William Johnston - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets

“I’ve taken care of that,” Dr. Medulla smiled. “I’ve left a note, giving exact instructions. It will be known as-”

“Yes?” Max asked eagerly.

“It will be known as: Operation Operation.”

“I like it,” Max smiled. “It has a nice beat.”

When Max, 99 and Dr. Medulla reached the operating room, the patient, the human robot, was already there. He had been transferred from the stretcher to the operating table.

“If you don’t mind,” Max said to Dr. Medulla, “I would like to consult in private with my nurse.”

“I don’t mind,” Dr. Medulla replied. “What does your nurse think about it?”

“Oh, I don’t mind,” 99 smiled. “But what do the other doctors think about it?”

“We’d better poll them,” Dr. Medulla said. He addressed the other doctors, and the other nurses, who were collected around the operating table. “The motion has been made-” he began.

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Max broke in. “As I recall, according to the Geneva Convention, a doctor has a right to consult with his nurse in private no matter what anyone else thinks.” He signalled to 99. “Over here, nurse,” he said, moving toward a secluded corner of the operating room.

When they were alone, Max said, “99, before I begin this operation, there’s one question. How, exactly, do you perform an operation?”

“Max! I thought you knew!”

“Well, I have a general idea. I know you open the patient up, and sort of rummage around inside. And, too, I know you say ‘scaffold’ a lot. But-”

“Not ‘scaffold,’ Max. You say ‘scalpel.’ ”

“Oh. Well, ‘scaffold’ was close. Probably no one would have noticed.”

“Max, a scaffold is a temporary structure erected against a wall to support workmen. A scalpel is a knife. I think someone might have noticed the error.”

“All right, I’ll remember-scalpel, scalpel, scalpel. There now, it’s etched in my mind.”

“Max, are you really going through with this?” 99 said. “You don’t know the first thing about surgery.”

“Yes, I do,” Max replied. “The first thing is: have a sharp knife. It’s the second, third, fourth, fifth and so on things that I don’t know the first thing about. But I have no choice, 99. We have to stall-until we can shake these KAOS people and plant the explosive.”

“All right, Max. But… I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“You ought to be thankful, 99, that I don’t know what I’m doing. If I knew what I was doing, I’d be so shaky I probably couldn’t hold a scaffold.”

“ Scalpel, Max!”

“Oh, yes-scalpel, scalpel, scalpel. I must remember that.”

“Doctor…” Dr. Medulla called. “The patient is ready.”

Max and 99 walked to the operating table.

“Are you sure you want to go through with this?” Max said to the human robot.

The human, robot turned to Dr. Medulla. “He’s stalling,” he said. “I demand my operation.”

“Stop stalling,” Dr. Medulla said to Max. “The patient demands his operation.”

Max turned to a nurse. “Stop stalling,” he said. “The patient demands his operation.”

“What am I doing?” the nurse replied, surprised. “I’m just standing here.”

“She admits it-she’s stalling,” Max said to Dr. Medulla.

“Stop stalling, nurse,” Dr. Medulla said to the nurse. “Instead of just standing there, prepare the doctor for the operation.”

The nurse popped a white cap onto Max’s head. “Hold out your hands,” she said.

Max extended his hands, and she slipped a pair of rubber gloves onto them. Next, she tied a mask around his face. “You’re ready, Doctor,” she said.

“I may be ready,” Max replied, “but I feel a little silly. Do I really need these gloves and this mask?”

“They’re essential,” Dr. Medulla insisted.

“Are you sure? Has anybody really thought this out? Just why is it so essential that I wear a mask and rubber gloves?”

“Because, after the operation, we’re all going out and rob a bank,” Dr. Medulla replied. “You’ll need the mask so you won’t be recognized and the rubber gloves so you won’t leave fingerprints on the vault.”

“Fine. That’s all I wanted, a logical explanation,” Max said. He turned to 99. “Are my instruments ready, nurse?”

“What instruments, Max?”

“In the black bag, nurse.”

“Oh. Oh, yes, Doctor.”

“Is the Super Boom ready for the implant?” Max said to Dr. Medulla.

Dr. Medulla held up a small metal box. “Here it is,” he said. “Cute, isn’t it?”

“Cute as a mid-air collision,” Max replied.

“He’s stalling,” the human robot complained.

“Don’t rush me!” Max snapped.

“Sorry,” the human robot replied. “But it’s my first operation, you know.”

“It’s my first operation, too,” Max said. “But you don’t see me going all to pieces about it.”

“Stop stalling,” Dr. Medulla said.

“All right, here we go,” Max announced. “And, as we proceed, if anyone has any suggestions to make, please speak up. This is a democratic operation. Criticism is welcome.” He extended a hand toward 99. “Scaffold!” he barked.

There was silence in the operating room.

“Well, nurse,” Dr. Medulla said to 99, “hand the doctor a temporary structure erected against a wall to support workers.”

Max chuckled. “Oh… did I say ‘scaffold’? I meant scalpel, nurse.”

99 reached into the bag, then handed Max an instrument. It looked like a flashlight.

“Well, tough luck,” Max smiled. “I guess we’ll have to delay the operation until I can get my scaffold sharpened.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Dr. Medulla said. “Use the zipper, Doctor.”

“The zipper?”

“The zipper!” the human robot said disgustedly. He zipped himself open, from throat to navel, revealing his internal mechanism. “Stop stalling!”

Max stared. Inside, the human robot looked like the interior of a watch. “So, that’s where that ticking was coming from,” he said, relieved.

“Here’s the Super Boom, Doctor,” Dr. Medulla said, handing the metal box toward Max.

“Who’s in charge of this operation!” Max snapped. “When I want the Super Boom, Doctor, I’ll ask for it. Don’t you know anything about surgery? The first rule is, before you put anything in, you first have to take something out!”

“I forgot,” Dr. Medulla replied, withdrawing the Super Boom.

Max peered thoughtfully at the human robot’s mechanism. “Let’s see

… what shall we take out? Something about the size of a small metal box. Ah… here we are-”

“Not that!” the human robot protested.

“Why not? It’s the perfect size.”

“That’s my transistor radio,” the human robot said.

“If that’s your transistor radio, then I think I’ve found your trouble,” Max said. “It’s in the wrong place. Isn’t it supposed to be attached to your ear?”

“It’s in there so I can keep both hands free,” the robot explained.

“Oh.” Max inspected the mechanism again. “This may partly be the solution,” he said. “If I take out this tuning fork and put in a safety pin, that will save a little space. Then if I take out… yes, I think this is the way to do it. I’ll remove some of these larger items, and put in smaller items, and the space that is saved can be used to hold the Super Boom.”

“Brilliant!” Dr. Medulla said. “I knew we had the right doctor!”

“It seems to be working out,” the human robot said grudgingly. “But there for a while I thought he was stalling.”

“These things take thought,” Max said.