital room. Anyone making an inspection would think that that’s exactly what it was.”

“What’s so clever about that, Max?”

“It’s clever because this isn’t really a hospital. It’s a place where KAOS conducts secret medical experiments. It’s what I would call

… well, a… a, uh… well, sort of a hospital. Come to think of it, I guess it isn’t so clever after all.”

“Max, hadn’t we better hurry? Those KAOS agents will realize soon that they lost us, and they’ll come back, looking for us.”

“Good thinking, 99. Now, let’s see where can we plant the explosive pellet?”

“In a drawer in that metal bedside table, Max?”

“No. People are always opening drawers. Especially drawers that don’t belong to them.”

“Under the mattress, Max?”

“No. People are always looking under mattresses. They think that’s where other people hide their money.”

“In that vase of flowers, Max?”

“No. The nurses are always throwing all the flowers out.”

“Then, Max, I don’t-”

“99! I have it. We’ll plant the pellet in that water decanter!”

“But, Max-”

“It’s the perfect place,” Max insisted, going to the table that held the water bottle. “In a hospital, no one ever pays any attention to the water decanters. Except the patients, who are always trying to get water out of them. And, in this hospital, there are no patients.”

“Maybe you’re right, Max.”

“Of course I am,” Max said, opening the black satchel. “Now, I’ll just get a pellet, and-99… where is the packet of pellets?”

“Isn’t it in the bag, Max?”

“If it were in the bag, 99, would I be asking?”

“Oh, Max! You mean-”

“99, the packet is gone!”

“Oh, Max, then we’ve failed!”

Max sighed heavily. “Yes, 99, I’m afraid-” He suddenly brightened. “As a matter of fact, no,” he smiled. “We haven’t failed, 99. Our mission is completed.”

“Max, what do you mean?”

“Remember the operation, 99? Remember when I was taking parts out of the human robot, and you were handing me other parts to put back in? Well, I noticed that one of the parts you handed me looked a lot like a packet of green peas. I said to myself at the time, ‘I wonder why 99 is handing me this packet of green peas?’ But, there was so much confusion, I didn’t have the opportunity to ask you about it.”